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Mark Trail, 10/19/12

Oh, man, I can tell it’s going to be hard to not just post Mark Trail and say “THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!!” every day during the current Mark Trail storyline. It is pretty fantastic, though! I myself would rather take a fancy boat than the vague promise of money, since I assume there are people who would pay good money for a fancy boat. But I don’t know how liquid the black fancy boat market is at present? I also thought at first that our villain was winking lasciviously as he urged Mark into his boat, but now I’m pretty sure that he’s actually experiencing a stroke.

Judge Parker, 10/19/12

Obviously I always knew that this Judge Parker storyline wasn’t going to end with Avery’s bloody death, but I thought it would take more than a week to get from “Bubba threatens to dismember Avery with a chainsaw in a dank abandoned mine shaft” to “Bubba and Avery relax, drink scotch, and talk about modern art in a climate-controlled abandoned mine shaft.”

Heathcliff, 10/19/12

Heathcliff, everybody! I can’t believe I’ve been doing this blog for more than eight years and haven’t taken on America’s second-favorite long-running cartoon cat. But Heathcliff will be in my rotation from now on! Anyway, it turns out that Heathcliff is kind of an asshole.

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Judge Parker, 10/13/12

Dear Judge Parker: I’m sorry I ignored you for, like, months while you winded your way through a boring fishing/vague hints of marijuana badness plotline! I’m not sure how we’re going to get from “horrifying, bloody chainsaw murder” to “our heroes will be handed a large pile of money and/or adulation that they didn’t deserve,” but I’m very interested in finding out and will be paying close attention from now on!

Crankshaft, 10/13/12

Wow, it looks like Crankshaft is even more death-haunted than yesterday’s strip led us to believe! The end is closer than it appears … much closer. Will Crankshaft die, say, tomorrow? Leaving entropy to slowly and silently advance in each subsequent strip, until we reach the heat death of the Funkyverse?

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Judge Parker, 10/9/12

My goodness, I have been incredibly remiss in keeping you up to date on Judge Parker! Mostly because it’s been kind if enh. Quick summary of the last six weeks: after briefly skunking our boys out of their cabin, our nefarious marijuana farmers stole Avery’s camera, because it has pictures of marijuana, but also pictures of a fish that Avery thinks are more precious than life itself. We also learned that Bea is financially solvent only because she’s being paid off by Bubba and his growers; Sam expressed thin-lipped disapproval. And now Avery has gone off to demand his camera back from Bubba, which is bad for him, because he’s probably going to be beaten to death with a chain, but great for us, because it has led to the third panel of this comic, which is probably the greatest thing you will see today and maybe even this year. The overalls! The beard! The chain! The beads of sweat and/or boils, can’t really tell what those things on his face are supposed to be! Papa to Adam … bring in the slicker! BRING IN THE SLICKER!

Mark Trail, 10/9/12

Usually battling overalled rustics is more Mark Trail’s cup of tea, and maybe we’ll get to that later, but right now Mark has come home just long enough to pull out Rusty’s heart and stomp on it. Haha, Rusty, we know that your loneliness and feelings of abandonment — symbolized my Mark’s repeatedly broken promise to take you on a fishing trip — have left you with zero self-esteem and led you to reckless behavior, like trying to get photographs of dangerous sheep-killers. So how will you react when Mark once again bails on your trip — this time to go on a fishing trip with someone else? “It’s sort of a business and pleasure trip … but mostly pleasure. The pleasure comes from not seeing Rusty!”

If the main character in any other strip said he wanted to “get some good pictures of bonefish,” you know I’d be all over it, giggling like a 12-year-old. But this is Mark Trail talking, so let’s show some respect! (By “respect” I mean respect for whatever terrible neurological or psychological disorder leaves Mark unable to experience or even understand erotic feelings of any kind.)