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Pluggers, 11/24/23

Pluggers remember when Black Friday was the day when President Grant’s brother-in-law caused a Wall Street panic in an attempt to corner the gold market, ultimately damaging the Grant Administration’s reputation. Apparently it’s a sale now? And it goes on for several days? Who knew!

Blondie, 11/24/23

For all you pluggers out there, Blondie’s beloved Blondie Bumstead is here to explain the new meaning of “Black Friday,” out loud to her husband, who presumably already knows what it is, at 4 a.m. But then she’s not going to go there! She’s going to do “cyber Monday” instead. She’s not explaining that one, though. Figure it out for yourselves, pluggers!

Judge Parker, 11/24/23

Welp, I guess Sam and Abbey’s sex vacation did in fact rekindle their mutual attraction, despite the fact that it started with them seeing a guy get mauled to death by a bear and has ended with nonstop CIA surveillance. Perhaps all that action has actually driven them to new erotic heights? Haha, just kidding, these two are boring as shit, it will just make them slightly more peevish.

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Judge Parker, 11/19/23

Way back in the early days of the War on Terror, “black site” was an ominous phrase used to describe grim, secretive locations in countries willing to look the other way when it came to various human rights laws where the CIA could torture people, but the phrase’s sense has shifted over the years, to the extent that in the 2019 film Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbes and Shaw, there’s a recurring location that is identified as a “black site” on-screen that appears to simply be some office space that the CIA has rented in London. You can see why the Agency might have given up on the phrase in exasperation and now just calls them “detention centers”. Anyway, I’m really enjoying the pissy-face competition Sam and this CIA lady are having, which I assume will end either with him defeating her and becoming a high-ranking official in the American intelligence apparatus, or with him getting tortured to death right there in the middle of this “detention center.”

Six Chix, 11/19/23

Like all right-thinking people, I get nauseated just thinking about cottage cheese, but I note here that this particular can (?) of the accursed substance seems to be glowing with some unearthly power. Has the Cottage Cheese Board figured out a way grant their repulsive product the ability to hypnotize hapless consumers to overcome their natural disgust?

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Mary Worth, 10/6/23

Oh, root beer? You guys both love root beer? You’d describe it as your “favorite”? Well, I think we can forget DNA tests or the “necessary Q&A” about who failed to pull out of who when: paternity has now pretty much been confirmed! Congrats to all!

Beetle Bailey, 10/6/23

Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if a guy was in the army but — get this — he had a cell phone, like you and me, and he accidentally dropped it in the sink? Such a thing would be impossible, of course, but it’s truly whimsical to imagine. An army guy! With a cell phone! Oh, mercy.

Curtis, 10/6/23

Look, I’m not saying I want Curtis to wrap up and stop publishing — far from it! Please, grace us with crazy stories for many Kwanzaas to come! But I am saying that a very cool way for Curtis to end its run in the funny pages would be for one of Greg’s old enemies to escape from prison, forcing the Wilkins family to flee for their lives.

Judge Parker, 10/6/23

Oh, hey, a guy got tased in Judge Parker! Don’t really have much to add to that, just thought you’d want to know. He got tased right in the neck!