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Judge Parker, 12/2/06

It’s been repeatedly noted by many of you that the whole Randy-Parker-runs-for-judge story line in Judge Parker (which insanely enough has been brewing along in one form or another since October of 2005) has featured a lot of hue and cry over something that nobody anywhere cares about — which is to say, an election for judge. I like to consider myself a fairly informed voter — I actually spent some time this year volunteering for a candidate for the state legislature, not exactly a high-profile office — and I have never, ever encountered a judicial election in which I understood the issues or personalities involved in the least. But I was willing to cut all the improbable campaign antics in Judge Parker a bit of slack: after all, everyone we’ve seen talking about the election was actually involved in one of the campaigns, and those people always care a great deal about what they’re doing, even if nobody else does.

But as Reggie, his inept consigliere Roy, and drunken, vomitous wife Celeste hit the media scrum and the courthouse today, I officially stopped suspending my disbelief. The only reason these TV reporters would be there to cover Reggie Black filing his papers would be if the people of Judge Parker live not in modern America, but in some other civilization, where judges are actually the absolute rulers. The only such society I know of is that of the ancient Hebrews, before Samuel anointed Saul king and set up a monarchy. So there you have it, folks: despite what the clothes and buildings might imply, Judge Parker takes place in Old Testament times. Raju was actually a visiting Tyrian. Mimi’s “Eon” cult was actually a nest of Ba’al worshippers. Neddy and Sophie are actually slaves that Sam captured in battle against the Moabites. And pretty soon we’re going to come see the Philistines burn the down the entire city, which should be pretty awesome.

The other possibility is that the press is all there to cover some sensational gangland triple-homicide trial, and that Reggie is actually being totally sincere in panel two.

One Big Happy, 12/2/06

“Yeah, Ruthie, ever since you and Joe came along, your father and I don’t get to go Mattressland much anymore.”

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/29/06

You know, suddenly this is the first Funky Winkerbean sequence I’ve unironically enjoyed since I rejoined the new gloomed up version of the strip. I love the musical notes floating in the air — is it stripper music? Is it Christmas music? Is it somehow, wonderfully, both? I love the way that Santa’s thick black belt, such an iconic part of his thoroughly asexual garb, has suddenly been transformed with a vague aura of S&M. But mostly, I love the way that everyone is leering at sexy Santa with naked lust — except for the mother-to-be, who looks on in unalloyed horror, as if only she can see how very, very wrong this is, and she’s thinking, “My God, has everyone else gone insane?”

Apartment 3-G, 11/29/06

Wow, so yesterday when I guessed that this was Alan’s beatnik buddy I was pretty much kidding, but it looks like it actually is … I think. Just like I think that’s Alan in panel three in the cowboy hat. Or maybe it’s Lu Ann’s cousin Blaze, who’s partial to cowboy wear. Or even Eric Mills, whose Hat Man tendencies might go both ways, if you catch my drift. God damn, this feature would be easier to follow if the men didn’t all look a alike.

Dennis the Menace, 11/29/06

Dennis further erodes his Menace status by getting a co-ed group together and then playing the least threatening game of doctor in the history of prepubescence. Joey, meanwhile, is looking more like a child prostitute with every appearance in this strip.

Judge Parker, 11/29/06

You know, I remember the good old days, when the press would focus on the issues, like the fact that Randy Parker is unmarried and therefore almost certainly a homosexual and thus totally unfit for the bench, instead of feeding the politics of personal destruction and mentioning the fact that the totally heterosexual and not at all gay Reggie Black’s wife’s breath stinks of liquor. Jackals!

Luann, 11/29/06

Wait, Brad was planning on painting his living room black? Did he buy a blacklight and some Cypress Hill posters too? Did he think he was going to star in a spinoff strip called Brad and TJ Are Really, Really High All The Time?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/29/06

When did June become the villain in a Dickens novel? And when did Rex Morgan start shilling for McDonald’s?

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As this Thanksgiving holiday weekend draws to a close, I really am grateful for a lot of things in the comics pages. For instance, I have to give thanks to Rex Morgan, M.D., for producing this panel:

And to Judge Parker, for this lovely image:

And to Sunday’s Mark Trail, which featured a conversation taking place between a nut-nibbling squirrel and a leaf, while an eight-year-old adds his own commentary, featuring the word “Etc.”:

And, now some full-length comics thanks.

Mark Trail, 11/24/06

Is there anything sexier than a heavily armed and emasculating Kelly Welly? Mark has the vaguely amused and/or smug expression of a man who’s no longer engaged in the little drama going on before him, but appreciates good work when he sees it. By the way, Ella isn’t the only one in the funnies with psychic powers: Mark was so sure that this adventure would be resolved on the 24th, he had the date stitched just above his left breast pocket.

Apartment 3-G, 11/25/06

Man, I guess this goes to show why I wasn’t much of a player back in my single days. Because apparently worming your way into other people’s Thanksgiving dinner by acting mopey rates makes you “Mr. Smooth,” whereas I would have thought it made you “pathetic.”

You can insert your own “stuffing the turkey” and/or “gobble gobble” jokes here.

I earlier touched upon the fact that everyone in this little scenario seems to mysteriously have no family to share Thanksgiving with, but it occurred to me today that Margo in fact lives in the same city as Gabriella, her comical immigrant mother. Presumably as a foreigner she’s unfamiliar with the concept, and nobody’s told her about it in the decades she’s lived in the United States so that they don’t have to invite her to dinner.

Spider-Man, 11/26/06

And finally, we should all give thanks to Peter Parker today, who spent his Sunday thoughtfully narrating the entire current Spider-Man scenario in his head in great detail for those of us who were having trouble keeping up. If only the type in the word balloons had been a little bigger, we might have been able to eliminate the superfluous pictures entirely.

I spent part of this weekend with my mom’s side of the family for our traditional Christmas at Thanksgiving celebration, and one of my little cousins squealed with glee at receiving a set of Spider-Man action figures. Since my main contact with this franchise is through the newspaper strip, I was surprised that that Spidey didn’t come with a couch and television set as accessories, or feature extra whining powers.