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They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/28/06

TDIET exists to give whiny, petulant voice to the sort-of-but-not-really voiceless, and thus I always assume that whatever character is best expressing that classic look of quizzical put-upon-ness is meant to stand in for whoever sent the idea in to Mr. Scaduto in the first place. Today’s episode is an elaborate fantasy in which helpful teenagers are constantly thwarted in their attempts to pull their weight in the household; thus, we can only assume that “A. White” is the helpful baseball-cap flipping, vest-wearing cool cat. The idea that a teenager might be a regular TDIET reader is truly horrifying, however. Please, please tell me that, like David Tarafa, A. White is a plucky young Curmudgeon reader. PLease?

Another possibility is that A. White is actually the silent but clearly horror-stricken mother in this scenario. She’s too terrified to stand up to her obviously rage-filled hubby on her kid’s behalf in person, so she’s hoping that his favorite cartoon feature in the Boston Herald will show him the error of his control-freakish ways.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith and Mark Trail, 10/28/06

“Yeah, Andy, we’ve got to find Molly! And by ‘we,’ I mean ‘you.’ Go find our friend! I’ll be here with the gun … you know, if you need me … or whatever.” This strip just further illustrates that there isn’t a single featherless biped in Mark Trail who’s worth a damn. I hope that after Andy and Molly take care of the brothers -ake, they turn on Mark and his friends, and then rule over Lost Forest like the King and Queen of the Beasts that they are.

I offer this Snuffy Smith for comparison, to illustrate how Mark Trail is hopefully going to play out in a few days. That “Grr!!” coming out of the bear is meant to be menacing, but comes out just sort of cute and Molly-like.

The Phantom, 10/28/06

The Ghost Who Walks Very Uncomfortably In His Tight, Tight Pants is offering a lovely ass shot in the first panel (this one’s for you, bootsybrooks!), but I’m more looking forward to next week’s thrilling factory tour! “And in here is the break room … you can see we just got a new refrigerator … now down here is the factor floor, and here’s the conveyor belt … an interesting thing about this model is that it was first designed to accommodate a five-foot-wide belt, but they’ve been able to expand it to accommodate our shipping containers, which have had to get bigger because of changing packaging regulations…”

Judge Parker, 10/28/06

God damn it, is this strip going to be about not making assumptions about people based on first appearances, and about how people who seem very different might have a lot in common, and could even become good friends? Because that’s going to blow.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/28/06

Oh, 4Evah and Eva’s public humiliation is going to be delicious.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/27/06

Poor White Trash Momma; she looks so hurt in the last panel. It’s like she was excited about finally actually using her chemistry degree and now Nikki just made it seem so dirty. Some lab safety advice, dear: you might want to get a longer shirt, because when the makeshift equipment explodes (as it almost certainly will), you’re going to want to have as little exposed flesh as possible.

It’s about time that Rex Morgan tackled the meth epidemic sweeping across the lower economic strata of America. Despite this strip’s attempt to engage with cutting-edge social problems, it was beaten to that particular punch by more than two years by Mary Worth of all things. And speaking of that, can we please, please, please count on this fellow being WTM’s boss?

If you’re tragically unfamiliar with Tommy the Tweaker — surely one of the greatest Mary Worth characters in living memory — start here and work your way forward.

Dennis the Menace, 10/27/06

The thing that really bothers me about this panel is the single bead of sweat on Mr. Wilson’s forehead. I’m pretty sure this is his last moment of sanity before he snaps into a child-murdering rage.

Mary Worth, 10/27/06

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, Ella is wasting no time in getting busy with the local ladies. First stop: Iris Beedle, mother to the aforementioned Tommy and, improbably, girlfriend to Commandante Combover, who’s strolling rather smugly about six feet in front of her. Iris’ dating history indicates that she’s generally been of the heterosexual persuasion, but a relationship with Wilbur would probably be enough to turn anybody off men forever, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that she’s eager to take a detour to “discover” things “about each other” with a total stranger without even bothering to say goodbye to her boyfriend.

Perhaps the first sign of Iris’ disenchantment with Wilbur is that she’s stopped dying her hair. Ella loves you just the way you are, dear: a nice brunette in purple pants.

Judge Parker, 10/27/06

Everybody had State College Bobby down as a threat to poor Raju, but here he’s showing off his cultural sensitivity as he stands up to Shiny-Headed Mohawk Man. Sadly for him, though, there are, in fact, people from India who belong to tribes, but it’s the thought that counts.

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Family Circus, 10/22/06

I have to say that the Family Circus children do not strike me as being old enough, under ordinary circumstances, to have racked up the body count on display here. Of course, the circumstances surrounding this freakish clan of big-headed weirdos is never ordinary. What intrigues me most about this meticulously illustrated history of carnage is the fact that the wussily-named Kittycat was preceded by the much, much butcher Beast. Perhaps the name provides a clue to the motivation behind the carnage: all these hapless creatures were sacrifices to the greater Beast, our Dark Lord, who returns the gifts with a channel of raw power straight into the hearts of His little servants. You’re next, PJ!

I do wish I had seen the panel in which Bailey met his demise. I imagine Big Daddy Keane looking triumphantly at the bottom of his shoe as Jeffy wanders in saying, “Daddy, have you seen our new pet Bailey? He’s a cock-a-roach!” I also sincerely hope that Butterball didn’t buy the farm in a hilarious Thanksgiving-dinner mixup.

Judge Parker, 10/22/06

Oh man, am I going to need to add Raju to Molly on the list of Lovable But Hapless Comics Characters I Need To Worry About? I fear he’s going to get harassed by State College Bobby in some publicly humiliating way. Fortunately, in that get-up, the last time Bobby might have appeared threatening would have been in 1986, in some kind of bad teen comedy.

I’m intrigued by the idea of a “boat-wrestling scholarship”. Do you start with inflatable rafts and work your way up to car ferries and container ships? Is this a popular spectator sport? Do universities located in port cities have an easy leg up on facilities?

Apartment 3-G, 10/22/06

“But to pass the time until I find true love, I guess I’ll just have to settle for an orgy with the two women and eleven men who’ve been eyeing me as I walk the length of this block.”