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Funky Winkerbean, 8/28/21

“Wait, you don’t have cancer? And here I thought you were coming on to me, you little tease!”

Judge Parker, 8/28/21

A Christmas Reunion

April watched her sigh dissolve in the icy air. The blur of life on the run, the breakup, all led her back here, to Cavelton. Her Dad needed her: the family business was on the rocks. Just one more job, he said, for Abby. Good money, done by Christmas, then Mallorca.

She crossed the square past the carolers, careful to stay within sightlines from the bank roof. In position on the Courthouse steps, right on time. Distract the mayor, five seconds tops, then run with the crowd.

The doors opened to reveal … Randy? But not the cringing loser she had abandoned: this man strode confidently, head high— like a Judge. Shocked and excited, she glanced up and purred, “Hey, you.” “April? Is it really you?” he replied, taking her hands just as the bullet from Norton’s rifle tore through his lung. “Bastard!” April thought, “Mallorca, my ass!”

Kneeling beside Randy on the now empty steps, she heard him whisper, “This … this is where we belong … together!” They embraced for the last time, as the Christmas music swelled and snow began to fall.

Mary Worth, 8/28/21

Where duels were illegal, duellists often settled their scores on boundary-river sandbars of uncertain jurisdiction. This is the precedent for Wilbur and Libby duking it out in the litter box.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/28/21

The Morgans return to their roots—getting free stuff, and deciding which free stuff they prefer to the other free stuff they get.

Oh, hi! I’m sitting in through Monday, September 6, while Josh visits friends and family back East. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any site or comment issues.

Be sure to alert me if you have trouble reading this in Josh’s new ultra-convenient newsletter format—I’m new to it, and different platforms/email clients treat html differently.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 8/18/21

Damn it, Judge Parker, it’s fine when I accuse the Spencer-Drivers of doing a little light insurance fraud, but I don’t like the vibes when someone does it in-strip. Honestly, it’s quite funny that Sam and Abbey, who used to be rich and carefree, are now locked in a life-or-death battle with a suburban mayor, surely one of the least powerful positions in American politics. I guess it’s possible that he’s frustrated and bored because like most suburban mayors he’s actually just a glorified city council member so he’s getting his kicks by burning down his enemies’ B&Bs, I dunno.

Curtis, 8/18/21

This is a fairly typical “Greg is vaguely condescending/preachy about modern life” Curtis strip but what really elevates it is the first panel dialogue: “People sure are busy being nasty these days.” Honestly I love it and want to use it in whatever context I can going forward. “Nasty” as a generic term of abuse is of course endearing but what really gets me is that people aren’t just being nasty but are busy being nasty these days. It’s a phrase that can apply to anyone. Too-big-for their britches athletes or actors? Those clowns in Congress? Your no-good neighbors? They sure are all being nasty, these days!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/8/21

ME, MERE DAYS AGO: ugh, this whole thing with Sarah is so boring, can we please move on to someone else, even Buck would be better than this

ME TODAY: oh my GOD Sarah is about to DROP SOME ANIME KNOWLEDGE ON REX, this is the greatest moment in my life

Judge Parker, 8/8/21

Oh, hey, remember when Abbey decided she wanted to open a bed and breakfast at Spencer Farms, only to discover fairly quickly that running a bed and breakfast kind of sucks? Well, not long after that, there was a worldwide pandemic that really hurt the global tourism industry and, long story short, it looks like Abbey has decided to burn the thing down for the insurance money. Sophie is really selling her anguish! Probably going over the top, but it’s a nice little performance for a witness, just in case any arson investigators come snooping around asking questions.

Dennis the Menace, 8/8/21

I like Margaret’s bemused face in the final panel. It’s like she’s finally figuring out that these boys she spends way too much time with may be kind of dumb. Better late than never, girl!