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Judge Parker, 4/29/19

“The question is what will we do next?” briefly interested me, because often when one half of a couple abruptly quits their job, that results in hard financial choices that need to be made, especially when the other half of the couple is already retired and they’re both already rather, er, free-spending. But this, of course, is the Drivers we’re talking about, where fat royalties from Judge Parker Senior’s inexplicably universally beloved book and the occasional slot machine jackpot supplement Judge Parker Senior’s comfortable pension from whatever level of the judiciary system he worked in, which in turn is just icing on the cake of what I feel I’m safe in assuming is his substantial generational wealth. So don’t worry, Alan will never have to give up his absolutely enormous home office desk or his scowling Lincoln bust or any of that, and instead this tense discussion is about how the Parkers did bad things and now they might have to suffer some kind of consequences for it (SPOILER: they won’t).

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/29/19

The sad thing here is not that Snuffy has decided unilaterally that it’s Loweezy’s turn to sacrifice some of her dinner to feed the dog; no, it’s that she’s got practically a full plate of food in front of her and he’s putting on his hat to head out for the night. Presumably he wolfed down his food while she was still tidying up after cooking for him, and now he’s going to go steal chickens or cheat at cards or whatever it is he does for fun. At least she still has Ol’ Bullet for company!

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Curtis, 4/11/19

Far be it for me to criticize another man’s curmudgeoning, but I think that Greg has the escalating affronts to his sensibilities in the wrong order here. The elder Wilkins is generally depicted as being obsessed with how much Better Things Used To Be, in the Past, despite the fact that he’s a middle-of-the-cohort Gen Xer, at oldest, but anyway, what is a podcast if not the modern-day equivalent of an old-timey radio show? Shouldn’t Greg be pleased that this ancient art is being recognized and turned into movie franchises, just like the old radio serials of old? His reaction seems way, way over the top: as he begs his Creator to take him away from this fallen world in the final panel, he appears to have taken the admonishment in Matthew 18:9 to heart, plucking out his own eyes so that he can’t see the abomination that is a Sir Patrick Stewart-voiced poop emoji. But you can still hear the podcasts, Greg. You can still hear the podcasts.

Shoe, 4/11/19

I can’t decide if this strip is an indication that the Shoe creative team has suddenly remembered that their characters are all birds, or have forgotten so profoundly that they made this joke entirely on accident.

Judge Parker, 4/11/19

Two days later, Marie was murdered by the mafia. Sam and Abbey never noticed that she failed to visit over the holidays, because [rolls dice] Neddy [rolls dice again] was sad because she lacked direction, and that took up all their energy.

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Family Circus, 4/7/19

This is maybe one of the darkest Family Circuses I’ve ever seen! Let’s take a look at each of the portrayed fates of the lovers, clockwise from the left:

• Dude in prison
• 25 happily married years
• Dude watches TV with a buzz on while his wife hunches next to him uncomfortably
• Dude brings flower in from garden
• Old couple making out
• Lady looks at beloved’s grave
• Happy couple on tropical beach
• Cheerful domestic scene with kids
• Homeless couple huddles under blanket
• Dude thinks about his beloved, who is a nun
• Grumpy middle aged couple fights at therapy

Some of these are perfectly fine, but you gotta admit this is a much lower batting average for love than you’d expect from this strip. My favorite is the nun one, myself. I like how the guy’s dog looks almost as sad as he does. “I know she took a vow of chastity,” thinks the dog, “but she didn’t take a vow of no-dog-stity. It’s not right!”

Judge Parker, 4/7/19

Oh, hey, so I guess Marie isn’t taking Sam up on his offer to make “Marie” disappear and give her a new identity to escape from the mob, but she also is going to quit her job that allows her to live on the gated Spencer-Driver estate and make the money she needs to keep secluded! Excellent decision making all around.

The Phantom, 4/7/19

“You’re missing the big picture! Everything we do his for the history! Look at Hellborne Helene here — this plane combined a hot dame with hot legs with fiery hot death dropped onto German and Japanese cities from above! Eros and thanatos, mingled together in that contradictory stew we call life!”

Dennis the Menace, 4/7/19

Dennis definitely went over to Mr. Wilson’s house and pooped in a box, is what I’m getting from this.