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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/19

I’m not sure which I find more disturbing: the physical configuration of Snuffy’s body, which appears to be lazily half-flopping off the bed as he refuses to put even the least bit of effort into maintaining his dignity, or the topography of the Smif property, which is now revealed to be riven by one of Hootin’ Holler’s innumerable chasms. At least we now have an explanation of why Loweezy is willing to stand for so long by the mailbox, waiting for missives from the outside world to arrive.

Judge Parker, 3/30/19

Oh, hey, it turns out the reason Marie’s husband Roy faked his death is that he was deep in debt to the mob — like, $1.3 million dollars deep — and now they’re gonna come after Marie! Of course, the Parker-Drivers are famous for writing large checks to make problems go away for the family, but Marie’s not exactly family, is she? So, who do we think the “people” Sam knows are who he’s going to foist Marie off onto? I’m guessing it’s the big shot Hollywood agent who he connected with the rural marijuana farmer back in 2012. Hope that mineshaft is still climate controlled!

Zits, 3/30/19

I know this supposed to be “the newspaper comics poking fun at itself,” but I dearly hope it’s actually presaging a vicious feud on the funny pages. Watch out, 90-year-old legacy strips! Young whippersnappers that have only been on the comics pages for a mere 20 years — the blink of an eye, really — are coming for you!

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Mary Worth, 3/2/19

Oh god, I just had a thought: is this string of terrible dates going to end with Estelle in the arms of … Wilbur? Think about it: he’s relative youthful, he’s not an alpha, after the whole Fabiana/Iris thing I’m sure he’s terrified of non-monogamy, he’s gainfully employed, and if there’s one thing we can be sure of, it’s that he’s never going to complain about food being “underseasoned.”

Judge Parker, 3/2/19

“That person is my therapist, and I’m going to pay her back by referring you to her, because you’ve got issues that are gonna keep her in business for years. Don’t worry, you’re on Sam and Abbey’s insurance — I’m not sure if you realized it, but when you signed your employment paperwork, they legally adopted you. It’s a tax thing.”

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Judge Parker, 2/24/19

Oh, hey, Judge Parker! Here’s what’s been going in Judge Parker: the police of the tropical island paradise where Marie was enjoying her honeymoon with Roy were only suggesting that she had killed him in order to flush him out of hiding, because it turned out he had embezzled a bunch of money from his employer and faked his death and now was on an entirely different resort island several thousand miles away. Obviously Marie is very broken up about this, which is why it’s extremely kind of Sam to let her fly back to the States in business class with him, right before she has to go back to cleaning his underwear and cooking him dinners that he’ll briefly acknowledge with a grunt before eating in stony silence.

Family Circus, 2/24/19

Oh, isn’t that cute! This hill is haunted by the ghosts of all the other children who died sledding down its steep, dangerous slopes! Look at Big Daddy Keane’s little smile: he knows.