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Judge Parker, 4/1/17

So Honey Ballenger’s dad has invited Sam over to the kidnap compound and is going to shoot him with a shotgun, probably for being a rich jerk whose kid was the reason his got briefly kidnapped or something. I like how the subtle details let us know he’s a crazed maniac: what sort of lunatic just has a VHS tape labelled “NFL PLAYOFFS”? Does re-record over it every year? Or does he just endlessly rewatch the Patriots-Jaguars first-round game from January 2006, the last one played before the record function on his VCR broke?

Blondie, 4/1/17

[I take a long drag from a cigarette]

Now, Cathy’s mother-in-law tried to sell hers at a yard sale, back in ’09, but the real heyday was three years before that. Curtis wanted a pair. A plugger threw ’em out by accident. At least one of the Chix thought they were a joke. And Al Scaduto — God, I miss Al Scaduto — Al Scaduto though you’d wear ’em at a “hobo gathering,” and that might not be what you call “politically correct” but you can’t deny it hits the nail on the head.

[I take another drag, then laugh a laugh that devolves into coughing]

Well, sorry to go on like that, stranger! It’s just, you come around here, and you say “predistressed jeans,” and–

[I look out over the rail of the porch, towards the distant horizon]

–well, I haven’t heard that name in years.

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/18/17

So Funky walked up the hill to that mysterious abandoned house and then … spent the week walking around in it eerie emptiness? And then looked at an old painting on the wall for a while. And today, in the first dialogue of the whole week, thought-balloons some stuff that I guess is supposed to be profound but is actually just a symptom of a major depressive disorder. I honestly don’t know if this is a Significant Location From Storylines Past or just a Metaphor Symbolizing Life’s Impermanence, and I also don’t know what’s supposed to be happening here, but in a larger sense I feel like I know exactly what’s happening here, you know?

Judge Parker, 3/18/17

You’ll recall that when Derek was first introduced to this strip, he was Honey Ballinger’s boyfriend but Sophie liked him she decided to steam him away, but then suddenly (and by “suddenly” I mean “four years later,” because this is Judge Parker after all) Derek was Sophie’s boyfriend and she was worried Honey Ballinger was going to steal him away from her. This could’ve all been chalked up to the silly, transient nature of teen relationships, but as today’s final panel reveals, the question of who exactly was dating whom has abruptly become extremely serious.

Mary Worth, 3/18/17

Pretty sure that this is what you’d get if you were making a movie and directed your actors to “do a bunch of cocaine and then yell whatever comes into your head about cruises as loud and as fast as you can.”

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Judge Parker, 3/16/17

Oh, hey, good news, finally the some of the escaped/released teens in Judge Parker are talking to the police, and telling their disturbing tales of captivity! I’m sure some of you sickos have been waiting for the moment when Sophie’s sexy teen lust object Derek finally dropped his pants, and now I hope you’re suitably chastened and muttering “Not like this, not … like this” under your breath.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/16/17

Ironically, as panel three demonstrates, the number one cause of shoulder injuries in Hootin’ Holler is flappin’ yore arms around as you laugh uproariously at yore own li’l joke.

Dennis the Menace, 3/16/17

“Like here, in the crawlspace of this abandoned house where all the bodies are. Definitely she wouldn’t want me hanging out here!”