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Archive: Judge Parker

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Soapy Tuesday

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Gil Thorp, 9/3/24

I always joke about how the good people of Milford and the greater Valley Conference catchment area at large are completely crazed over high school sports. What I hadn’t reckoned with is that, in the age of social media, what had until recently been a local phenomenon has gone national. Just as TikTok users everywhere now watch endless videos about sorority rush at the University of Alabama with mingled fascination and horror, so too have sports fans been drawn into the drama and excitement of the football season for the Mudlarks and their rivals; and as today’s strip makes clear, the memetic vector for this viral trend is Mary Moon’s podcast, which has had the side effect of making Marty a celebrity as well. But at what cost? Look at his grim facial expression in panel three there. He knows how the game is played in the year 2024, and he knows the only way to become a successful content creator is to get personal, to share your own struggles, no matter how damaging and humiliating. So yeah, this reporter knows about Marty. She knows about the drinking, about the on-air meltdowns, about perpetrating fraud on CPS, about the time he was financially ruined by “friendly” golf bets. She knows about all of it, and he knows she knows, and it’s honestly killing him. He just wanted to report on sports, like Howard Cosell and Chris Berman, and maybe get a little recognition for it. That’s all he ever wanted. Did those guys ever have to publicly gut themselves three times a week for the amusement of the vultures streaming on Spotify, then pull themselves together enough to read the copy for a mattress ad?

Gasoline Alley, 9/3/24

If you find the emotional intensity of Gil Thorp too much, may I recommend Gasoline Alley? In the latest plot developments, Walt’s new cat didn’t want to eat her food, so Gertie got a new flavor and now she’s eating again. This took two weeks!

Judge Parker, 9/3/24

Ah, yes: piles of putrid uncanned trash rapidly baking in the early September sun … a college undergraduate smiling cruelly at a text about someone getting dumped, possibly her … just another day in the greatest city in the world! Da Big Apple, baby!!!!

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Hey, have we established whether Estelle has ever had a real job

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Judge Parker, 8/21/24

You know, back in the day, young Sophie was a real nerd who used to spend a lot of time on laptops analyzing grim data about wars and environmental collapse and such. Then she hit puberty and got sort of boy crazy and remade herself into a mean girl super cheerleader. Now, having entered college and become a young adult, she’s finally managed to integrate the two sides of her personality, learning to flirt with a hot boy while using her laptop to scour video footage for evidence of his father’s death.

Mary Worth, 8/21/24

It’s a tough, expensive, and sometimes thankless journey to becoming a veterinarian, but think of the benefits: when your betrothed starts getting tiresome about all the wedding-planning details, you can just look her straight in the eye and say “Every time you say another color name at me, another cat dies. Is that what you want? Dead cats?” You can’t pull that sort of power move if you have some dumb spreadsheet job, that’s for sure.

Dennis the Menace, 8/21/24

“Every day, the number of Dennis iterations increases! This simply isn’t sustainable! It’s a menace to the very nature of our reality!”

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Mmm … slop

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Blondie, 8/16/24

This strip may on first read seem entirely incoherent, but I actually think it nicely captures many people’s instinctive take on generative AI. Delicious, chemically infused slop dished up a vaguely burger-flavored form? Yum yum, bring it on! Uncanny valley content slop that you find when desperately searching for information or recipes online or looking at pictures on Facebook? Ugh, no, gross, absolutely not, kill it with fire.

Judge Parker, 8/16/24

Think I’m siding with mom here. Oh, you think your little underwater sojourn has helped you solve the mystery of the missing dad? Well, have you considered that the missing dad is going to be dead forever, whereas this party is alive and bumpin’ for just a few more hours? Why do you have to ruin it now, when we’ve already spent all this money on nice hors d’oeuvres?

Family Circus, 8/16/24

Sorry, Dolly, if you can’t even rope in your stupidest sibling, I don’t think your plan to declare yourself a God manifest on Earth and demand worship is going to work out.