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Judge Parker, 8/30/16

It’s been years since puberty transformed Sophie from a data-obsessing pantsuit-wearing tween genius into a mean girl super-cheerleader. But while she’s been curating her affect for maximum acceptability in school, her core identity — rational, calculating, steel-willed — remains intact. Her plan to win Derek’s heart has been carefully crafted from the beginning. Wars interest her. And today, she’s going to self-talk her way out of a wrecked car. “This is not how you bleed, Sophie. This is not how you die. This may be how Honey Ballinger dies, though. Just move that shoulder belt a few inches to upwards, so it her throat rests right on it with all her weight … she won’t even feel a thing…”

Dick Tracy, 8/30/16

Liberal whiners in the U.S. are always extolling European health care systems, but real American Dick Tracy is here to show us the reality. If he had suffered his injuries in America, right now he’d be in a gleaming new for-profit hospital, but he’s in Switzerland, so he’s getting the best care they have on offer, which is in the home office of some dude who isn’t assertive enough to get rid of his houseguests.

Family Circus, 8/30/16

Wow, so I guess we’re getting a whole week of this, huh? You know, most comics are going broke, and Garfield has never been anything but a marketing vehicle, but I’m kind of surprised that the Family Circus is the first syndicated comic to offer native advertising.

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Judge Parker, 8/25/16

Shout out to Woody Wilson for going out on a high note and handing Judge Parker to new writer (and friend-of-the-blog) Ces Marciuliano with a literal cliffhanger on which to begin his tenure. After barreling soberly-but-with-vodka-in-the-car down a windy mountain road, our triumphant but mysteriously nameless band (I nominate New Delhi Monkey Gang) broke into physical squabbling that knocked out Derrick’s tooth and marred his pretty, pretty smile, and also swerved them into the path of a giant truck. Anyway, today’s lovely strip probably is their frozen terror as they tumble down the mountainside rather than the final moment before they die (or, even better, the first moment after they die and begin their ascendence to Shitty High School Band Heaven), but, you know, a guy can dream.

The Phantom, 8/25/16

Oh boy, Kit Jr., has arrived at the Tibetan monastery that has educated several generations of Phantoms before him, hoping to bamboozle the monks into believing he’s an immortal jungle spirit! Unfortunately, it’s been a good several centuries since a Walker has taken up a residency at the monastery, and some of the geopolitics have shifted in the meantime, mostly involving Tibet’s conquest by the People’s Republic of China. If, say, Kit Jr.’s father or grandfather (who knows how old these people are supposed to be, even) had decided to revive this particular bit of Phantomic ritual, that might’ve put them straight into the middle of the Cultural Revolution and some real fun. As it is, Kit Jr. will probably just get in education in “socialism with Chinese characteristics,” i.e., he’ll find himself working for a cell phone manufacturer with a dodgy labor rights reputation.

Crankshaft, 8/25/16

Good news! Crankshaft is going to jail!

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Mary Worth, 8/15/16

I’m back, everyone! Let’s give a huge shout-out to Uncle Lumpy, who did admirable work while I lounged around my darkened bedroom in a Vicodin haze, the shadows emphasizing how ripped my torso is. I was worried for a bit that I’d get fired, but then I realized that I own this darn website! I can do all the pills I want!

Anyway, after reviewing the past week of Mary Worth, I’m glad to see that the current storyline continues to promote the pill-popper lifestyle. For a minute it looked like Tommy might have some trouble doctor shopping, but it turns out that if you’re clever and determined enough, you can get all the delicious painkillers you needed, as you can tell by the pill bottles lined up on Tommy’s bedside table. And now that he’s being fired from his lame sandwich job, he’s got more time to enjoy his Vicodin. Win-win!

Judge Parker, 8/15/16

Meanwhile, in classic Judge Parker fashion, we’ve been treated to both the drama-filled run-up to Derek’s band’s gig and the ecstatic aftermath without actually seeing the performance itself. The important thing here is that Zeke, having been corrupted by Honey’s flirtatious banter, has switched from Monster® Energy Drink to Osipov Vodka. This is apparently not a real vodka brand, though Googling it led me to a book called The Rise of the Centaurs, so I have no regrets. Anyway, it’s going to be very sad when this bad decision leads to all these teens being killed in a drunk backseat driving accident.

Gil Thorp, 8/15/16

Speaking of getting killed in a drunk driving accident, Barry Bader’s drunk driving dad is going to, uh, take a plea, I guess? Given the lightning-fast pace of the U.S. court system, this plot should finally be wrapped up just in time for football season in 2019.