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Marvin, 6/15/09

You know, every time I think that Marvin has reached a new nadir of depravity, I am horrified and amazed anew as a fresh week of filth blights the innocent comics pages. The strip’s title character (aka “Satan’s toddler”) enjoys sitting around in his own putrefying waste, you see. How can he be convinced to join polite society and learn to urinate and defecate in a toilet? Only by animating his potty chair by some sinister magic and having it beg to be defiled. “You see Marvin, I’ve come out here because I want you to pee and poo in my mouth! Isn’t that vile enough to bring a glimmer of cruel enjoyment to your dark, dark soul?”

Lockhorns, 6/15/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because Loretta has killed Leroy by slipping horse tranquilizers into his evening highball! At least he appears to have died happy.

Garfield, 6/15/09

And just like that, the murder-suicide pact is forged.

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Crankshaft, 5/12/09

If the signature facial expression in Funky Winkerbean is the smirk that can’t come close to masking the pain, the signature facial expression in Crankshaft is the overwrought look of stricken horror that accompanies social embarrassment or discomfort. “Oh, no, my old father-in-law has forgotten that he will die soon!” “Oh, no, someone expressed an intimate sentiment in public!” “Oh, no, my son’s entry-level job doesn’t pay well!”

I have no idea why Pam is horrified today, mostly because I have no idea what the ’Shaft’s granddaughter is talking about here; probably she’s glad the robe is all-covering because she’s going to go streaking, or wear a bikini, or get a tattoo, or something, in which case Pam’s facial expression would mean “Oh, no, she’s planning on celebrating her graduation by having a good time!”

Baldo, 5/12/09

Tia Carmen is ever haunted by the grim specter of death, and her single slice of birthday pie cannot make her forget the creeping dread.

Lockhorns, 5/12/09

Meetings of the Hemlock Society are never particularly lively.

Mary Worth, 5/12/09

“You should judge everyone based on his own actions! For instance, you should judge your new friend based on the fact that he’s starting up an inappropriate romantic relationship with a key witness in an ongoing criminal investigation!”

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Phantom, 4/28/09

Hey, kids! Remember the Jungle Patrol? This exciting Bangallan law enforcement agency featured into a Phantom storyline from year and change back, in which a lady cop and and waitress shook up that formerly all-male bastion by combining toughness, trigger-happiness, and lady parts. The story lasted long enough to prompt some t-shirtage, then faded into that narrative netherworld where all Phantom storylines go, presumably never to be heard from again.

Except! Today we do hear from these ladies again, as they prepare for another day of imposing law and order on the jungle, by way of patrolling. This reappearance of pre-existing non-Phantom, non-Phantom-relative, non-Guran-or-Old-Man-Mozz characters has pretty much blown my mind, so, sap that I am, I’m actually pretty eager to find out where this is going. Suggestion: the just-concluded-rather-abruptly storyline involved a sexy lady sea captain who seemed determined to make the Ghost Who Flirts her own, despite his married status, and the last Jungle Patrol storyline concluded by having our two feminist pioneers celebrate their empowerment by plotting dreamily to woo their Unknown Commander, so perhaps a four-or-more-way catfight is in our future.

Lockhorns, 4/27/09

“Like, you know, to orgasm.” [rim shot]

Apartment 3-G, 4/27/09

It’s true that I failed to acknowledge Joe’s hilarious umbrella-bludgeoning at the hands of Margo over the past few days; that’s because my job is to comment on the unusual and unexpected, and surely we all knew that when any blunt object is placed in Margo’s hands, a savage beating can’t be far off. On the other hand, who could have predicted that Joe’s ritual humiliation would reach its climax when some character that nobody recognized wandered in and offered to taser him? It’s these little moments of delight that keep us coming back to the comics page day after day.