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Archive: Lockhorns

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Asked and answered

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So many questions! But you can always say “yes” to the Comics Curmudgeon — with a generous contribution!

Marvin, 11/15/12

Q. Why couldn’t I have been born into a one-story family?
A. Why not? You’ve been living in a one-story comic for years.

Mary Worth, 11/15/12

Q. It’s because I’m missing an arm … isn’t it?
A. No! That’s not it at all! Although I did notice when you gestured expressively at me over there in the left panel a moment ago that you were holding your drink and pointing using the same hand, and frankly it looked pretty awkward. I, on the other hand, with my two arms, count ’em yourself, one … two, can hold a drink in my right hand while gesturing expressively — like this! — with my left hand, from its convenient location at the end of this arm here! The left arm, second of two! Pretty useful, wouldn’t you say? I was wondering why you don’t do something like tha… AUGH OH MY GOD YOU HAVE ONLY ONE ARM GET AWAY FROM ME YOU HIDEOUS MAN-FREAK!

Family Circus, 11/15/12

Q. Mommy, do we know any princes?
A. We’ve been over this, Dolly — that’s where the pisketti comes from.

Spider-Man, 11/15/12

Q. What’s he up to?
A. He’s introducing Sherry to the Four Stooges.
Sorry, that was harsh — the four monkeys.

Lockhorns, 11/15/12

Scabs, again?

Oh God I am so profoundly sorry.

— Uncle Lumpy

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OK, we get it, comics aren’t always funny, you’re proving that real nicely

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Funky Winkerbean, 11/9/12

So, yes, as predicted, an innocent if somewhat ham-handed query about why the word “comic” usually means “funny” but doesn’t in the case of comic books has led to a week-long and increasingly self-important diatribe about the history of the medium and why it’s been forced unfairly into a ghetto where nobody takes it seriously, man (The question that was actually asked was answered fairy succinctly by webcomics hero David Willis.) Hat-bro has been allowed to occasionally say quasi-funny things this week making the point that, ha ha, this answer sure is going on for a while and is boring, but he’s now been silenced, and in today’s final panel the oppressive crush of verbiage manages to drain all color from the room as it reaches a critical mass.

Apartment 3-G, 11/9/12

Ha, so, Aunt Cathy, Evan’s mean girl aunt, is … running a publicity agency that competes with Margo’s? And Evan is secretly working for Margo’s agency as a mole? And he’s spiriting young starlets away to his aunt’s agency by convincing Margo that they’re rivals for his massage-y affections? This makes so much less sense than anything else I thought was happening, which is really something of an achievement.

Mary Worth, 11/9/12

Haha, I love Dawn’s wide-eyed expression in panel two, as she realizes she’s basically been given parental authorization to just stone cold make out with a bunch of dudes without having to worry about boring old “commitment” or anything. Of course, her new friend/love interest Jim is possessive and controlling, so I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear about her plans to play the field.

Shoe, 11/9/12

In world gone mad with ruthless and pointless competition, the Perfesser knows that the only winning move is not to play. That’s why he’s just going to sit in his overstuffed armchair with a beer, eating a pizza right out of the box, and staring at the TV with dead eyes until the reality show that is reality declares a “winner” he can get behind. Till then, he’s opting out of the whole thing. Where do you suppose the pizza box went between panels one and two? Do you think there are a bunch of other pizza boxes piled up there, wherever he threw it?

The Lockhorns, 11/9/12

Here … enjoy the greatest Lockhorns ever written.

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Mary Worth: Accidentally creepy, or deliberately creepy?

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Mary Worth, 10/22/12

You know what, you guys, this Mary Worth plot, in which Jim and Dawn are helping each other through their trauma and have the beginnings of romantic feelings for each other, is really quite sweet, and I thAHHH AHHH AHHH DAWN LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE JIM’S SISTER WHO WAS KILLED IN THE FERRY ACCIDENT IN WHICH HE LOST IS ARM AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

There are a lot of possibilities here (reincarnation? long-lost twin? Dawn really is Jim’s sister and survived the wreck and has amnesia and/or a whole set of false memories?) but I think we all know what the best one is: that Jim’s “sister” never existed, that this is a Photoshop job, and that if Dawn doesn’t accede to his demands that she move into the sisterly love chamber he’s prepared for her in his basement, she’ll find that picture with her eyes scratched out taped to every tree in her neighborhood.

Mark Trail, 10/22/12

Ah, the eternal dilemma of modern governance! Sure, we’d all like for our little village to run itself, with the main island keeping its politics out of things — but with main island politics come main island money! Do you want those fat cats on the main island calling the shots on how your village does things, or do you want to have to resort to yachtjacking to fund your local schools? Hopefully Mark can come up with a settlement between the village and the main island that respects local autonomy while sharing fiscal burdens. If negotiations fail, he may need to impose it with his fists.

Spider-Man, 10/22/12

So I looked it up, and last-minute bus tickets from New York to Las Vegas are only about $100 cheaper round trip than last-minute plane tickets … and the bus ride involves changing buses four times over 3 days. J. Jonah Jameson’s dedication to humiliating his employees is intense.

The Lockhorns, 10/22/12

“Also, Leroy’s been dead for three days! I figured I’d call someone to take him away when I got sick of looking at him, but, you know, it hasn’t happened yet.”