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Lockhorns, 9/21/12

Loretta staring forlornly at Leroy’s paycheck as she cracks wise about his financial inadequacies is part of her shtick now, of course, just as most of the Lockhorns’ interactions with each other can be reduced to a formula aimed at emotionally destruction, repeated in endless permutations as the situation demands. Still, you’d think she’d at least make the pretense that she’s actually surprised by how little money he makes and open the envelope before making fun of it. Maybe Leroy should switch to direct deposit and deny her the use of her prop.

Family Circus, 9/21/12

We can all tell by looking at them that the Keane Kids are monstrous genetic anomalies, but now it seems that Jeffy’s deformed body is falling apart internally. Poor little mutant! You were never meant to be!

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/5/12

I know that attempting to reason your way through the wordy, pointless setups to the limp punchlines in your typical Herb and Jamaal strip is a pointless exercise that can only lead to petulant resentment, but … damn you, Herb and Jamaal, for getting me to actually comparison-shop suspenders and belts on Amazon. FOR THE RECORD, low-end suspenders are a few dollars cheaper than low-end belts, but surely the difference isn’t enough to make a meaningful difference in Jamaal’s clothing budget. Although maybe the choice is between buying new suspenders and buying new, larger pants? ARGH I’M THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN ARGH ARGH ARGH

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/5/12

I know as someone without kids I’m not supposed to judge people’s parenting styles, but it strikes me as poor form for Snuffy to be openly gleeful that his son (or nephew? is Jughaid their nephe?) will be brutally bullied at school because of an outfit that he would rather not wear. Maybe he’s just excited that soon Jughaid will grow to loathe school, which will put him on a path to becomimg a semi-literate unemployable layabout and thus a true member of the Smith clan.

Mary Worth, 9/5/12

“In order to live a truly meaningful life, a young girl like you needs to find a husband! Have you considered calling Dave? He may be more attracted to you now that you’ve been on television!”

The Lockhorns, 9/5/12

We all know that Leroy is in constant emotional pain, because of his awful marriage, but it turns out that he’s also in constant physical pain, because he’s old and out of shape.

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Apartment 3-G, 8/25/12

Dude, loosen the grip: Margo isn’t leaving, you are. Or maybe not! Ever the professional, Margo tells Cooper, “I will gladly break a prior commitment to avoid spending any more time with you than absolutely necessary. But no need for thanks — that’s just the kind of service my clients have come to expect from me, even though it’s my first day in this business!”

Dick Tracy, 8/25/12

You know, I don’t think I’d eat at a sushi joint at the back of an aquarium, especially if it had really low prices. But of course Phishface is a cannibal, not an epicure: he dines to assimilate the strength of vanquished foes, so taste and freshness aren’t deal-breakers. This adventure can end only in the gruesome hook-related death of Phishface, or a grand feast of bland, stale toreshimaki.

Also, whales are fish. Told you so.

Beetle Bailey, 8/25/12

Oh, look — more golf crap!

The Lockhorns, 8/25/12

You know, for somebody who routinely gets rowdy drunk, monopolizes the hottest chicks, and picks fights, Leroy Lockhorn still gets invited to a lot of parties.

— Uncle Lumpy