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Funky Winkerbean, 6/23/10

So why did Funky bravely step back from the precipice of alcoholism last week? Obviously it was so that, when he was inevitably killed by a distracted driver on his way home, he wouldn’t even have the sweet taste of liquor on his tongue to console him in his final moments. BONUS MISERY: Someone will have spotted him coming out of the bar, and everyone will assume that he drunk-drove himself to death, bringing shame to his family and his memory.

Luann, 6/23/10

Accidental Gunther nudity: totally predictable. Gunther’s three-foot long ribbed worm-cock: not predictable at all, and really quite unsettling.

Panel from Spider-Man, 6/23/10

Peter Parker: Portrait of a hero!

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Luann, 6/22/10

Hi, everybody! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to the comics today, as I’ve been literally lying on the floor gibbering with rage and disgust about today’s Luann. Never have I been so sad to have been proven right in my prediction that more Tales of Ribaldry await us. In fact, I would argue that “accidental” nudity is at the heart of any Tale of Ribaldry. This strip is Tale of Ribaldrastic. It contains the exact combination of humiliation and arousal that puts the teeth of any right-thinking person on edge. John Irving can get away with this stuff, sometimes. Luann is not John Irving.

Still, let it never be said that even predicted outcomes don’t hold some surprises! For instance, panel three’s drawing of Luann, who, despite being appalled just moments earlier, is now thrusting out her chest and offering the reader a come-hither stare, is pretty much exactly what I might have expected. But I didn’t anticipate the loving attention that has been lavished on Gunther’s sexy legs in panel one.

Mark Trail, 6/22/10

This Mark Trail plot is a love letter to print publishing. Ol’ Sally, who doesn’t subscribe to a paper and gets all her news from Twitter, hasn’t heard about this big dog reward story; but everyone who’s still tuned into the lamestream media has been kept in the loop on this important info! It would be hilarious if dozens of newspaper aficionados descend on Sally’s filthy kennel, each determined to earn that money — hilarious until the whole thing ends up like the death of Chinese warlord Xiang Yu, with the reward being split five ways.

I have to say that I’d much rather contemplate the loving attention lavished on Gunther’s thighs than contemplate the loving attention lavished on villain-lady’s weird protruding disk-like chin. Is it artificial? Has she gotten a chin implant? Are artificial chins a thing now? Why am I always the last to know?

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Judge Parker, 6/21/10

While Sam and Neddy’s French boyfriend (about whom she has expressed ambivalence!) are back home writing elaborate legal disclaimers for fancy shoes, Neddy has slipped off to meet up with … the mysterious Mark! Is this the fellow that Neddy was doing the “tongue thing” with, when she was making her tearful goodbyes before heading off for her semester in France, four and a half years ago? No, that was apparently “Bob,” whose necking session with Neddy was spied upon by pretty much the entire Spencer-Driver household. (Click those links to check out the pre-Barreto Neddy and Abbey — rawr!) Anyway, this Mark fellow seems to just be some dude in an ugly green polo shirt with whom Neddy will apparently not be making out, yawn.

Luann, 6/21/10

I’m assuming that these screams of shock and horror are because Luann has accidentally walked in on Gunther changing and is seeing him in some extremely mild version of undress (i.e., without his omnipresent grid shirt), and this is going to set up another dumb “Tales of Ribaldry”-style sequence. Still, I’d like to imagine (for narrative interest, not sexual thrills, as all of these characters make my libido shrivel and die) that something truly “AHHH!” worthy is going on there: Gunther in a crotchless fursuit, Gunther in a crotchless fursuit humping a Luann-shaped pillow, etc.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/21/10

Well, it looks like Funky has stepped back from the precipice of full-on alcoholic relapse … for now. But what is the significance of our anachronistically attired barkeep’s decision to gulp down the cocktail Funky left behind? Perhaps the pall of gloom that seems to hover over the entire Funkyverse really only afflicts the main characters; the ancillary players live normal, happy lives in the background, until the day they come in contact with Les or Susan or whoever. As soon as Funky entered the bar, the awful aura of death and misery that surrounds him presumably chilled the bartender to his very core, leaving him very much in need of a stiff drink.

Mary Worth, 6/21/10

Dr. Roberts may be reluctant, but Jenna is insanely eager to get this Mary Worth-orchestrated romance off the ground. “Aww, yeah, here we go! I got my bowl of cottage cheese, my tall glass of Metamucil, and my laptop! Let’s get this party started!”

UPDATE: Good lord, i almost missed this:

One Big Happy, 6/21/10

The fellow in the first panel is, of course, wearing a Finger-Quotin’ Margo shirt! You can order your own and wear it with pride, whether or not you choose to sport goofy facial hair.