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Crankshaft, 2/22/16

The phrase “bet the farm” comes from an earlier era, when agriculture was the primary economic activity and a significant portion of the population lived on small family farms. To many people of that era, a farm was a home and a job and a family legacy and a retirement fund, all wrapped up in one; to “bet the farm” meant, in essence, to gamble everything you had. Thus, Crankshaft’s malapropism is for once appropriate. Crankshaft definitely needs access to a pharmacy to live! He’s very old and not particularly healthy.

Mark Trail, 2/22/16

“…I’m only teasing! Definitely do not try to get out more often. Stay here, safe in this cave, for the rest of time! You’ll see how boring my life is as the three of us gradually slip into isolation-induced delirium, here in this kingdom of eternal darkness!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/22/16

Ya can always count on yore fambly … t’just straight up beat the shit out of you! Punch you right in the God-damned face! I know it’s Monday and everything, but this strip is particularly grim.

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Dick Tracy, 2/15/16

Oh hey Dick Tracy is celebrating the U.S. re-establishing diplomatic relations with Cuba by having Dick travel to Cuba, to fight crime, with a Cuban detective and also a Russian! Anyway, today they’re all suddenly talking to Enormous Cuban Wolverine-Esque guy with little explanation, who has “Dirty Action Terminate Land For” written on his chest, which is definitely a thing that makes sense. Jokes on you, “DJ,” the U.S. has extradition treaties with both Panama and Bermuda.

Slylock Fox, 2/15/16

The animals may think they’re building a new, better world without us, but they’re fooling themselves. They’re pale shadows of us. Why else do they wear our clothes, live in our cities, mimic our forms of justice? The real losers (other than the billions of human beings who were mauled to death in the opening hours of the animapocalypse) were the ones living out in the wilderness. The foxes, the mice, the cats and dogs — they had spent time living in the cities, and when they Awoke, they were on familiar ground. They probably started driving the first day. But the giraffes and the other animals out away from humanity — they could talk now, and form abstract thoughts, but that doesn’t mean they understood the new world they were expected to participate in. Look at poor Jerry. He’s not even wearing clothes. They’ve just thrown a sheet over him. He doesn’t know he’s supposed to be ashamed.

Mark Trail, 2/15/16

Mark, you’ve been trapped in this cave for maybe 30 seconds and it’s way too soon to start touting the merits of “land shrimp.” You are far too eager about all this. “Hey guys, do you know that bat guano is nature’s chocolate? And let me tell you about ‘long pig!'”

Six Chix, 2/15/16

OH GOD THEY’RE MELTING THEMSELVES

THEIR LOWER JAWS ARE MELTING RIGHT AWAY AS THEY SCREAM ENDLESSLY

WHY DO THEY KEEP DRINKING

CAN’T THEY SEE THE MUTILATED CORPSES

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Mary Worth, 2/6/16

Uh oh, looks like Olive fell down and hurt herself! And now she looks … angry. You know, we’ve been having plenty of fun here watching Mary sexually reject dudes, but we shouldn’t lose sight of what this Olive story is really about, namely a little girl who talks to angels and can see the future. If there’s one thing movies have taught us about creepy children with mind powers, it’s this: they seem cheerful enough until they encounter a difficulty or obstacle that a normal person would take in stride, and then they get very angry indeed, generally with terrible consequences. The population of Midtown Manhattan seems to have dodged a bullet this time, though. Dude with the mustache is panel one in lucky his head didn’t explode, splattering goo everywhere, as a side effect of Olive’s rage.

The Phantom, 2/6/16

The Phantom is in the middle of a fairly dull story about teenage royal love that’s a sequel to one from six years ago, but I mostly want to point out that among the amenities of the Skull Cave is a Skull Hot Tub. I wonder if this is an ancient natural hot spring that’s formed a crater deep in this cavern over the centuries, or if the Ghost Who Walks just ordered a regular hot tub from Home Depot and had his interior designer “cave it up a bit.”

Pluggers, 2/6/16

Pluggers know that, no matter what you say about the Nazis and the regimes that collaborated with them, they sure knew how to maintain law and order.

Mark Trail, 2/6/16

Meanwhile, over in Mark Trail, a thing exploded pretty dramatically. HAPPY WEEKEND EVERYBODY