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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/15/24

Geez, man, what kind of weird Slylock Fox-ass riddle-telling meteorologist do these Snuffy and Lukey listen to. “Frozen precipitation,” oh ho ho, you’ve really tricked all your listeners. Jerk. Oh, if King Croesus crosses the Halys River, a great empire will be destroyed, is that it? I guess I forgive these guys for living in a violent culture where civil society and independent information sources are regarded with suspicion and paranoia if this is the kind of shit they have to put up with.

Mark Trail, 12/15/24

Oh, not much to see here, just Mark and Cherry Trail urging you to go out and buy some GROW LIGHTS for your indoor “herb garden.” That’ll spice things up, will it??? This is clearly about DRUGS and you two should be ASHAMED.

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Hello everyone! I am back from my vacation! Did you miss me? Did you realize you liked Uncle Lumpy better? Did you not even notice any changes? Feel free to only answer those questions in ways that won’t hurt my feelings. Anyway, I do want to thank Uncle Lumpy for his fabulous fill-in duties, and thank everyone who donated to the annual fundraiser (said donors will be getting individual thanks from me, this week!).

Mary Worth, 9/22/24

I also want to give thanks to the usually cold and unfeeling universe and/or the vagaries of the King Features editorial calendar. It seems strangely common that truly wild Mary Worth action, like the legendary Operation H-Town warehouse shootout, happens when I’m on vacation. But this year, I’ve gotten home just in time for the truly incredible panel in which Estelle decides to murder her fiance, and probably a bunch of sick animals too. Can’t wait!!!!

The Phantom, 9/22/24

An extremely long-simmering plot in The Phantom is that at one point the Phantom had amnesia, and ended up enlisting under the name “John X” as a patrolman in the Jungle Patrol, the paramilitary unit he ordinarily leads from the shadows as the perpetually unseen “Unknown Commander”. Before too long he regained his memory and had to juggle both roles, which was increasingly more trouble than it was worth, as fun as it was to intermittently show up as John X and make all the patrolwomen extremely horny. So our hero has finally decided to wrap up his double life by having the Unknown Commander order John X off on what’s widely understood as a suicide mission. This has the added benefit of modeling for the patrolpersons he commands the idea that they’re expected to nobly sacrifice themselves for unclear ends at any time, which could make his life a lot more convenient even ignoring the whole thing where he has one less identity to juggle now.

Beetle Bailey, 9/22/24

The throwaway panels assure us that Beetle is aware that he is a member of the U.S. Armed Forces, but it’s fascinating that in subsequent panels he contemplates various increasingly fantastical transportation modes only in terms of the convenience they would offer him, and not the incredible tactical advantage they would grant his platoon in combat. I guess there’s a reason he’s never been promoted: he simply doesn’t have the mind for military leadership.

Mark Trail, 9/22/24

WOW, Mark Trail, you had an opportunity to depict a GRAPHIC vulture vomit scene in the Sunday full-color comics and you chickened out? For shame, for shame!

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Arctic Circle, 9/18/24

This strip has been fixated on environmental catastrophe so long it’s jarring to see it suddenly switch gears. Or has it? After all, Oscar, Ed, and Gordo are still standing on their metaphorical corner of the Internet wearing sandwich boards announcing “The End Is Near.” Climate, AI: Tomato, Tomahto. It’s like a Choose Your Own Adventure where every path leads to extinction.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/18/24

Hey, Parson, them thar antydepressicant pharmysooticals shore will make the news go down easier!

Mark Trail, 9/18/24

Mark is searching for “Vampire in Malibu” director Wesley Wingit, reputedly holed up in this house full of lions. Very talented lions. They can open a chest freezer; unwrap, thaw, and microwave their meals; and presumably use the litter box, most likely a repurposed swimming pool. If Wesley doesn’t show up, they can probably also direct his next movie, produced by MGM of course.

Judge Parker, 9/18/24

Pity poor Ronnie. To escape her wretched marriage to self-absorbed twit Kat who looks exactly like Neddy, she submits to a doomed roadtrip with self-absorbed twit Neddy who looks exactly like Neddy because she is actually Neddy. In her troubled dreams, Ronnie careers through a mirrored funhouse with infinite Neddies screeching tornadoes of empty yak at her from every side, only to awake soaked in sweat to find yet another goddamn Neddy shaking her shoulder saying, “Hey, I’ve got an idea ….”

Beetle Bailey, 9/18/24

Pity Amos Halftrack. This is as intimate as he will ever be with a woman; this moment will define his life.

—Uncle Lumpy