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Mark Trail, 4/22/13

Mark and Wes are off to go “look at some sheep” (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) (I’m talking about sex with sheep) and they’re a little worried about leaving the ladies alone! Don’t fret, fellas, they’ll be fine, just fine, having a grand old time stone cold shooting at things. Better make a lot of noise as you approach the camp when you come back! They might get a little trigger happy (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) (I’m talking about them getting crazed with bloodlust and pumping anything that moves full of hot lead).

Apartment 3-G, 4/22/13

Margo usually doesn’t think about niceties like “sleep” or “working tomorrow” when there’s a hot piece of duly elected man meat in her sights, but for once she’s sticking to the girl-bro code. She and Lu Ann promised each other they’d double-team the governor, and she’s not going in alone!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/22/13

Man, even the butterflies are aggressive and foul-mouthed in Hootin’ Holler.

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Mary Worth, 4/18/13

Well, it looks like fate did indeed have other plans for Beth — plans that she would meet her crush in the parking lot on the way to the grocery store! It should be smooth sailing to love for these two … but wait! Why is Tom’s face obscured by shadow? Is something sinister afoot? Is Beth not headed to Food Team? Is she a devoted customer of Shop4Food, Food Team’s hated rival? Will she refuse to go grocery shopping with Tom because she’s only 16 FoodPoints away from earning a 20-cent-per-gallon discount on gas when she swipes her 4Food4Points card at participating Exxon and Mobil stations? CAN THIS LOVE BE SAVED???

Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/13

Finally, Les’s smug happiness is going to be crushed! About time, too, it’s taken a whole week. First Funky blabbed to his newscaster ex-wife, and now this information is getting to … someone … sinister. Someone who can’t afford a nice couch or functioning Venetian blinds. Someone drinking a beer. Could this be the dude who knocked up Lisa, lo those many years ago, resulting in the birth of Darrin? Could he ruin the entire project by being a dick, somehow? Probably, since nothing in the Funkyverse really makes sense, except to induce more misery!

Apartment 3-G, 4/18/13

Ha, it seems that despite the governor’s transparent macking on Lu Ann, her project still didn’t win. “Let’s hear it for helping kids with special needs! It sure is better than helping the kids of veterans, am I right? Teaching art to vets’ kids is garbage, basically.”

Mark Trail, 4/18/13

Shelly sure is mad about this fishing business! It’s almost as if she said that she didn’t enjoy the outdoors, and nobody listened and made her go on a camping trip anyway. I absolutely love her furious face in the final panel. It looks like she’s decided that if the boys insist on her killing an animal this afternoon, she’s going to just go find one and strangle it.

Spider-Man, 4/18/13

Busy CEO Kingpin doesn’t have time to just sit around and watch his newly enslaved minion beat up Spider-Man! He has important things to do on the other side of the room. That’s why he has his assistant keep tabs on things for him, so that Kingpin will be alerted in the extremely likely case that Spider-Man starts running away like a coward.

Blondie, 4/18/13

The characters in and/or the creators of Blondie have a sadly tame idea of how students on spring break act.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/11/13

So Lisa’s Story has been picked up for direct-to-TV movie fame for big bucks, and I have to admit that I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, I find the unrelenting grimness of the Funkyverse fairly awful, so I suppose I should be glad that some good has actually befallen the characters. On the other hand, Les is smug and intolerable and now I actively enjoy seeing him tortured. So I’m now rooting for this story to end in crushed dreams as Funky Winkerbean plots inevitably do. Sorry, Cayla, you seem nice but then again you married Les so you clearly have problems. I don’t care if the bad thing that happens is Les being forced to rewrite Lisa’s Story in a way that betrays the memory of his beloved dead wife, or if he gets swindled by his agent and loses all his money, or if he and his whole family are killed by a runaway police horse at the movie’s gala premiere; I just want suffering.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/11/13

All right, we know that Herb and his mother in law have a troubled relationship, but I’m very disturbed that she sits silently in the corner of his dentist’s office while he’s undergoing oral surgery, watching, remembering. “You don’t see me, Herb,” she thinks, “But I see you. I see you.”

Mark Trail, 4/11/13

Mark sure is looking awfully confident in panel three about his plan to get his outdoorsy, cabin-dwelling wife and Shelley Thompson, about whom he knows nothing except that she’s rich and doesn’t care for the outdoors, to make friends with each other! “I’ll bet Shelly has the same parts that Cherry has that are different from my parts! I’m sure they will have a lot to talk about!”