Post Content

Beetle Bailey, 5/2/10

Beetle Bailey’s recent flirtation with self-referential absurdism has in fact led logically to this. All the references to the misty origins of the strip — you may not have known that upon launch Beetle Bailey was a college-humor strip, until the title character abruptly quit school and joined the army a year into its run — are here systematically dismantled. His long-forgotten girlfriend has found love with another, his ancient jalopy has been sold to a classic car collector, and his room at his parents’ has had all traces of his presence eliminated. With all ties to his former life finally cut after sixty years of basic training, Beetle is finally ready to ship out to one of the various war zones, where he will presumably die in a hail of bullets almost immediately, due to his incompetence.

Mark Trail, 5/2/10

Way to bring everyone down, Mark. “Look at this adorable little mouse, washing its face with its hands, OMG SO CUTE! Later, it was ground to bits in a mechanical thresher.”

Panels from Mary Worth, 5/2/10

LIES LIES OH MY GOODNESS SO MANY LIES

Post Content

Mark Trail, 4/30/10

I know it doesn’t really pay to contemplate the economics of comic strips too deeply, but in these days when newspapers and magazines are cutting full-time staff, cutting back on freelance fees, and trying to smooth-talk eager “new media” types into blogging for free, how exactly is it that Mark and the Trail family have remained solvent? We’ve never even seen him file a story, since when he’s supposed to be writing he inevitably becomes involved in some fisticuff-heavy derring-do that would leave him unable to write with the kind of rigorous objectivity that the strict editorial staff of Woods and Wildlife demands.

What I’m trying to say, Cherry, is that unless your dad holds some kind of valuable patent on a powerful animal tranquilizer, Mark is going to have to scurry off over and over again to afford you the kind of elaborate lifestyle you enjoy, with all the pricey mom jeans and what not. “Oh, Bill Ellis! I’d better go to New York and see what he has to say!” “But Mark, you just said…” “Not now, honey. Bill Ellis needs me!”

Apartment 3-G, 4/30/10

While we all appreciate a good episode of Margo berating and humiliating Lu Ann, might I tentatively point out that Mills Gallery is broke, and that Lu Ann’s cheesy watercolors lend themselves perfectly to cheesy holiday cards (“Happy Fernmas, from the Mills Gallery”), the markup on which is presumably substantial? Jack used to be adamant about not “lowering our standards,” but the harsh reality of the modern art world has forced him into crass marketing. But whatever, Margo is suddenly all about purity of artistic vision now. All of Lu Ann’s bougie prints will be dumped in the back alley in short order — representational art went out in the fucking 19th century, kids — and the gallery space will be given over to a series of challenging and unmarketable performance artists. First up will be Tommie with a wrenching multimedia piece entitled Why Won’t Anybody Talk To Me Why Why Why.

Family Circus, 4/30/10

To nobody’s surprise, Jeffy’s breath carries the awful stench of death.

Post Content

Lockhorns, 4/29/10

You’ve probably wondered: what would be a fouler expression of marital loathing than Loretta killing people and cooking them to feed to her unsuspecting husband? Hiring someone to dig up mouldering corpses from the graveyard, which she then cooks and feeds to her unsuspecting husband? Yeah, that sounds about right. Thanks goodness for his discriminating palate!

Crock, 4/29/10

Usually I’m annoyed by comics that just present two or more characters standing around describing things rather than actually depicting the action. But I have to say that I would much rather see two poorly drawn Legionnaires looking at a white square while standing in a mysterious numbered tube than see a new bride and groom being pelted with bloody chicken viscera in a scene of unimaginable horror, so big thanks to Crock!

Mark Trail, 4/29/10

Cherry has apparently decided that the root cause of the Trails’ terrible sex life is Mark’s terror of sensuality of any sort. Before he can be expected to serve as a satisfying sexual partner to her, he must first start from square one and “work on” himself — possibly while Cherry watches.

Marmaduke, 4/29/10

In I Samuel 18, we learn that the young David, in order to win the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal, had to provide as a bride-price 100 Philistine foreskins. In order to ascend to the dignity of Demon-King of Earth, Marmaduke must prove himself a more gruesome killer than even the Biblical patriarchs.

Mary Worth, 4/29/10

Mary’s thought balloon today begins The Smuggening, which is crucial, as she can only effectively meddle in the lives of others from a place of superiority. “I also grew up poor, and yet my condo unit isn’t cluttered with stacks of boxes! Hmm, how sad that not everyone has my fortitude of character.”

Pluggers, 4/29/10

Pluggers have nowhere in particular to go and nobody to see, so why not show up for appointments 45 minutes early? The nice lady at the doctor’s certainly can’t leave the her desk, so if I say things to her while I’m waiting, she’ll probably have to talk to me!