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Mark Trail, 6/22/20

Just because life is a rich tapestry, the whole Funky Winkerbean plotline where they’re making a movie about material we’ve already seen in earlier comics never fails to send me into an absolute rage, whereas I am very excited about this upcoming Mark Trail plotline, in which some hot-shot movie producers (having communicated with the IP rights holders via a message sent in a manila envelope, like you do) want to make a movie about an adventure Mark had back in 2015 and 2016! You remember this thrilling tale of white nose syndrome and human trafficking, don’t you? It started with Mark talking bat illness with an amiable academic, and then brushed up against some human traffickers out there in the desert, who dynamited them into a cave, where they were trapped for month after month after interminable month, until they managed to swim out. This all has “third act problems,” as they say in the biz, but I’m sure the geniuses at the Hollywood dream factory will smooth it all out, and because Mark isn’t a whiny little pissbaby like Les Moore, instead of lurking around the set fuming with his arms crossed not talking to anybody, he’ll just say “The movie business sure is interesting, Rusty!” and cash his option check.

Crankshaft, 6/22/20

Speaking of Funky Winkerbean, we all know that Funky Winkerbean is ten years in the future from Crankshaft, but the fact that autonomous cars are cruising through residential Ohio neighborhoods in Crankshaft indicates that Crankshaft is several years in the future from us. So the good news is that Mason is trying to put together funding to make Lisa’s Story: The Movie just as the entire movie industry is about to finally collapse because everyone is just watching short homemade porn clips on their phone for entertainment now.

The Phantom, 6/22/20

Sorry that I haven’t been keeping you up to date on The Phantom, and I’m not really going to bother catching you up now, but I do want let you know that a flaming skeleton has been berating our hero for like a whole week now and it’s been glorious.

The Lockhorns, 6/22/20

OH MY GOD THAT MUTANT OPERA SINGER IS AT LEAST 40 FEET TALL

RUN, LEROY AND LORETTA, RUN

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/21/20

Imagine you’re a relatively normal person, who only has as context to assess today’s Funky Winkerbean the last couple days of strips where Les is worried that the actresses being tested for Lisa are too young and sexy. Maybe you even remember that there was an earlier, abortive stab at making this movie, where it was going to be called Lust for Lisa, and Les only agreed to sign on for this version because Mason agreed to tell the story “the right way,” and even then he was dubious. With that as background, your read on the absolutely insane dialogue from the script that we see in today’s strip would probably be that in fact the entire project is clearly going off the rails.

But you’re not a normal person! You’re a dedicated reader of the Comics Curmudgeon, and “once the chemo starts, this playground will be closed for repairs” has been permanently burned into your brain for the last 14 years, ever since the dialogue from today’s strip played out in Les and Lisa’s real, actual life.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/25/06

I’m not really sure why Les felt compelled to change “Summer’s in bed” to “Summer’s at her grandma’s”; I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to have sex when your kid is in the same house as you! But the important thing is that, yes, this dialogue we’re seeing is the story being told the right way. If only we could find an actress who can satisfy Les’s exacting specifications, which I assume are “can say this dialogue without visibly recoiling in disgust.”

Mark Trail, 6/21/20

It really makes Mark, who’s nattering on about larvae and fresh scabs while Cherry grimaces silently at him over her morning coffee, seem like husband of the year, doesn’t it?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/21/20

God damn it, Snuffy Smith, I thought talk of “all these father’s day cards” was setting up the long-awaited big reveal of where Jughaid’s real father has been all this time! But nope, it’s just another joke about the notorious laziness of Hootin’ Holler’s residents.

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Mary Worth, 6/17/20

OK, so here’s what’s happened since we last checked in with Mary Worth: Lyle showed up with Madi, who predictably refused to make eye contact with Saul and just kept staring at her phone, and Saul suggested they all have dinner or something, but Lyle was like, no, sorry, gotta run, Venezuela’s not gonna coup itself! Anyway, I am absolutely loving — loving — Saul’s attempt to do a tough-guy face in panel one here. “Welp, I guess you’re just going to leave your daughter [I assume she’s his daughter? I actually don’t think they’ve made that explicit] with me for three months, after having spent less than five minutes here and made no attempt to ease the process of us getting to know each other or giving me, a man who’s never raised children, any kind of advice on what she’ll need or want, and it sounds like you’re not even going to be calling her while you’re away, but know this, Lyle: I will absolutely hold you to your vague promise to come back and collect your daughter [?], eventually.”

Mark Trail, 6/17/20

Good news, everyone! Andy smelled his way home! Also, did you know that Mark lives immediately next door to a whole different compound? Like my parents in suburban Buffalo have more space between their house and their neighbor’s than Mark does with his, and Mark is a weird hermit who lives in a national forest!

Funky Winkerbean, 6/17/20

More than 15 years ago, in a different, gentler age, this blog was called “I Read The Comics So You Don’t Have To.” And for years afterwards, I still saw that as my mission statement. But now, as the open-heartedness of youth has given way to the sourness of middle age, I have revised my thinking, and can best describe this blog’s mission as “If I Have To Think About The Sex Lives Of Funky Winkerbean Characters, Then So Do You.”