Post Content

Dennis the Menace, 3/3/10

Yes, it’s always fun to find novel ways to mock Mr. Wilson’s weight, Dennis, but with gold currently trading at around $1,150 an ounce, in all likelihood you’d be worth a million bucks yourself! Your little friend there, who’s so badly emaciated and weak that you need to pull him around in a wagon, probably not so much.

If Dennis were to become some kind of gold bug, that would be a new and interesting dimension of menace. Instead of just cracking wise about his tubby neighbors, he could instead “accidentally” hit baseballs through the windows of members of the Federal Reserve Board of Governors, and monopolize classroom time with extended diatribes about the fraudulence of fiat money.

Apartment 3-G, 3/3/10

More evidence that Ari is the worst psychiatrist ever: his identifying some faint reflection of an external light source in Tommy’s dead, emotionless eyes as a “sparkle.” The most one could expect to see there would be a glimmer of relief — in this case, relief because the Professor’s brief, vague recap of his entirely self-inflicted problems has confirmed for Tommie that her policy of not making any sort of effort at personal fulfillment or happiness is for the best.

Lockhorns, 3/3/10

Speaking of dead, emotionless eyes, today’s installment of the Lockhorns is particularly harrowing. It is of course not surprising that one half of this doomed couple would resort to dark voodoo magic to inflict pain on the other; but you’d think that Loretta would at least be experiencing a bit of joy from the prospect of tormenting her husband with the help of poweful spirit beings, or that she’d show guilt or defiance at being discovered in the act. Perhaps she should be sticking a pin into a voodoo doll of herself, since that appears to be the only way she’d be able to feel anything.

Mark Trail, 3/3/10

“Outside the political arena, we are passionate lovers, as this bouquet of red roses indicates! Good day, gentlemen!”

Senator Wallace’s outfit is not dissimilar to that sported by known lothario Mr. Kessler, so this is as good a place as any to note that the fellow has his own Twitter feed now. More proof that Mr. Kessler doesn’t go for teenage girls; if he did, he’d have set up a MySpace account.

Post Content

Apartment 3-G, 2/25/10

Looks like Bobbie’s traded in her formerly subtle dye job for Miss Clairol’s Brassy ’n’ Sassy™! This no doubt heralds the fact that a full-on manic episode is in progress, which can only mean hilarious good times. “Hope you like red, Ari! I’ve painted all the walls and every item in the apartment, including the food!”

Mark Trail, 2/25/10

Boy, this whole sequence has really destroyed my image of Mark as a bastion of righteous honesty, or at least too simple to understand the concept of “lying.” He hasn’t just been blatantly misleading his wife; he’s also wholly misrepresenting what went down with the senator and the Parker Brothers. Sure, we all exaggerate a little when we’re hangin’ with our buddies in some disused hospital office, enjoying some refreshing cans of off-brand energy drink, and maybe on Planet Mark Trail senators getting into physical altercations doesn’t constitute news of any sort. But in general, I don’t call scenes like this “getting into a fight”; I call it “getting your ass handed to you.”

Mary Worth, 2/25/10

Hey, look who’s finally managed to fit an appearance in the strip named after her into her busy schedule! “Dear, I don’t have a lot of time, so let me just utter a single sentence that will destroy everyone’s chances for happiness, in between sips of your mediocre tea.”

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/25/10

This panel will be on the front page of June Morgan’s new fetish Web site. “Is there anything you can do well for Mistress June, slave? No, don’t get up! Keep groveling!”

Marmaduke, 2/25/10

Marmaduke knows that babies are the most delicious.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 2/24/10

Oh, God, this whole conversation between Mark and Cherry is just lousy with lies and omissions. In Mark’s worldview, not only should ladies not engage in fisticuffs, they shouldn’t even hear about them if they can help it, as the shock would almost certainly result an attack of the vapors, and might cause their wombs to wander dangerously about their bodies. And, of course, the idea that Mark has any plans to go anywhere alone with Cherry, let alone on a trip to his beloved wilderness, is as laughable as the idea that Cherry is capable of feeling love, or indeed any emotion other than loneliness and panic.

Of course, it’s possible that I’m wildly misreading all of this, and, as Cherry languorously plays with the phone cord in panel one, she’s actually initiating a little erotic phone talk. One of those rare women who gets off on being cuckolded, she loves to hear Mark talk about when he and his “friends” “preserve” “wilderness areas.”

Gil Thorp, 2/24/10

Speaking of lies, it looks like Gil was able to use his smooth talk to get the local state college to break all of its confidentiality rules and gab about Steve Luhm’s academic status, revealing shocking information that’s not at all at odds with Steve’s explanation of the matter! Look, maybe the guy just really likes janitorial work and doesn’t see the point in taking on more student loans, OK? Certainly in panel two you can really get a sense of how upset he gets when you interrupt him with your jailbait antics while he’s in mid-mop.

Spider-Man, 2/24/10

Dear Spider-Man Newspaper Comic Strip:

When you depict your “hero” sitting around on a park bench, complaining about his own boredom and cowardice, asking pigeons for advice, it makes me think that you might actually be kind of in on the joke, which makes it harder for me to make fun of you. Please step back from the brink of ironic self-parody at once.

Yours,
The Comics Curmudgeon