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Dick Tracy, 8/13/09

OK, when I see “cutting” bandied about as a noun like this, I think immediately about people who self-harm. However, it’s obvious that Dick Tracy lacks the depression, self-doubt, vulnerability, and ability to feel emotional pain of any sort for that to be what he’s proposing; plus, he’s offering the suggestion with an unseemly amount of enthusiasm. Therefore, I can only assume that he’s actually planning to perform an impromptu autopsy on our poor dead trapeze artist, right there on the floor of the Big Top. “The sawdust will easily absorb the blood!”

Oh by the way, Dick, IT WAS THE CLOWN THAT DID IT. THE CLOWN WITH THE SOULFUL, SHIFTY EYES. HE KILLED HER. AND SENT THE NOTE. JUST FYI.

Mark Trail, 8/13/09

It’s now clear that we can’t refer to this gun-toting, orange-clad individual as an assassin, or even as a hit man, but nevertheless I’m beginning to really sort of be in awe of him. You have to respect the years of weapons training it must have taken for him to master the craft of not quite killing people. I wonder if every day he picks up his gun and shakes his head and thinks, “Thank goodness this rifle is in my capable hands. If you didn’t know what you were doing, you could really hurt someone with this!”

Crankshaft, 8/13/09

Since Cranksaft is, as near as I can tell, standing at floor level, I’m not sure whose perspective the first panel is supposed to be drawn from. One of the garden club ladies who drank too much gin and quietly slumped out of her front row seat onto the floor? The cheering throngs gathered in the public square to look up in adulation at their gardener-dictator giving a speech from a balcony, a scenario that frequently plays out in Crankshaft’s mind? Meanwhile, panel three is definitely one of the scariest things I’ve seen this week, and replicating or even approximating it in real life would probably loosen the tongues of everyone from the perps down at central booking to al Qaeda masterminds. “NO, NOT CRANKSHAFT! I’LL TELL YOU THE REAL ANSWER! JUST DON’T LET HIM NEAR ME!”

Ziggy, 8/13/09

If you’re going to be claiming ownership over sentient beings, Ziggy, perhaps you ought not to have acquired so many of them. You can wave paperwork around all you want, but why should you expect them to respect any system of law that perpetuates their enslavement? The grim expressions make it clear that a bloody revolt is in the offing, with each animal using its particular skills in the cause of their collective freedom. You don’t even want to know what that angry little fish is going to do to you.

(Psst! Interested in seeing a piece I did on various computers in various vehicles?)

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Slylock Fox, 8/9/09

Of all the unfairly persecuted victims in Slylock Fox, Count Weirdly is clearly the most unfairly persecuted. Gosh, he’s developed some sort of revolutionary hologram chamber than can create what appears to be real environments out of thin air, and Slylock is complaining that every detail isn’t perfect? What sort of anal-retentive jerk would insist that the world created in such a holochamber should mimic reality as closely as possible, anyway? If you want to see owls with regular claws, you can just go out into the woods. If you want to see owls with webbed feet, though, you’ll need to go pay $125 an hour to enter the Count Weirdly Total Fantasy Experience Capsule™. (FINE PRINT: Count Weirdly Total Fantasy Experience Capsule™ customers will be eaten by alligators.)

Family Circus, 8/9/09

My favorite part of this cartoon is Mommy’s disgruntled look, as she knows that she’ll be responsible for dealing with the aftermath of Daddy’s terrifying tales. “Who’s going to go down to the river and wash all this soiled underwear by hand?” “Not me!”

Mark Trail, 8/9/09

This strip seems like a desperate attempt to make amends for the spike in rabies treatments that resulted from last year’s insane “Sneaky the raccoon is a delightful pet” storyline. “Remember, kids, if you’re concerned about rabies, only allow non-rabid raccoons to live with you in your house! They’ll still hoard all of your shiny objects in a nest in your crawlspace and viciously scratch at your face if you try to take them back, though.”

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 8/9/09

“Yes, Cody, I’ll miss all the ‘rides’ with you. Oh, and the horse too. Once again, Margo’s problems mean enforced celibacy for everyone else!”

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Mary Worth, 8/8/09

I know we were all very disappointed when Delilah fled Charley’s porn palace in terror and left Mary a hopeful note about how she was returning to her emotionally distant husband; it seemed like one of the most prominent storylines since Aldomania was being nipped in the bud. But were we perhaps too hasty? Are we going to get a few entertaining weeks in the life of Lawrence Jonis, philosopher/faith healer? Hopefully! Of course, this promising fountain of hilarity could be cut off prematurely; it appears that our orange t-shirted Jonis devotee has been so moved by the philosopher’s preaching that he’s going to seize Lawrence’s head and eat it, so as to gain immediate access to the amazing knowledge within his Brylcreemed skull.

Mark Trail, 8/9/09

The Man Who Shot Joey Williams sure is an intriguing character, even if he doesn’t merit a name of his own. Despite being a cold-blooded sniper, he’s courtly enough to refer to his recent victim as “Mr. Williams,” even when there’s nobody around to hear his musings. He also seems concerned that perhaps his message about not talking wasn’t entirely clear. Maybe Mr. Williams has lots of people who want to maim him for various reasons, and the shooter worries that he won’t derive the proper meaning from the bullet in his shoulder. “Now, was that a message to stop jawing about the illegal waste dumping, a message to stay away from that drug dealer’s girlfriend, or a message not to go back on my agreement to spy for Russians? Damn it, if only there were some way to tell!”

It’s also possible that the safety-orange-clad assassin is talking about an actual letter of some sort that Joey was sent warning him to keep his mouth shut; if he never received this message, then it really wasn’t fair to shoot him, because how was he supposed to know otherwise? “Damn it, I told our sinister mob boss that we should have sent it registered mail! He’s such a cheapskate that way!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/09

Oh my God, is she going to TAKE WALLY TO HIS OWN GRAVE? Is he going to go down on his knees in front his own tombstone and scream “NOOOOOOOOO” before taking his own life in order to simplify the lives of everyone who’s assumed that he was dead and moved on? Ha ha ha, most hilarious Funky Winkerbean ever!

Marmaduke, 8/8/09

Not satisfied with wreaking his own trail of gore and death across the landscape, Marmaduke has taken to disrupting police investigations so as to make life easier for the other murderers in his damned town.