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Slylock Fox, 8/9/09

Of all the unfairly persecuted victims in Slylock Fox, Count Weirdly is clearly the most unfairly persecuted. Gosh, he’s developed some sort of revolutionary hologram chamber than can create what appears to be real environments out of thin air, and Slylock is complaining that every detail isn’t perfect? What sort of anal-retentive jerk would insist that the world created in such a holochamber should mimic reality as closely as possible, anyway? If you want to see owls with regular claws, you can just go out into the woods. If you want to see owls with webbed feet, though, you’ll need to go pay $125 an hour to enter the Count Weirdly Total Fantasy Experience Capsule™. (FINE PRINT: Count Weirdly Total Fantasy Experience Capsule™ customers will be eaten by alligators.)

Family Circus, 8/9/09

My favorite part of this cartoon is Mommy’s disgruntled look, as she knows that she’ll be responsible for dealing with the aftermath of Daddy’s terrifying tales. “Who’s going to go down to the river and wash all this soiled underwear by hand?” “Not me!”

Mark Trail, 8/9/09

This strip seems like a desperate attempt to make amends for the spike in rabies treatments that resulted from last year’s insane “Sneaky the raccoon is a delightful pet” storyline. “Remember, kids, if you’re concerned about rabies, only allow non-rabid raccoons to live with you in your house! They’ll still hoard all of your shiny objects in a nest in your crawlspace and viciously scratch at your face if you try to take them back, though.”

Panels from Apartment 3-G, 8/9/09

“Yes, Cody, I’ll miss all the ‘rides’ with you. Oh, and the horse too. Once again, Margo’s problems mean enforced celibacy for everyone else!”

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Mary Worth, 8/8/09

I know we were all very disappointed when Delilah fled Charley’s porn palace in terror and left Mary a hopeful note about how she was returning to her emotionally distant husband; it seemed like one of the most prominent storylines since Aldomania was being nipped in the bud. But were we perhaps too hasty? Are we going to get a few entertaining weeks in the life of Lawrence Jonis, philosopher/faith healer? Hopefully! Of course, this promising fountain of hilarity could be cut off prematurely; it appears that our orange t-shirted Jonis devotee has been so moved by the philosopher’s preaching that he’s going to seize Lawrence’s head and eat it, so as to gain immediate access to the amazing knowledge within his Brylcreemed skull.

Mark Trail, 8/9/09

The Man Who Shot Joey Williams sure is an intriguing character, even if he doesn’t merit a name of his own. Despite being a cold-blooded sniper, he’s courtly enough to refer to his recent victim as “Mr. Williams,” even when there’s nobody around to hear his musings. He also seems concerned that perhaps his message about not talking wasn’t entirely clear. Maybe Mr. Williams has lots of people who want to maim him for various reasons, and the shooter worries that he won’t derive the proper meaning from the bullet in his shoulder. “Now, was that a message to stop jawing about the illegal waste dumping, a message to stay away from that drug dealer’s girlfriend, or a message not to go back on my agreement to spy for Russians? Damn it, if only there were some way to tell!”

It’s also possible that the safety-orange-clad assassin is talking about an actual letter of some sort that Joey was sent warning him to keep his mouth shut; if he never received this message, then it really wasn’t fair to shoot him, because how was he supposed to know otherwise? “Damn it, I told our sinister mob boss that we should have sent it registered mail! He’s such a cheapskate that way!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/09

Oh my God, is she going to TAKE WALLY TO HIS OWN GRAVE? Is he going to go down on his knees in front his own tombstone and scream “NOOOOOOOOO” before taking his own life in order to simplify the lives of everyone who’s assumed that he was dead and moved on? Ha ha ha, most hilarious Funky Winkerbean ever!

Marmaduke, 8/8/09

Not satisfied with wreaking his own trail of gore and death across the landscape, Marmaduke has taken to disrupting police investigations so as to make life easier for the other murderers in his damned town.

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Hi and Lois, 8/6/09

Hmm, something has gone very, very wrong in the relationship between Trixie and sunbeam. It used to be that she’d welcome sunbeam through the windows whenever it wanted to come in, and missed it when it was gone. But now she’s actively trying to flee from it, huddling behind a tree in hopes of remaining undetected. Has she realized that sunbeam is a little too persistent? That hanging up heavy curtains is too high price to pay for privacy? Is Chris Hansen going to show up with a camera crew at any moment? “You knew this innocent young girl wanted you to stop coming in through the window, and yet you persisted! Why? Why? Your silence convicts you!”

Crankshaft and B.C., 8/6/09

Well, since I made everyone who may have been avoiding it look at a snake attacking a little dog, I feel obligated to inform you that, against all odds, a pup who can’t weigh more than about ten pounds is going to survive a dose of snake venom that would have felled a full-grown man who has been kept alive for decades longer than his natural lifespan by an unkillable core of pure spite. Don’t take this as evidence that the Winkerverse will cease to be a abattoir of soul-slaughter, though; it’s just that in drama you can get away with doing awful things to people that you could never do to animals, as B.C. seems to have figured out, albeit belatedly.

Mark Trail, 8/6/09

“God, these gangsters have such a terrible grip on me … it’s like they’ve got my nuts locked between their teeth! Sorry for the weird metaphor, sis, but it just popped into my head for some reason.”

Beetle Bailey, 8/6/09

Beetle’s right to be freaked out. Everyone knows it only starts being gay when you can see the other dude’s face.