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Mark Trail, 5/24/08

Wait, sneaking it in? But … but that’s a medicinal puppy!

As usual, there’s so much wrong happening in this Mark Trail storyline denouement that it makes my little brain hurt. First of all, we’ve seen no indication that Mark has done anything about the sinister dognappers other than punch one of them. Despite what a casual reading of this strip may lead you to believe, Mark is not an officer of the law, and his fists are not legally sanctioned punishments for crimes. Are we seriously to believe that the Bonnie and Clyde of pet-stealing, having discovered how darn easy it is make money through from softhearted dog owners through their nefarious machinations, are just going to give it up because of a little chin music from Mark? Surely they’re just going to head over to another town and start anew! The least Mark could have done is liberate their female dog, who is an unwitting accomplice to their crimes and little better than a sex slave.

Then there’s the puppy-concealment going on in panel three. At least Mark isn’t just brazenly walking into a hospital with a bear, as he did during the Buck and Molly storyline, but since we can see clearly that Mark has washboard abs and a relatively form-fitting shirt, surely there will be someone observant enough to notice the squirming, mewling lump on our hero’s abdomen. I also question whether telling a happy, playful puppy in English to be quiet will really be all that effective. Hopefully Mark will be smart enough not to resort to more drastic measures; if you think little Madeline is sad now, wait until Mark shows her the puppy that he accidentally smothered.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/24/08

Herb and Jamaal’s Hip Young Clergyman With An Earring was introduced a while back as an assistant to Rev. Croom, sent by the higher-ups to try to keep church relevant to the youth of today. Today we see that he’s also taken on the role of Christianity’s enforcer, popping out of nowhere whenever some weirdo religion is mentioned. “Hey, you know who’s a wise spiritual leader? Jesus. Now get yourselves to church, you hell-bound hippies.”

Gil Thorp, 5/24/08

Boy, Branden and Elmer sure are looking cozy for two totally-not-at-all-dating BFFs. With the music on the boom box right and the light from the Chinese lanterns low at Maureen’s party, I predict two words (in English) that will end up solving Elmer’s little immigration status problem: shotgun wedding.

Panel from Mary Worth, 5/24/08

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

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Archie, 5/22/08

Oh, Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000! You’ve been doing so well for a while, almost convincing me that you were a biological life form of some sort, until I encountered today’s panel two, in which you demonstrate that you understand neither bipedal locomotion nor three-dimensional space. Don’t let your vacuum tubes overheat in despair, though: if you ever do a strip where Archie is doing some kind of ridiculous vaudeville-style dance, you’re all set.

(Hey, kids, cheer up the AJGLU 3000 by buying a shirt with its picture on it!)

Mark Trail, 5/22/08

Ah, first comes the kicking, and now comes the screaming, or at least the shouting, and of course the punching as well. Mark and Ponytailed Dognapper Guy spend panels two and three delighting us with a veritable ballet of pugilism, with Mark nimbly dodging his antagonist’s punch and then sending the ne’er-do-well artfully flying with a right cross of his own. But still, it’s panel one that really sets the mood here. Look at that big, easy grin on Mark’s face. Is there anything in this world he likes better than punching people in the jaw? He doesn’t really seem to enjoy spending time with his family, so I’m going to say no.

Mary Worth, 5/22/08

If Mary Worth is going to be the apex of some kind of doughy, pasty, late-middle-aged love triangle, I will rescind every mean thing I said about the boring and interminable flashback storyline. Yesterday Jeff was acting all big about Mary’s emotional mission of mercy with some other man, but that was before he found out she was canceling on him for the Bum Boat. You do not break a date with Jeff Corey when the Bum Boat is involved. Drag him back from Vietnam, humiliate his son, whatever, but the Bum Boat is the line that you do not cross.

Hi and Lois, 5/22/08

Get ready for a very special storyline, “Ditto gets rabies,” in next week’s Hi and Lois.

Pluggers, 5/22/08

The advantage of marrying a plugger is that you can be pretty sure that nobody else will try to have sex with your spouse. The downside is that you probably won’t want to either.

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Mark Trail, 5/21/08

Why do we tolerate Mark Trail’s inane dialog and nonsensical plots? For the brief and hilarious outbreaks of violence, of course, and today’s is a doozy. Mark kicking in the petnappers’ door so hard that it bends while apologizing (to the door, apparently) for his entrance not being as dramatic as he intended could be the greatest combination of vigilantism and almost-but-not-quite-idiomatic English since “You won’t be releasing any more birds!” Tomorrow we should could get some important questions answered, such as: Will Mark punch a woman? And are his fists powerful enough to separate a man from his ponytail?

Today’s action is made especially hilarious by Mark’s reedy, pipe-cleaner like legs and tiny feet. It appears that the terrible limb-wasting disease that has already ravaged Rusty is beginning to spread throughout the Trails’ Lost Forest compound.

Ziggy, 5/21/08

Oh, yes, ha ha, it was all very funny when Ziggy got e-mail from his toilet, but today we see that this was only part of a larger crisis in the Ziggyverse. Apparently our hapless gnome-like protagonist is beginning to notice the computerized functionality that lies behind all the seemingly ordinary aspects of his world — and it’s all beginning to go awry. This can only mean one thing: The Matrix has finally come to the top of the Netflix queue over at Ziggy central.

Also, if anyone can tell me why the normally pantsless Ziggy has decided that going to beach would be a good occasion for covering up his nether bits, I’d love to hear it. But if you have a theory as to where his nipples went, you can just keep it yourself.

Judge Parker, 5/21/08

So, Legless Steve spent weeks brooding about possible terrorist threats to his life, only to see them neutralized in about thirty seconds by his feisty, miniskirted legal secretary. Meanwhile, Abbey spent longer than it even bears thinking about harboring suspicions about her neighbors, even engaging in some cut-rate derring-do to spy on them, only to have them found out and apprehended off-screen, by someone else. Judge Parker seems determined to challenge Spider-Man in the Least Satisfying Dramatic Tension Resolution Olympics.

For Better Or For Worse, 5/21/08

No, “incited” isn’t an adorable malapropism. There’s an angry, torch-wielding mob just off-panel. You’re lucky you can’t read, Merrie; it sure wouldn’t be “just another book” to you then.

Beetle Bailey, 5/21/08

Oh, General Halftrack! Your tales of your emotionally crushing marriage are amusing and all, but you and I both know that you’re just hung over. Or possibly still drunk.