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Dustin, 2/29/20

I’ve beat this drum before, but it continues to boggle my mind that Dustin, a strip deliberately dreamed up to poke fun at the foibles of millennials, constantly goes to the well of jokes about its millennial characters’ dating life without ever even mentioning Tinder or other dating apps and instead having them go cruise for love at the local fern bar as if they were characters in Shoe. But I also feel it’s important to note that, once you get past this oddity, you get to the actual theme of these strips, which is that Dustin and Fitch, two of the recurring characters whose life the strip offers up to us to experience, are completely unfuckable, just an utterly dogshit pair of dudes who women reject literally on first sight.

Arctic Circle, 2/29/20

The whole deal with Arctic Circle is that its characters all live in the Arctic, and while I’m not sure what the tone of the strip has been over the full 12 years of its run, I can tell you that today it’s about a group of characters living in an Arctic biome completely collapsing due to climate change. This is of course always pretty grim, but today’s strip, in which it appears that a mountain of beaver corpses has been piled up in a futile attempt to hold back the tide of rising sea levels, is really something else.

Mark Trail, 2/29/20

“Normally we don’t let Rusty interact with other children because his face would frighten them, but these kids have seen all kinds of savage beasts in the forest! They’re tough! Maybe if we keep his mask strapped on tight, he can join them!”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/29/20

HELL YEAH SNUFFY

NO GODS NO MASTERS

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Judge Parker, 2/27/20

How’s Judge Parker Senior’s mayoral campaign going? Well, when he had his surrogates float the idea to the media that he might be thinking about a run, they ran a story on the evening news featuring footage of him being led off to prison in handcuffs, so, not great, it turns out! Still, Sam urges Alan to keep his focus on the people he’s really working for: the prisoners, the ones he met in jail and who helped him understand things about society that he never had before, the ones who he’s going to free by dynamiting the prison walls and turn into an unstoppable army that he’ll use to rule Cavelton with iron fist. Remember how Bane ran Gotham for the last half of The Dark Knight Rises? It’ll be like that.

The Lockhorns, 2/27/20

Wow, never mind the typical gloomy facial expressions on Leroy and Loretta: check out the profoundly intense frown on the face of their poor houseguest. I mean, you don’t expect anyone hanging out with them for any length of time to be happy about it, exactly, but this poor fellow seems to have absorbed the house’s negative energy like a sponge and is probably going to drop dead of a bile overdose at any moment.

Zits, 2/27/20

Zits is not a strip I talk about very often here, but I promise you this: I will always absolutely let you know when it abruptly veers into ass-themed body horror.

Mark Trail, 2/27/20

Wow, you heard it here first, folks: Rusty is going to get red-pilled by reading the unpleasantly ribald comments about Luann on GoComics.com.

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Mark Trail, 2/26/20

Good news, everyone! The internet isn’t just for losers who try to chase social media fame, only to die tragically. You can also learn facts about wildlife and cultures (cultures are the wildlife of people!) around the world. Looks like I don’t have to shut down this blog after all. What a relief! Please do not fatally pursue online fame in my comments.

Gasoline Alley, 2/26/20

Wow, Baleen is really shaking things up here at Corky’s Diner! Letting customers know the operating hours? Using the written word as a medium? What will she think of next???