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Crock, 12/12/07

Today’s Crock has plenty of little run-of-the-mill terrible touches — like, for instance, the word balloon in panel two, clearly drawn for three lines of text, but with only two lines of text actually floating in it. But I’m sort of intrigued by the random pink squiggles in the background of the first panel. I’d like to believe that they’re blood streaks on the wall from the last perky thin saleslady who tried to talk smack about Grossie, but it’s more likely that someone was trying to draw some clothing racks in the background to add a little detail to the scene and then suddenly realized that no, wait, this is Crock, what am I doing.

Luann, 12/12/07

I thought that for sheer irritation, nothing could beat the “Dirk and Brad compete for Toni’s affection via the Christmas food drive” storyline from a couple of years back, but now I can see that the “Brad and Toni sublimate their incomprehensible attraction via the Christmas food drive” is going to come close. Brad’s Neanderthal suggestion that a meeting isn’t a date unless he’s paying will presumably blow up in his face when he cruises to food-gathering victory (thanks to TJ coming through with a bunch of cans of Dinty Moore stew that “fell off the back of a truck”), leaving him to enjoy a meal of lobster (which he will adamantly insist is NOT A DATE) and loneliness.

Mark Trail, 12/12/07

Luke Wilson spotted canoodling with mystery woman!

Luke Wilson, star of such Hollywood pictures as The Royal Tenenbaums and Old School, has been seen around town with a mysterious dark-haired and arch-eyebrowed beauty. The picture below was snapped as they left the Ivy last month:

Now reports are coming in that this lady is married — or was, until her husband’s murder last month. Hollywood is abuzz with the notion that Luke, long known as the “not crazy Wilson brother”, might have something to do with the dastardly deed. Though a mustachioed French-Canadian hillbilly has been jailed for the crime, NOAA weather spokesman Mark Trail insists that the Quebecker is innocent. “You exploited a friend of mine’s fiery temper!” Trail was heard to shout at Wilson at a party at Chateau Marmont.

Family Circus, 12/12/07

I’m not sure what exactly those papers are that Big Daddy Keane is holding in his lap, but they look official, what with the seal on top and everything. Let’s hope they’re the forms for committing Jeffy to that special school far away so that nobody has to listen to his idiotic questions anymore.

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Hi and Lois, 12/7/07

I’m the sort of guy who always looks on the bright side of things. Take, for instance, the bursting of the housing bubble in the United States. Sure, it’s causing a lot of problems for anyone trying to sell their house, as well as those employed in the housing and construction industries — and the associated implosion of the subprime lending market is probably going to destroy the world economy and have us eating old turnips and beans out of a can by 2009 — but, thanks to the recent (in legacy comic strip terms) move to have Lois of Hi and Lois get a job as a realtor, it adds a nice occasional note of contemporary desperation to this otherwise bland and hoary feature. Sure, today it’s gimmicks like apple pie and cash incentives, but surely it won’t be long before Lois has to choose: either she offers her lovely fortysomething body as a “sweetener” to close the deal on an exurban four-bedroom, or she has to decide which of the twins gets to go to college.

Mark Trail, 12/7/07

Hmm, Mark seems to have decided to challenge Rex Morgan for the coveted Dick of the Month Award. He’s finally getting around to finding out whether or not Bull Malone has any surviving kin — not because he gives a rat’s ass about how bereft they are over having just lost a handsome and successful loved one, who, for the record Johnny Malotte obviously killed — but because he’s trying he’s trying to find some other poor sap on whom to hang this cold-blooded murder. Obviously Andy was brought along for his expertise in evidence tampering.

Mark is allowed in Johnny’s holding cell because of the sacred bond of Outdoorsman Advocate-client confidentiality. Mrs. Johnny is there because the schedule for spawning more raven-haired Malotte offspring cannot be altered by any mere legal proceeding. I note also that Johnny has been allowed to keep his suspenders in the clink; perhaps the local authorities hope that he’ll save them the expense of a trial by hanging himself with them.

Mary Worth and Marmaduke, 12/7/07

Good Lord, could Mary get any smugger? Even her fantasies are thick with loathsome self-regard, as she imagines Chester positively vibrating with delight at the sight of the largest, cheapest bag of dog food she could find at the discount supermarket. On the other hand, at least ACME dog food is probably just bland and lacking in nutrients, as opposed to the actively disgusting BARFOO food that Marmaduke’s owner is feeding him. Of course, Mary claims to actually like Chester, whereas I have to imagine that Marmaduke’s owner’s attitude towards his enormous, destructive pet is a toxic mix of hatred and terror.

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Blondie, 12/4/07

Ha ha! Dagwood got distracted by a giant weiner!

No, really. He did. That’s how they spell it on the damn weiner, too.

Curtis, 12/4/07

I haven’t read Cosby’s book, but I share the opinion of copy editing guru Bill Walsh that its title really, really needs a comma between “on” and “people”.

Mark Trail, 12/4/07

Hmm … motive … opportunity … bullet came from his rifle … has anyone considered the possibility that Johnny is, you know, actually guilty? HE HAS A MUSTACHE, PEOPLE! DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM?

Marmaduke, 12/4/07

Marmaduke’s owners are about to find themselves ankle-deep in urine.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/4/07

NNNGGHGGNGNGNNNGGGGH