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Mary Worth, 9/20/07

Well, the slapping seems to be over (for now), but Dawn continues to give Dr. Drew the tongue-lashing of his life (and not in a good way). While Dawn may be the younger of the two ladies vying for Dr. Drew’s affections, this co-ed definitely has an edge over her competitor when it comes to brains: she’s keeping up a blistering stream of accusatory rage while spoiled rich girl Vera is still scratching her chin in total befuddlement. (“Wait … does this girl … know Drew somehow? There’s something fishy going on here … but what?”)

Dawn’s invective is so powerful that she doesn’t even need to waggle her fingers to add quote marks around the key terms. The significance of the quotes around “working” is obvious enough, but I’m a little puzzled about “new girlfriend.” I mean, Vera is Drew’s new girlfriend, right? If only there were some kind of quote-mark expert we could consult to parse the meaning…

Well … now … you don’t have any proof of that, Margo! Jeez, that girl’s totally out of hand.

Mark Trail, 9/20/07

I don’t pretend to understand what exactly this trio of boneheaded duck-lovers is doing in the third panel — building an elaborate system of dikes around Shirley’s nest? Trying to bail out the entire swamp? Nor do I know exactly how we went from “Shirley must be protected from sinister, heartless developers” to “Shirley must be protected from an entirely natural flood that would have washed away her nest whether the mall was under construction or not.” But I do know who’s pulling the strings here. It’s not Shirley herself, as I had guessed earlier, as she’s proven herself to be about as smart as you’d expect an animal with a walnut-sized brain to be. No, take a good look at Mark’s smug bastard of an editor in panel one. He’s realized that the mouth-breathing reading public is eating this duck drama up, and as long as he can drag out the drama, his magazine for outdoorsmen will be flying off of the supermarket racks faster than all the celebrity gossip rags combined. Look for him to give Mark a series of increasingly bizarre and improbable orders to keep the story going. (“OK, I think you should carry the eggs over to the food court. No, not inside the Ruby Tuesdays! Are you insane?”)

Beetle Bailey, 9/20/07

I, uh…

I thought today’s Beetle Bailey was pretty funny.

Ha! They all had to go to the bathroom!

What?

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Mary Worth, 9/18/07

OH SNAP DR. DREW GOT SERVED! That slap is no mere blind lashing out on Dawn’s part; her right fist is cocked in panel one, but she’s clearly chosen to go for the open hand to maximize the humiliation factor. She neutralized Vera in panel one with a quick pinch to the jugular, so clearly she’s a woman who’s in total control of her hands in a situation like this.

This is clearly the most exciting Mary Worth since Aldo plummeted to his death, and keep in mind that it’s only Tuesday. Things in Santa Royale always escalate over the course of the week, so by Saturday we’ll have achieved near-stratospheric heights of either wanton violence or emotional despair.

Apartment 3-G, 9/18/07

I have the uneasy feeling that this new A3G subplot is taking place in a weird parallel universe, where there’s been some effort put into establishing Ruby’s character and showing that Professor Smooth Operator has been eyeing her from afar for some time. Maybe all those deleted scenes will be on the unrated special edition DVD. As it is, all we can really hope for is an outraged Gina spotting Aristotle two-timing her and making with the slap attack.

Gil Thorp, 9/18/07

Wow, Marty Moon appears to be about ready to fall asleep in mid-sentence in panel three. He can’t stay awake for even a single quarter of Mudlark gridiron action! In his defense, Gil Thorp football is really confusing and boring, and he’s probably pretty drunk.

Mark Trail, 9/18/07

“Yes, maybe we’re in luck! Of course, it will also come out that we spent millions in bribes to get permits to allow us to build an enormous mall so close to a flood-prone lake that even a few inches of rain will put the Banana Republic under a foot of water. The press will also probably get wind of the fact that the development company’s CEO and chief counsel are chalk-white undead zombies. But at least this damn duck situation will be taken care of!”

Pluggers, 9/18/07

I don’t have the spiritual strength to go hunting through the archives, but I’m pretty sure that this Plugger panel, in which a polka-dotted boxer-short-clad Rhino-Man clutches his massive gut and peeks at the scale with trepidation, has been used before. Of course, given how many Pluggers jokes boil down to “Pluggers are fat”, they could probably run it once a week or so.

Dennis the Menace, 9/18/07

Wait, did Dennis dress up in a quasi-Hawaiian garb just so he could deliver this fun fact about the word “aloha” to Mr. Wilson in style? Here’s a hint, kid: Themed costume + fascinating trivia item = levels of menace so low as to be undetectable by even the most powerful scientific instruments.

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Momma, 9/13/07

OK, Momma, you’ve finally succeeded in convincing me of one of your central theses: that I would not, in fact, want to have Francis as a son. This is not because of the litany of abuse heaped upon him in roughly half of the feature’s strips; rather, it’s because the boy has no filter whatsoever on his sexual ruminations. You might remember that Francis likes to look at Internet porn with his mother in the same room. Today, in panel three, the smart thing to say would have clearly been, “Ah, I’ve also heard nice things about this young woman! Yes, I’d love for you to arrange a date for us.” Then there could be at least a few hot and heavy interludes without Momma’s constant, suffocating interference. Instead, he leapt up into the air and shouted “Woo-hoo! If Freda’s reputation is correct, I’ll soon be having consequence- and commitment-free sex with her, possibly in a kinky fashion!” (or, in bowdlerized Momma-speak, “Yes!! I will! I hear she’s a real swinger!”). Warning to overbearing mothers everywhere: this is what happens when you don’t allow proper boundaries to be established between you and your children. They just say this stuff right in front of you.

Judge Parker, 9/13/07

“Knock it off … I’m not in the mood!” Don’t feel bad, Trudi: this isn’t the first time Sam’s said those very words when faced with boobs like those.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 9/13/07

Here’s my suggestion for a sponge-bath-based TDIET:

Alf Ragweed’s images of nursing care have been heavily influenced by pornographic movies…

(In his thought balloon: “Hello Mr. Ragweed … I need to clean you up … I hear you’re so dirty … are there any particular parts you want me to focus on? Mmmmm … oh yeah …”)

But when he actually needs a sponge bath in a real hospital, how does it go? Need I tell you, dear reader?

(“All right, turn over, and — AWK-K-K-K! What the hell is this? Honestly, I’m not paid enough to deal with you … do you think wiping your crusty ass is a turn-on for me? … and it’s so small … wait till I tell the other nurses on the floor … etc., etc.”)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/13/07

“Yes, I expect that’s a reunion Hugh isn’t looking forward to! Also, from panel two on, I’ll be played by Oscar-winner Billy Bob Thornton!”

Mark Trail, 9/13/07

Holy crap, is Homer going to start sitting on the duck eggs himself? O great Lord of Comics, we are not worthy of such joys.