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Mark Trail, 2/13/19

Well, it’s finally happening: newspaper revenues are plummeting so much that they’re resorting to desperate measures. Starting this month, every comic strip in the paper is going to have to dedicate at least three strips a month to having the main characters grinning and saying how much they love comic strips, and implying that talking to other people about comic strips is a great way to pique their interest in you, sexually.

Mary Worth, 2/13/19

Boy, Toby’s been worried about the state of her marriage, but it turns out that all that happened was that Ian became so sexually obsessed with a student who had only shown passing interest in him that he couldn’t figure out what kind of grade to give her even though she had failed to do any of her classwork! I bet Toby feels pretty silly, now.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/13/19

“Ha ha, get it? It’s funny because he doesn’t remember words any more, because of the brain damage! It’s OK to laugh — he’s not following any of this! His brain is pudding, and someday soon mine will be too!”

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Mark Trail, 2/11/19

You know, I’ve always assumed that the reason Woods and Wildlife Magazine stays in business and even maintains its posh Manhattan editorial offices in today’s brutal media environment is that Mark continues to deliver absolutely gripping tales of adventure that readers simply can’t get in any other outlet. But today we learn that Mark just concluded a harrowing week where his own son was almost kidnapped by a ruthless Mexican criminal gang and he plans on coming back home and filing a story about … lidar, which is like radar but with lasers! This is just like the time he spent months trapped in a cave after that same criminal gang tried to kill him and then dutifully wrote about how all the bats are dying or whatever, which at least has dead bats as a hook. Come on, Mark, you gotta give the people some razzle dazzle if you want to go viral!

Gil Thorp, 2/11/19

Good news! After finally confessing to Gil that he was only relentlessly quoting That ’70s Show at everyone because he had a serious mental illness, Mike Filion finally made a vague promise to go see a therapist or something … and is now unstoppable on the basketball court! Look out, Valley Conference: the Mudlarks have discovered the secret to high school athletic success, and it is emotional self-actualization. Tilden’s gonna have to pull in a whole team of Freudian analysts if they want to have any hope of getting through the playdowns!

Slylock Fox, 2/11/19

It probably doesn’t speak well of the post-animapocalypse legal system that Slylock, the chief investigator in this case, also appears to be the prosecuting attorney — or that he’s just turned the trial into a showcase for his fun riddles and trivia facts. Of course, since none of the criminals Slylock catches ever seem to serve much jail time, you can understand that the stakes are pretty low, which is made pretty clear by the fact that Shady is enjoying this whole scene as much as anyone. “Oh, the sun is a star!” he thinks to himself. “That is clever!”

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Mary Worth, 2/8/19

Oh, wow, looks like we’re finally learning the real message of this storyline. Jannie had her chance with Michael, but instead wasted her most reproductively fit years in a dangerous game of psychosexual manipulation with her older professor. That whole thing blew up in her face, so now she’s come running back to her handsome age-appropriate classmate, only to find out that in the intervening … what, like, a week, maybe? two weeks? … he’s formed a stable pair-bond and is off the market. The lesson is to nail down that MRS degree as soon as you can, ladies! You don’t want to get to graduation only to realize you’re doomed to be an old maid!

Mark Trail, 2/8/19

I’m pretty sure a clear sign a tween is blowing you off is when they ask to “trade email addresses,” since nobody born after 1999 has ever sent an email address in their life. Mara is about to change phone numbers and set her Instagram to private, while Rusty has several forlorn weeks of watching emails bounce back from mara_totally_real_address@hotmail.biz bounce back to him.