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Hi and Lois, 8/31/18

I am living for the disappointed looks on the faces of Hi and Other Friend Of Thirsty And Possibly Hi in panel two here! While both of these gentlemen wouldn’t have dreamed of trying to horn in on their wives’ bonding time with their female friends, they had always been jealous of their book clubs, and when they got Thirsty’s unexpected invite, they were thrilled: an intellectual salon, a meeting of the minds that would deepen their male bonds! But no, it’s just another opportunity to do low-level crimes, and lose money to boot. Maybe the two of them should start their own book club. It’s not too late, fellas! Overcome that masculine reserve and live your literary dreams!

Mark Trail, 8/31/18

Some of you have wondered: in these difficult times for journalism, how can Woods and Wildlife Magazine possibly keep up its expensive longform niche journalism, paying for long trips overseas for its writers (along with their outrageous travel insurance premiums) and still making rent on its posh Manhattan offices even as advertising rates plummet? Well, the answer is that while Americans may be spending their days endlessly noodling around on social media, consumers in the Latin American market still hunger for fascinating stories about our natural world (World War I era airplanes count as part of the natural world if they fall into a sinkhole).

Family Circus, 8/31/18

Finally, I’ve acknowledged to myself that making a joke about the Keane Kids as part of a horrifying, incestous planned breeding program to create some kind of genetically pure “holy race” is both distasteful and also doesn’t have much support in the comic itself. Now to take a big sip of coffee and read today’s Family Circus!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/31/18

Ha ha, if an absolutely furious old man is screaming abuse at people in the form of unfunny wordplay, it must be Funky Winkerbean!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/30/18

Several different uninteresting storylines featuring uninteresting sets of characters intersected at Buck and Mindy’s Vegas wedding, and so the big question after that was: what boring nonsense was going to come up on the bland Rex Morgan, M.D., slot machine after everybody parted ways? The “winners” turn out to be the Hanks, making their way across America one dumb roadside attraction at a time — except Hank Sr. has decided he’s going to go back to Millie’s diner and win back her heart. But now nobody is answering the phone at the diner!!!! Will our heroes stumble into a robbery or a fire or some similarly dramatic situation??? Or will it just be that things were really slammed and nobody picked up the phone, yes, that’s the more likely alternative, the much, much less exciting thing, that’s the one that’s happening.

Mark Trail, 8/30/18

Oh, it appears Mark’s reputation has preceded him here south of the border, down Mexico way, and what does that reputation consist of? Well, we know he hates evil-doers. We know he particularly hates those evil-doers who illicitly traffic in the cultural heritage of the indigenous peoples of the Americas. And we know that when he gets angry, vehicles explode. Jo(s)e’s precious classic car … ice cream truck … thing is not long for this world, is what I’m saying!

Dennis the Menace, 8/30/18

You’ve taken your five-year-old to a live performance fancy enough to require a jacket and tie … and he announces his intention to peacefully and quietly sleep through it, allowing all the other theater-goers, who appear to universally be adults, to enjoy the show? That is literally the least menacing possible scenario here

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Mary Worth, 8/29/18

Oh, man, this Mary Worth, plot is getting really great right away, and having written that I realize it sounds sarcastic but I promise that it is not. What do you think it is that makes Mr. Wynter so unlikeable? Is he just a lonely, emotionally needy old man who will latch onto anyone who makes eye contact and drain them of energy with endless boring conversation? Is he a gross pervy weirdo who makes everyone, but especially members of the Charterstone early-middle-aged trophy wife set that comprises Toby’s peer group, profoundly uncomfortable? We also can’t discount the possibility that “Mr. Wynter” is the dog’s name, and he’s just really bitey.

Judger Parker, 8/29/18

Oh, right, I haven’t been keeping you up with Judge Parker, like, at all, but basically the CIA tracked down April and her father to their safe house not particularly safe cabin out in the woods, and he’s decided to sacrifice himself for her, going down in a hail of bullets while April escapes. And now she’s going to keep running, keep running until there’s no one left to chase her … or, as she appears to be doing in panel two, keep ambling, just keep just kind of gently jogging away from the dozens of trained assassins who want her dead until they lose interest, I guess.

Mark Trail, 8/29/18

Hey, remember when Rusty thought there was an ancient Aztec temple called Chicken Itza? Remember when Rusty almost got killed by a tree? Remember when Rusty got stuck under a car? I wouldn’t worry about how smart these kids are, is what I’m saying.

Pluggers, 8/29/18

It’s not clear what terrifies pluggers more: emotional intimacy or any reminder of their own mortality.