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Marmaduke, 2/2/08

In the aftermath of the assassination of Julius Caesar, the great orator Cicero became the most important figure in the Roman Senate; after a brief period of political truce, he began a series of increasingly bitter public speeches against Marc Antony, Caesar’s political heir. While these speeches — the so-called Philippics — are regarded as masterpieces of oratory, they also goaded Antony so much that the fragile political peace that held in Rome collapsed; in the ensuing brief but nasty civil war, Cicero was captured and killed by one of Antony’s soldiers. His severed head and hands were displayed in the Roman forum, but legend has it that first Antony’s wife Fulvia berated his head and pricked his tongue with needles as revenge against the invective he had hurled against her husband.

This is a roundabout way of wondering why the hell we can see Marmaduke’s owner’s legs under the table but not Marmaduke’s. My guess is that the family has finally risen up against the tyrannical monster that has ruled their life for so long, and that the matriarch can now say everything she ever wanted to say while he was alive to his enormous, lifeless, detached skull.

Shoe, 2/2/08

I’m guessing Skyler is less than keen to hear about the young, vigorous body you once had, Perfesser. In fact, seeing as I’ve always pegged him as being somewhere in the 10 to 13 range, he probably is less than keen to get bedtime stories from you at all. However old he is, it’s good to see in panel three that he’s already mastered that heavy lidded, life-has-crushed me look that his uncle presents so regularly.

Since we only hear the beginning of this story, the mystery of what happened to Cosmo’s 28-inch waist will probably remain ever mysterious; I wonder if his reluctance to get out of his chair and actually walk to the child’s bedside to read his bedtime story is contributing factor to the loss of his slender middle or a result of the same.

Wizard of Id, 2/2/08

Earlier this week, the Wizard of Id did a particularly egregious variation on its long-running “torture is hilarious” theme, but for some reason I found that less troubling than this strip, in which it’s posited that the best way to end poverty is to physically assault poor people. We can see the unconscious (or possibly lifeless) body of the medieval hobo in the background of panel three, so obviously our brave hero hasn’t taken things to the logical conclusion and eaten him.

Luann, 2/2/08

Well, sure, dad, but you could be terrified and then crushed, which could cause permanent paralysis. Honestly, this is basic first aid that Brad should have learned in his fireman’s training.

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Judge Parker, 1/26/08

So the big interview with No-Legged War Hero Mama’s Boy Works-For-Nothing Steve is over, and it’s becoming more and more obvious that Gloria likes what she sees! Likes it so much, in fact, that she’s got to close her eyes in the final panel, because if she has to look at that hot hunk of filial piety for even one more minute, she can’t be held responsible for her actions.

I do think it’s kind of curious that, since one of Steve’s major characteristics is that he lost his legs in Iraq, we’ve never actually gotten a good look at his prosthetics. Not that we should let his disability and define him and I’m sure most people with artificial legs actually wear pants that cover them up, but it almost seems that the artist has gone out of his way to arrange the panel composition such that his legs are just out of view. Could this be one of the problems of a comics strip that’s a collaboration between an artist and a writer — could the artist have gotten the scripts and cried “Argh! Prosthetic limbs! My greatest weakness!”

Popeye, 1/26/08

Popeye is in the midst of some completely uninteresting plot about Sweet Pea’s allowance, but I have to pose this question to those readers who are part of the nautical division of the Jungle Patrol: What the hell does “typical fat-armed sailor” mean? I always assumed that Popeye’s bizarre physique was a result of artistic whimsy and/or steroid abuse, but are we to understand that his pencil-thin biceps and unnaturally bulging forearms are somehow representative of his profession — and are also somehow related to the cheapness endemic to seamen? I’m obviously way behind on my sailor stereotyping.

Dick Tracy, 1/26/08

In our upcoming storyline, Dick Tracy will drop any pretense about being a frank cheerleader for fascism as Dick is ordered to go break up a local showing of “degenerate art.”

Marmaduke, 1/26/08

For “lost,” read “ate,” obviously.

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Apartment 3-G, 1/22/08

I swear I’m not obsessed with the sex life of the Apartment 3-G girls. If anything, I’m obsessed with how any feature that’s about three single young women in New York City can be marked by such a stunning lack of sex, which, I’ll try gamely to argue, isn’t quite the same thing. Anyhoo, I’m always open for any hint that I might be wrong, and we’re getting some hints today. Note that Lu Ann isn’t responding to Tommie coming home in the morning with “OH MY GOD TOMMIE WHERE WERE YOU WERE YOU KIDNAPPED??” but “Huh, you’re not wearing the same clothes you left the house in last night, plus I don’t see any hickeys.” So, while Tommie didn’t get lucky last night (obviously, ’cause she’s Tommie), the idea isn’t completely out of the question for even goody-goody Lu Ann.

It’s also possible that goody-goody Lu Ann thinks that Tommie and Gary engaged in some “Naughty Nurse”-style role play after their date, and is goody-goody enough that even this extremely mild kink would drive her to two question marks’ worth of shock.

I can’t really remember — is Dr. Kelly another bland lookalike vying half-heartedly for Tommie’s affection? It’s nice to be wanted and all, but I have to imagine that forcing a lady to leave in the middle of a date just so she can sew together New Years Eve drunks with you rates pretty high on the old Actionable-Sexual-Harrasment-O-Meter.

Mary Worth, 1/22/08

Panel two proves that the absence of ESP is in fact an evolutionary advantage: if your potential partners could hear what you were thinking in the moments leading up to sex, nobody would ever reproduce. I’m not sure if Drew is supposed to be adjusting his nonexistent bow tie or if he’s just relishing the thought so intently that he’s unbuttoning his shirt right there in the local cafe.

Marmaduke, 1/22/08

A roving pack of semi-feral dogs has eaten fourteen elderly residents of the neighborhood so far, luring them to deserted parks with promises of companionship and pizza. Authorities urge citizens to stay indoors until the National Guard can defeat the savage canines.