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Beetle Bailey, 12/20/12

I’m not sure which explanation for this cartoon is sadder: that the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC creative team couldn’t be bothered to do 30 seconds of Google Image Searching to find out what a stealth fighter actually looks like, or that they think that they’re the first to come up with the idea of a plane with a “special skin that eludes radar detection” and ran off to the patent office immediately after sending this strip to the syndicate.

Marvin, 12/20/12

Oh look, Marvin has decided to join Crankshaft on the ha ha Santa is on the Facebook now get it because the Facebook is popular and it’s Christmas bandwagon! Having read this strip, I now feel that I have to give Crankshaft some credit, as it managed to put together its punchline without actually betraying a complete ignorance of how Facebook actually works.

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Marvin, 12/17/11

I have to admit that I’ve always been a little intrigued by the fact that dogs have amazing intraspecies size variations, and I’ve always kind of wondered what this means for their sex lives. I don’t really like being forced to confront the notion visually in the comics, though. Given the extent to which Junior’s new love interest towers over him, her studded leather collar and the black hearts floating over her head seem disturbingly significant.

Mark Trail, 12/17/11

Ha ha, Kelly, Honey the bear took you to the Parents McQueens’ underground bear-sex lair! This will make a good story for some magazine, though perhaps not the one Kelly intended to sell it to. She can explain what “gold mining” is a euphemism for.

Phantom, 12/17/11

Meanwhile, the Phantom is sending Ernesto’s wife into an epistemological crisis. “Believe nothing? Not even the evidence of my own senses?”

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Marmaduke, 12/9/11

I don’t think the Marmaduke creative team has ever seen a vegetarian before, or at least they haven’t bothered to come up with some kind of visual shorthand to differentiate vegetarians from one of the run-of-the-mill miscellaneous middle-aged humans flummoxed by Marmaduke. Marmaduke’s mind is boggling anyway, presumably at the concept that any living being can feed without something dying in agony.

Apartment 3-G, 12/9/11

“It’s just that … Paul’s a creepy, controlling weirdo, and he deserves a passive, empty-headed wife who will do whatever he says and not be unsettled by his demands. I thought I could be that wife! But it turns out that sometimes I have opinions.”

Marvin, 12/9/11

Oh, man, cat, you do not want to get into a shitting contest with Marvin. You’re going to regret the day you ever learned to poop in a box, my friend.