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Apartment 3-G, 3/13/09

Margo is far too classy to wear a lavender track suit to lunch at the Plaza, despite her other incomprehensible fashion crimes — like, say, wearing a lavender track suit while not having lunch at the Plaza.

Marvin, 3/13/09

The urine and feces produced by Marvin and his family pets will continue to be the source of jokes in this feature until eventually you beg for the return of Belly Laffs.

Pluggers, 3/13/09

OK, PLUGGERS, WE GET IT! YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY POOPING! GEEZ LOUISE!

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Mark Trail, 3/11/09

With each passing day, it becomes harder for me to imagine going back to my vision of Mark Trail as a lovable idiot savant who loves nature and punching smugglers; now he will forever be known as an abuse enabler, ready to stoke the fires of domestic violence hell for women who dare to enter their husbands’ field of vision when he’s having business troubles, just has he’s literally stoking the fires in his fireplace in panel two. I’m sure looking forward to seeing that magazine story, the thesis of which will be “Ladies! If you’re thinking about keeping a wild animal as a pet, get some advice, or you’re gonna get beat up!” Hopefully it will be published in Cosmo, the better to reach its target audience of women, rather than in Mark’s usual wildlife magazine, which is read by nobody.

The only faint glimmer of hope is that Ken and Patty are apparently going to adopt their baby — or rather, will apply to adopt a baby, and will be immediately turned down by the adoption agency when the terrifying dynamic of their relationship becomes obvious about thirty seconds into the home visit. I mean, that’s what’s going to happen, right? RIGHT? Oh, who am I kidding — this is Lost Forest! Probably the social worker will show up, note that Ken doesn’t have facial hair, check the medicine cabinet to make sure supplies of razors and shaving cream are adequate, and then hand over a squalling infant on the spot.

Marvin, 3/11/09

Normally, a couple lying in bed making comments like these about their privacy would be hinting not so subtly that they’re too self-conscious about having the relations within earshot of old people. However, these are Marvin’s parents; we know for certain that, once they saw the product of their coupling, they vowed to never, ever even think about having sex again.

Marmaduke, 3/11/09

Oh, you’ll be plenty warm … IN MARMADUKE’S STOMACH! Because he likes to eat people, you see.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/10/09

OK, I’m sure I’m going to get all sorts of comments and emails from doctors and other medical personnel (and from the developers of medical-themed Web sites) about how the Internet is going to revolutionize medicine and replace those huge, hard-to-read medical textbooks and not every doctor holds all information about all diseases in his head at all times and blah blah blah, but … I find panel two, in which Rex makes his serious face and declares that he’ll be solving this medical crisis with the help of the Internet, to be kind of funny. I guess I mostly associate the intersection of the Web and medical diagnoses with people posting things like “how can u tell if u have siphalis?” to Yahoo! Answers and/or hypochondriacs spending ten minutes with WebMD and coming away convinced their sore throat is esophageal cancer. I’m all the more skeptical because the weaselly little ship’s doctor is blatantly coming down with Norwalk himself right before our eyes, while all Rex can do is stand around and look concerned in a manly way while he reaches for any excuse to get down to the ship’s computer lab and start his intensive search for barely legal Ukrainian soldier-boy porn.

Marvin, 3/10/09

“Oh, excellent! I’ve just constructed a delightful little joke that based on two complementary concepts, ‘work’ and ‘play’! Except … it’s possible that the rubes who read this strip won’t pick up on my subtle wordplay. How can I make things a bit more obvious? I know … now, where did I put that bold font?”

Family Circus, 3/10/09

Berating your baby brother is all good fun, Jeffy, but you’d better watch yourself: it looks like PJ’s time as the only member of the Keane Klan who doesn’t know how to punch you in the face is about to end just … about … now.

Apartment 3-G, 3/10/09

OMG MOMENTOUS MOMENT! Margo’s father finally appears in the strip! And he looks … uh … pretty much like every other dude who has appeared in Apartment 3-G, ever. Huh. Whee.