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Gil Thorp, 5/6/20

Finally, the engine of this baseball season plot has been revealed: Mike “The Mayor”‘s wacky on-the-go-meal lifestyle has fallen afoul of Milford High’s dumb zero-tolerance-on-“weapons” policy. The hard lesson: kids either need to get up early enough to enjoy a leisurely balanced breakfast at home, or only eat nutrient-units small enough to hold in one hand and soft enough that they don’t need to be cut or, ideally, chewed.

Arctic Circle, 5/6/20

The funny pages are reacting to the worldwide coronavirus pandemic in all sorts of crazy ways, but I definitely did not see “jokes about penguin Zoom sex” coming.

Crock, 5/6/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because … Captain Preppie wants the men under his command to be outfitted with uniforms well suited for the climate?

Funky Winkerbean, 5/6/20

Yes, panel three, right there: this is exactly the amount of revulsion and contempt you should feel when Les Moore leans towards you and attempt to make physical contact.

Marvin, 5/6/20

Toddlers who are too young to be potty trained speaking in complete sentences and being capable of adult-level cognition: totally normal, not even worth remarking on

Newborn infants capable of same: OH MY GOD SO WACKY A SUREFIRE PUNCHLINE BABY

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Mark Trail, 3/4/20

Oh, huh, it turns out that Rusty hasn’t been kept away from the Forest Explorers for their protection, but for his, because they’re “bad kids” who are being taught a lesson by taking them out into nature and “get[ting] them involved.” Involved … in … something? Forest crimes, maybe? Is Geoff a modern-day Fagin, running a gang of backwoods child criminals? If so, we have to wonder if Rusty will narc them out to Mark or if, his mind and morals softened up by the cyberbullying filth of the comics pages, he decides to join them in their sinister schemes.

Marvin, 3/4/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Jeff finds his own son unbearable, and now uses the child’s worst qualities as tools of revenge on a world he despises!

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Family Circus, 2/1/20

No, it isn’t.

Marvin, 2/1/20

…yes?

Crankshaft, 2/1/20

Good news, everyone: Crankshaft died horribly!