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Marvin, 6/25/18

Like most world famous comics bloggers, I usually turn to the virtual funny pages every morning, scan the strips, and think to myself, “Is this one about me?” I mean, sometimes it’s obvious, but other times it’s a little unclear, like today! Because, on the one hand, sure, I’m on the record as hating on Marvin constantly, without even a tiny leavening modicum or grudging respect, and I’m one of the last bloggers alive, since everyone else quit years ago and moved on to [checks notes] creating content for “Instagram stories” or whatever. But on the other, the Marvin creative team may not be that current with developments in online publishing (the tell is the use of the clunky phrase “blog writer”) and it is long-established strip canon that Bitsy is a blogger (sorry, “blog writer”), so maybe I’m not personally being insulted. It’s also long-established strip canon that Marvin and Bitsy hate each other! Just like every character hates ever other character. It’s really just mutual loathing all the way down! It’s funny how we don’t talk about that so much, which I guess is because all the shitting is even worse.

Mary Worth, 6/25/18

Ha ha, Tommy’s in love after one date, everyone! This is definitely an emotionally healthy development that isn’t related to his addictive personality, at all. I’m pretty proud of him for lulling his mom into a sense of complacency by starting slow but then gradually ramping up over the course of the sentence so that everything seems really chill and relaxed about this falling in love thing. Surely he wanted to blurt it out immediately, and was going cross-eyed at the effort of holding it in.

Spider-Man, 6/25/18

Ahh, Dr. Christine Palmer, the [Googles because it’s being boldface-yelled at us like we’re supposed to recognize it] beloved Marvel character who is Doctor Strange’s colleague and occasional girlfriend, and who is played in the movies by [squints at the marvel cinematic universe dot wikia dot com article and then at panel two here] … Rachel McAdams? That seems … not right.

Hi and Lois, 6/25/18

Ha ha, it’s funny because the twins don’t want to go to summer camp but Lois doesn’t want them around so they’re going to summer camp, and the twins know that’s why they’re going to summer camp, and they resent it! That’s … literally the joke of this strip, I think?

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/17/18

Aww, isn’t that sweet? Jughaid is honoring his Uncle Snuffy on Fathers Day, even grouping him in with the “paws,” and saying nothing of his own biological father. What terrible circumstance has led him to being raised by his second-order kin rather than his parents? Did his father die in an ongoing feud with another clan — perhaps die shamefully, so his name is never spoken? Or was the boy himself captured as an infant in a raid for chickens and other movable goods in a neighboring holler, with “uncle” just a convenient term for non-parent guardian applied to the family that took him in? This is surely one of the more intriguing instances of nephewism in the daily comics.

Marvin, 6/17/18

This right here is probably Marvin: Origins. I’m not talking about the origin of Marvin the character; that happened when Jeff and Jenny managed to briefly overcome their mutual resentment and irritation and have sex with one another. No, I’m talking about the origin of the strip itself, which probably came about when someone was waiting in line for the bathroom and thought “Wouldn’t it be great if I could just shit my pants? And if that was somebody else’s problem? Ugh, God, babies have it so easy!”

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Blondie, 6/2/18

Ha ha, women, am I right? Always forcing you to help maintain your household instead of interacting with your friends because they’re petty tyrants who don’t love you, am I right???

Hi and Lois, 6/2/18

You could interact with your friends but if you do your wife won’t feed you and there’s no way you or your friends could feed yourselves because you’re men!!!!! Women, right fellas??????

Marvin, 6/2/18

Ha ha, women!!!! Forcing you to do your chores but then also working their way through their own chores like a dead-eyed zombie!!! It’s like, make your your mind, lady!!! Adult life truly is a hell!!!!!!!!