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Mary Worth, 6/28/22

Has there ever, going all the way back to the ancient Egyptians, been a more perfect match between visual and narrative art as today’s Mary Worth? I’ve studied the subject and feel confident in saying that no, there hasn’t. The image of Dawn loping away from Jared in panel two is absolutely perfect, and the way her legs and arms are positioned lets you know exactly how mismatched her defiant words and her absurd running style must be as Jared watches her flee. Her muted bluish color palette and slip-on shoes somehow just add to her humiliation, for me. But then, how can things get more humiliating for you than having Jared of all people yell “We were friends before … we can be friends again!” at you in a public place where other people can hear it? Well, it’s only Tuesday, so there’s a pretty good chance we’re going to find out.

Sally Forth, 6/28/22

I regret to inform you that Sally and Ted never did get to swing with their hot new neighbor, because it turns out he was just buying the house next door to rent out to people who presumably don’t want anything to do with the Forths either erotically or socially. However, that doesn’t mean Ted won’t get to be sexually humiliated this summer, although finding out that your widowed mother has a new zaddy boyfriend with Celtic tattoos activates a very different kind of kink.

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Beetle Bailey, 6/25/22

What really makes this strip for me is how mad General Halftrack looks. Sure, he’s off golfing while his soldiers are enduring physical training to prepare them for combat, but at least he’s not enjoying himself!

Blondie, 6/25/22

I’m reaching an age when you start getting self-reflective, start asking yourself questions about what have you done with your one wild and precious life, and what do you plan on doing with it in the future. It turns out I’ve spent a surprising amount of time contemplating the Bumsteads’ bathroom situation. I’m not using that phrase as a euphemism — this isn’t Marvin, after all — but rather wondering about the actual, physical bathrooms in their palatial suburban home. You know, how many bathrooms they have, what floors they’re on, that sort of thing. Then, of course, there’s the question of why Dagwood only takes baths, never showers, which I guess may be getting more intimate than architectural. In that sense, today may be a big day for him. Is he finally going to try out this “shower” business everyone raves about? Or is he just going to have Herb hose him down every day for the next decade until he’s sure he wants to make the big shift? Anyway, I wish I could tell you that I will no longer be putting my energy into these sort of ruminations, but we all know that would be a lie.

Mary Worth, 6/25/22

A decade ago, Dawn got dumped by a previously unseen boyfriend named “Dave” and went into a hilarious weeks-long emotional tailspin, spending hours on the couch numbly watching Game of Thrones and mubling to herself in an attempt to ease the pain. It’s nice to see that in the indeterminate amount of in-universe time since, she’s really changed her whole attitude about relationships in a healthy way: now she only dates real drips, so that when they inevitably dump her, instead of getting depressed she just gets furious.

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Mary Worth, 6/24/22

Wow. Wow. You’re telling me that Jared has a friend? A non-Dawn friend named TJ? And TJ also likes to party down at “ROCK IT,” Santa Royale’s hottest club? I feel like Mary Worth is just teasing us here with all the narrative beats that we’ve been denied: Jared and his friend TJ hanging out and being almost certainly very annoying; the big reveal of what one of Jared’s friends would wear to the club; TJ spotting Dawn from across the crowded dance floor and recognition flashing in his eyes; and TJ telling Jared what he saw and Jared suddenly realizing that he could retrofit this into motivation for what he already wanted to do so he can keep his “nice guy” self-image intact. I can’t believe I’m begging for more details of a Jared storyline, but I need more details from this Jared storyline!

Funky Winkerbean, 6/24/22

What’s weirder here: That Funky Winkerbean will freely say “Amazon” in a strip but thinks that “Target” is as forbidden as “McDonald’s”? Or that Funky Winkerbean thinks that Target and Amazon are maybe the same thing?

Shoe, 6/24/22

The fact that the owner of Treetops’ only casual dining establishment feels comfortable admitting rampant health code violations to a reporter at Treetops’ only newspaper tells you everything you need to know about journalism in this town. (The fact that Treetops’ only casual dining establishment openly sells egg-based foods to its bird customers is another grim matter entirely.)