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Mary Worth, 8/2/25

Not sure what’s funnier here: That Olive says it’s hard to “ignore the critics,” as if there’s a Yelp category specifically for tweens and Olive has received a series of 1- and 2-star reviews referring to her as “weird” and “subpar” and “is she psychic or what, I don’t get it, she hints at it a lot but mostly doesn’t do any cool stuff,” or that Mary urges her to “keep on shining,” as if she were vaguely aware that there’s a book and a movie about a little psychic kid called The Shining that she’s never seen but it sounds like such a pleasant and optimistic title that she assumes everything works out pretty well for him.

Hi and Lois, 8/2/25

“What this beach needs is fewer little kids coming up and talking to you,” the lifeguard thinks. “I should make a sign telling them not to do it.”

Gil Thorp, 8/2/25

Ha ha, Gil is totally sanguine about the possibility of his ex-wife taking a job as AD at his hated rival school! It’s all good! Holding a big cup of lemonade at the top in a vice grip where it looks like you’re going to crush it with your bare hand is normal and a sign that you’re just relaxing and having fun, actually!

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Mary Worth, 7/31/25

I guess the “Olive uses her psychic powers to save Mary from certain death” moment was just a prelude to the main plot, “Olive gets bullied,” which, as far as I’m concerned, BORING [comically exaggerated snoring noises]. There’s been lots of dark talk about how Olive’s psychic “gifts” come with “challenges,” which I guess means these girls are bullying her because she’s psychic, and I’m sorry, but the kids today have access to both the original Carrie with Sissy Spacek and the 2013 remake with Chloë Grace Moretz, so they should know that you do not want to antagonize the weird psychic girl! You want to be kind to her, so that once she snaps and starts using her powers to explode the heads of her enemies, she’ll accept you as an acolyte! Youths are not prepared for the reality of the modern-day educational landscape!

Crankshaft, 7/31/25

At first I assumed “old people” here was a euphemism for “unadventurous white midwesterners,” but unadventurous white midwesterners will fuckin’ go to town on jalapeño poppers and hot wings, so I genuinely don’t know what Ed’s after here. Can his increasingly rickety digestive system simply no longer handle spice? Does he need some nice lady to cut corn off the cob right there at his table, or possibly chew it up and spit it into his mouth?

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Blondie, 7/27/25

The Blondie creative team has never met a young person that it didn’t want to call a lazy sack of shit, but … I kept waiting for this strip’s punchline to be “Napping and playing video games at work? This nepo baby is just like me for real!” but somehow it never happens. I guess the whole thing could be a subtle joke, but nothing about Blondie in general or today’s installment in particular, which includes the normal English phrase “urban expression,” has ever made it seem like the strip is capable of subtlety.

Mary Worth, 7/27/25

Some claim that New York is the so-called “Greatest City In The World,” but Mary, despite her professed love of the place, has on previous visits already encountered two of its greatest dangers: the criminals who lurk in the city parks and shove innocent bystandards with no warning, and the reckless drivers who speed into pedestrians as they innocently step into the street. Now we must add a third member to this unholy trinity: air conditioning units that simply rain down from the windows of New York’s famously tall buildings, killing dozens a year. Anyway, Olive is thinking about the challenges that come with her gifts, which is a weird setup to her using her gifts to save Mary from a certain bludgeoning death, seemingly without any challenges at all. Unless maybe this wasn’t a use of her psychic powers, but instead she just heard the classic Big Apple “Eyyyy! I’m droppin’ an air conditioning unit outta my window ovah here!” Only in New York, baybee! Amiright folks?