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Gil Thorp, 11/2/20

So the big Gil Thorp fall plot is this: not only are two young gentlemen competing for the starting quarterback job, but they’re also vying for the affections of sassy newcomer Corina Karenna. One of the lads (I haven’t bothered learning their names and I’m not planning on doing so any time soon) has figured out that the best way to a girl’s heart is to recognize that she exists as an autonomous human with interests of her own outside himself, and is coming to watch her play volleyball, which is nice, and he’s bringing half the football team with him. These guys don’t know jack about volleyball, obviously, unlike volleyball superfan Dallas, who I’d like to imagine had the bleachers to himself every game before this. I also don’t know jack about volleyball, so I’d also like to imagine that “libero” is an entirely made-up term and Dallas is just fucking with these meatheads.

Mary Worth, 11/2/20

Aww, looks like it’s the dark night of the soul for our star-crossed lovers! Tommy is singing “The Sound of Silence” in his mind right now, because he was belting it out earlier before Mary knocked on the door to say that “Simon and Garfunkel seem like nice young men but it’s after eight o’cock, dear.”

Dick Tracy, 11/2/20

Is … is Dick Tracy really the guy you want on this? Is he going to arrest a gas leak? Or, more likely, shoot a gas leak while it’s “trying to escape”?

Dennis the Menace, 11/2/20

The best thing about this, to me? I think it’s safe to assume that Mr. Wilson is financially comfortable enough to buy all the groceries he needs, so this manual labor he’s doing in his garden bed is for fun, at some level. Dennis is right! Adulthood blows!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/31/20

Real Rex-heads know that one of the Morgans’ children is actually the biological son of June’s childhood best friend, who she hadn’t seen in years and who came back into her life just long enough to hand over her son to the Morgans’ care before dropping dead, and there was a brief moment where it looked like the kid’s paternal grandparents might want to fight them for custody, but it turned out they just wanted to baby-sit for free. Well, guess what: Rex and June need some free baby-sitting, so it looks like they won’t be letting the calls from these sad, lonely old people go straight to voice mail anymore!

Mary Worth, 10/31/20

Nothing really new to report in today’s Mary Worth, but “Tommy and Brandy argue at work through clenched teeth about who’s addicted to what and who isn’t like who’s dad” is exactly the sort of petty pleasure I — and, I assume, all of you — come to Mary Worth for.

Dick Tracy, 10/31/20

Oh, sorry, Little Orphan Annie isn’t a vampire! She’s just a former poor girl who got rich by sheer luck, and now she smiles warmly at people who help the currently poor from the back her limousine, without getting out to help or even saying hi herself. Which is, you know, a lot less interesting, frankly.

Dennis the Menace, 10/31/20

Did, uh, did Dennis steal a car? That’s pretty menacing, actually.

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Dick Tracy, 10/28/20

Dick Tracy doesn’t gruesomely murder its villains like it used to, but I have to admire how efficiently this plot has wrapped up: Professor Stokes swooped acrobatically away from Dick and Liz, only to immediately be turned into hamburger by a cop car that was on its way to deal with an unrelated and presumably more normal crime. I like the focus on Dick dropping shattered remnants of the artificial fang apparatus into the evidence bag, just to remind us that, hey, you know who wouldn’t have died after getting run over by a car? A real vampire.

Mary Worth, 10/28/20

I gotta say, if your girlfriend saw you talking to a friend while he was waving a crack pipe in your face but you never actually ended up smoking crack with him, you should probably immediately tell her exactly what you did or didn’t do when she confronts you about it — or maybe even before! — rather than just saying vague, fake-sounding stuff like “It wasn’t what it looked like!” On the other hand, if you’re going to sassily tell your boyfriend that he needs to “tell it to the hand,” you need to shove the palm of said hand at his face, not just wave it around vaguely in his general direction. There’s plenty of blame to go around here, is what I’m trying to say.

Family Circus, 10/28/20

Yeah, Billy, the fundamental laws of mathematics that underlie the very fabric of our reality do in fact remain constant, sorry you find that so boring