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Mark Trail, 6/1/19

Many years ago, Mark Trail provided us with a perfect, beautiful sentence: “You stole a friend of mine’s pet bear!” Today, we have what I think is a new contender in the contest to be the “cellar door” of America’s #1 outdoors adventure comic: “By the way, Mark, wasn’t it you who urged caution before we got too excited about the possibility of finding the vanishing mine!?” Feel free to use this sentence yourself in an appropriate scenario — for instance, when one of your friends or acquaintances gets real enthusiastic over some exciting possibility (the discovery of a vanishing mine, say) that relatively recently they had been skeptical about, perhaps even urging others not to get to excited about the prospect.

Mary Worth, 6/1/19

We last checked in with the sad tale of Estelle eleven days ago, and, uh, I regret to inform you that literally nothing has happened since, other than Terry Bryson turning Estelle on to some dumb federal cybercrime website that will definitely, 100%, not help Estelle get her $10,000 or her ability to trust back. The rhythms of this strip being what they are, if this plot were going to wrap up this week we’d be getting some kind of closure today, but apparently not! Apparently this is just going to keep happening. And it’s possible that something interesting will transpire next week, but it’s also possible that Mary Worth just stalled, and we’re just going to keep seeing Estelle sad and Libby and Mary comforting her, forever. Has … has anyone tried turning Mary Worth off and turning it back on?

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Beetle Bailey, 5/29/19

Hey, remember like two weeks ago when General Halftrack looked back on his career with a certain nostalgic glow? Well, apparently when he was abruptly and involuntarily confronted with his life history, he learned that it’s actually not so fun to contemplate. Ha ha, look at his face in the second panel! He wishes that bus smeared him all over the asphalt and put him out of his misery. I’m very excited because it’s only Wednesday and Beetle Bailey Misery Week is escalating rapidly; let’s see how sad it can get!

Blondie, 5/29/19

These are the things that Dagwood loves, in ascending order: his children; Elmo, who’s not his child but with whom he spends an inordinate amount of time; his wife; and sandwiches. Thus, the punchline to today’s strip is an act of sycophancy that borders on the excruciating.

Mary Worth, 5/29/19

“Remember the good old days, before computers, when you could just pick up a guy at his mother’s funeral? Now you gotta get on the internet or whatever and learn how to upload a picture. This country’s going right into the toilet!”

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Mary Worth, 5/21/19

As I predicted, Mary has dragged poor Terry Bryson, an actual cybersecurity expert, down to Estelle’s apartment to help her process her post-scam life, emotionally. Terry’s full of stats meant to buck Estelle up, like the fact that the average romance scam cost its victims $14,000, so Estelle, who only coughed up ten large, was actually like 30% less dumb than the averarge dumb person who gets scammed online. Still, I think it’s kind of insulting that Terry is just casually surfing the web as they talk, showing off the fact that she doesn’t need her full concentration to avoid falling in love with some creep who’s using a photo of a handsome male model on his dating profile.

Sam and Silo, 5/21/19

I’m not sure which syndicated newspaper comic I expected to advocate for tax resistance as a form of civil disobedience that could starve the American imperial war machine, but it definitely wasn’t Sam and Silo!