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Blondie, 3/11/18

I was going to say that this reads like someone who’s never worked in an office making jokes about what working in an office is like based on things they’ve read or seen on TV, but then I thought about “Yeah, this water won’t drink itself!” and now I think it’s someone who’s never spoken to another human being making jokes about things human beings say based on what they’ve read or seen on TV.

Mary Worth, 3/11/18

Soooo, this strip has the distinct vibe of wrapping up this storyline, and if that’s the case all I can say is wow. If there’s a lesson we’re supposed to learn here, I guess it’s that if you try to use your skills for profit, you’re a whore and you’ll be treated like one, so the best course of action is to dedicate yourself to God and His representatives on Earth, and also not ever tell anybody about the time some guy tried to rape you because who’d be interested anyhow?

Dennis the Menace, 3/11/18

Not sure what’s more menacing: that Mr. Wilson is going to teach Dennis phrases that signal solidarity with bigots without being overtly racist, or that he’s going to trick him into summoning a vast pack of hungry dogs who will devour him.

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Mary Worth, 3/7/18

Mary has tossed Ted Miller and his unpleasantness down the memory hole, and it seems that none of her supposed friends are going to really press too hard to get to the bottom of what happened. Certainly not Toby! Toby frankly doesn’t care about Ted Miller, who she can barely be bothered to remember as “Jeff’s friend.” Toby doesn’t care about anything that’s not a delicious muffin. “I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” she says dreamily, staring at the muffin in her hand with an expression of erotic languor that Ian has never seen over the entire duration of their marriage, not even once.

Shoe, 3/7/18

I’m pretty sure in Treetops the vultures are generally depicted as owning the town mortuary? This guy has a different name — “Dooley” instead of “Mort” — but it’s enough to establish that the corrupt Senator Belfrey is in the pocket of Big Death.

Dennis the Menace, 3/7/18

Usually Dennis’s parents are nothing but embarrassed when he perpetrates his menacing antics in front of other adults, but today they seems slyly pleased as he wreaks havoc all over the fancy tablecloth at this snooty restaurant. Maybe they’ve decided to weaponize their son’s bad behavior to strike a blow in the ever-running battle between snobs and slobs? “These assholes are gonna make people put on ties and they aren’t even really French?” the Mitchells think. “Fuck ’em.”

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Mary Worth, 3/5/18

So, uh, Mary’s just not gonna tell Jeff about the time when his friend tried to force himself upon her and she had to slap him to get him to leave, 48 hours ago? I admit to being completely flummoxed by this! Of course, maybe this shouldn’t be a surprise, as Mary simply doesn’t do “dealing with trauma.” Remember when she told a woman embittered by memories of being abandoned at the altar by her fiance that if you just stop remembering painful things, they literally cease to exist? Already as far as Mary is concerned she and Ted just couldn’t make their schedules work together, which is why she’s going to go into the muffin business herself. Those body parts mouldering just beneath the soil in her rose garden? Why, she doesn’t know a thing about those, she’ll tell the cops, and really mean it.

Dick Tracy, 3/5/18

Dick Tracy has a insanely detailed history and deep bench of rogues, so I’m never quite sure when we meet one in the modern-day strip whether this is a brand new villain or someone who appeared in a month-long storyline in 1952 or something. I do want to know if Ghost Pepper has any backstory or longstanding beef with Tracy, because if not he’s gone from 0 to Drag Him To A Horrible Death Down The Side Of A Mountain real fast. He has a “PPPRZ” vanity license plate, though, so he’s clearly a monster capable of anything.