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Mary Worth, 9/14/17

“Principles, Dawn! Principles! What are we without them? Just a seething mass of lust, abandoning society’s rules and our own moral compass whenever we see a handsome slab of man-meat who presses our buttons? Like, maybe you go to New York and meet a handsome Broadway legend who’s super into you and you entertain the thought for a while but eventually you go home to your drippy boyfriend who you’re never, ever going to marry. Because of principles, OK? You tell your friend that, Dawn. You tell your friend that.”

Beetle Bailey, 9/14/17

I’m not usually one to judge other people’s recreational substance use, but I don’t think the fact that Sarge is huffing paint first thing in the morning is a great sign about how his life is going.

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Hi and Lois, 9/12/17

The first thought I had reading this strip is that a bunch of cookies melted into one big cookie in the microwave sounds amazing. Then I realized the great thing about being an adult: you can do this whenever you want, not because you’re engaged in some child-lawyering with an authority figure, but because it sounds amazing.

Gil Thorp, 9/12/17

Oh, say, what’s going in panel three here? Not much, just Gil and Kaz checking out the spreadsheet where they’re keeping the baseline information on their football players’ cognitive functioning, so they can figure out at the end of the season who amongst them had their brains turned to goo by repeated blows to the head. Wowing the guys down at the Elks Club with your fidget spinner tricks doesn’t sound like such a bad deal now, does it Rick?

Mary Worth, 9/12/17

“I’m a good listener! For instance, I can easily tell from your ellipses and strange emphasis that this ‘friend’ is really you, and you’ve managed to get yourself into a hilariously terrible personal situation, again. What I’m saying, dear, is: proceed.”

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Mary Worth, 9/10/17

There’s a whole list of reasons why I’m super monogamous, and somewhere on the list is that the idea of two-timing just seems so stressful. Like, you have this whole elaborate web of lies that you have to keep up, and if just one of those lies is discovered, you have to quickly pivot to try to keep the other ones in place. So, yeah, I can’t say for sure that, if the college-aged girl I was dating and who I had previously and falsely assured that I was divorced discovered that I was not divorced, I wouldn’t blurt out “But if I told you I was still married, I knew you’d never sleep with me!” But that doesn’t stop me from finding it pretty funny that Dr. Ned did.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/10/17

I guess if you’ve been just making nonsensical wordplay in lieu of conversation for most of your late-middle and old age, once your mind finally does let go completely, your family won’t even notice! It’s really a blessing, except for you.

Mark Trail, 9/10/17

OH GOOD LET’S JUST GIVE A BIG “THANK YOU” TO THE MYSTERIOUS PETROLEUM-EATING MICROBES LIVING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA

LET’S JUST ASSUME THAT THIS “NEW” TYPE OF “NATURALLY OCCURRING” LIFE FORM IS OUR “ALLY” AND WILL REMAIN SO INDEFINITELY

LET’S LOOK AT CUTE PICTURES OF SEA LIFE AND NOT VISUALIZE HUGE MICROBIAL MATS, DREDGED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE GULF BY MONSTROUS HURRICANES AND CRAWLING ONTO LAND, CONSUMING THE OIL AND PLASTIC UPON WHICH WE’VE BUILT OUR CIVILIZATION

EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE JUST FINE