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Mary Worth, 11/25/16

Wow, too bad Mary Worth chose the Friday after Thanksgiving, traditionally a day of extremely low readership, for this extremely sexy strip where we finally have confirmed that Zak is standard-college-student age and also on the prowl for fortysomething babes. Look at that line he just laid down here! Like, just moments ago he had to have it explained to him what an iris was and already he’s busting out “oh, late blooming flowers are definitely the ones I want to fuck the most.” I’m kidding, of course, what he actually said was “Late blooming flowers are just as beautiful… if not more so!”, which, just as beautiful as what, Zak? You might think your sentence is more “respectful” than mine, but mine at least respects the rules of English syntax.

Six Chix, 11/25/16

Yeah, man, I don’t even know what to say about this one. Like, is this supposed to be the thing from old Warner Brothers cartoons where a very hungry person hallucinates that his friend’s head has become a rotisserie chicken or whatever? So the cow on the left is very hungry? And also a cannibal? I guess?

Dennis the Menace, 11/25/16

By emphasizing his parents’ marital relationship to one another, Dennis is trying to be a menace by derailing the three-way they have planned with this woman. But the joke’s on him! She’s a highly sought after call girl who knows exactly what she’s getting into. The prim-and-proper outfit, along with a certain amount of feigned reluctance, is just part of the specific fantasy scenario the Mitchells submitted via her web site.

Family Circus, 11/25/16

“There’s never any daytime left over after dinner! Instead the flow of time abruptly stops and the universe outside is replaced by an infinite, featureless blackness. It stinks!”

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Mary Worth, 11/24/16

Oh, man, I will be extremely thankful if we get a hot, hot May-August romance between Iris and (stifles laughter) “Zak” in this storyline. Their love begins today as they admire in wonder each other’s names, which come from such different generations! Mind you, Iris was at its least popular in the ’60s and ’70s, the window during which I assume Iris was born, and has seen a real surge in the past 10 years, so I guess Zak is a pretty typical college student in that he doesn’t know any old people or children. Meanwhile, Iris already thinks Zak has a dope (as the kids say) name now, and keep in mind that she’s just hearing this spoken aloud, so she probably assumes he spells it “Zach,” like a normal person. Once she he texts her his info, the hip, edgy spelling “Zak” is going to blow her mind, unless she assumes it’s a typo.

Beetle Bailey, 11/24/16

You know what I’ve always been thankful for? That Rocky was just kind of a sullen, guitar-strumming dick who didn’t have a tragic backstory that explained why he was the way he was. Well, that’s over now, so thanks a lot, Beetle Bailey. (Because today’s Thanksgiving, I feel I need to clarify that “thanks a lot” there was meant to be the sarcastic kind of “thanks a lot.”)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/24/16

Hey, ever notice how Rex and June don’t seem to have any family they’re close to, or good friends other than Heather? Just thought I’d point that out for no reason, as they cluster at one end of what appears to be a long, empty table on Thanksgiving!

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Judge Parker, 11/23/16

Just so you know, Sam is going full-on Failure-To-Shave/Making-A-Bulletin-Board-Of-Clues Crazy over Sophie’s disappearance. And I assume the man he refuses to represent is Garrick Panini? Sam, Sam, Panini’s chock full of clues! This is your best chance to find out the truth! Pull apart his toasted outsides and look at the gooey, delicious information within, metaphorically!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/23/16

Having failed to successfully bag a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, Snuffy and Lukey are just going to rob the general store at gunpoint.

Blondie, 11/23/16

Wow, Dagwood’s doing a lot of projection here. I think we all know who does and does not have a crypto-sexual fixation on food in this family.

The Lockhorns, 11/23/16

I know this isn’t the sort of thing I usually say, but … maybe The Lockhorns should dial back the existential despair? Maybe just a little.

Mark Trail, 11/23/16

Guys, the island in Mark Trail is still just straight-up exploding! I guess if you need to put more stuff on your list of things to be thankful for, “non-stop explosions in Mark Trail” is a good one to add near the top.

Mary Worth, 11/23/16

Very excited to get a close-up on these guys we first saw yesterday. I think we can say it definitively now: this is Mary Worth’s idea of what young people look like.