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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/18/16

You know, there’s a lot of jokes in Barney Google and Snuffy Smith about Snuffy’s inability to hold down a job, but really, where would he work? Hootin’ Holler seems to be devoid of economic activity of any kind beyond subsistence farming; the only people there with any “jobs” as we would understand them in a modern sense are Sheriff Tate, Miss Prunelly the teacher, and Uriah the mailman, who are all government employees; Doc Pritchart, who presumably makes the bulk of his income from Medicaid reimbursements or perhaps a state-subsidized rural medicine grant; and Silas the storekeep, who I’m frankly baffled how he stays in business. Seeking any kind of financial advancement of the sort that the flatlanders would approve of would no doubt involve actually moving to the flatlands themselves, which I presume the Smifs would be loath to do. The dire position of the Hootin’ Holler is best illustrated by the location of the Smif home, shown in the next to last panel: if any degree of gentrification were in progress, this place would be touted for its stunning valley-wide views and would probably have been torn down to make way for a three-story ultramodern house with floor-to-ceiling-windows; but, since it’s sitting on a rocky, unplowable outcrop, under current market conditions it’s the unwanted property of the least reputable family in town.

Mary Worth, 9/18/16

“JOSH,” you’re probably saying, “I can’t believe you haven’t updated us on Tommy’s terrible pill addiction! Last we heard he was weeping in the car and being comforted by his mother! What’s happened since???” I’m happy to inform you that he continues to weep in the car and be comforted by his mother. More reports coming as events warrant.

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Judge Parker, 9/11/16

As the Marciuliano Era starts rolling along in earnest over in Judge Parker, I’ve heard some suggestions that Garrick Panini’s vaguely Captain Kangaroo-ish look is a tribute to beloved Mary Worth character Aldo Kelrast, and the fact that he’s been harassing a late-night lady call-in show DJ might cement that thought, though I note that he’s been given a hint of a mullet, so that he conforms with the Trucker’s Code. I think it would be frankly hilarious if the shift in writers means we’re just going to abruptly wrap up all existing storylines and start in on Garrick Panini in earnest. “Detective Lucas! We found a girl! And another girl and two guys! They’re fine! They’re a little shaken up but the experience made the two girls understand that life is fleeting and they’re gonna let bygones be bygones! Also, the girl’s sister’s clothing line launch had a few bumps but her brand is finding a foothold in the market! And her father’s former legal partner’s father’s book’s movie adaptation is in turnaround, and his pregnant wife checked in with a CIA station in Banja Luka and she’s OK too! And I think that’s it! Is there something else? Something with Marie, maybe? Enh, who cares! Let’s talk about this bag of money for the next six to eight weeks.”

Mary Worth, 9/11/16

It’s really too bad Iris didn’t decide to start mothering again back when Tommy was having no problems scoring Vicodin, as he was feeling great and that’s the perfect time for a little low-stress, high-reward parent-child interaction. Unfortunately she’s checked in just in time for the hard part. What swear word do you think has been censored in panel five to spare the delicate sensibilities of the Mary Worth readership? Is it “heck”? Those sensibilities are in fact extremely delicate.

Family Circus, 9/11/16

Looks like the Family Circus-Pokémon Go co-branding had one contractually obligated Sunday strip left! I just want to point out that when it comes to walking dogs, “exercise” is often a euphemism for “opportunity to poop outdoors”; since Billy seems wholly unequipped with waste bags, I’m sad for all those park-goers whose vision isn’t cluttered with VR Pikachus or whatever, who’ll have to see the carnage Barfy and Billy will leave in their wake.

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Family Circus, 9/7/16

We all joke, of course, about the “melonheaded” children of the Family Circus, but we all just assumed their apparent macrocephaly was a quirk of Bil Keane’s art style, now handed down to his son Jeff. How wrong we were. How horribly, horribly wrong. Today we learn that the Keane Kids’ heads are grossly distended due to whatever monstrous science is required to keep them alive indefinitely, as they are transplanted from one child’s body to another — and really, the less time spent dwelling on how exactly those bodies are acquired, the better. “How old was my head in this picture?” Jeffy asks, his immortal life being nothing more to him than an undifferentiated blur of surgeries and tiny bodies that eventually fail and wither.

Gasoline Alley, 9/7/16

Speaking of awful nightmare visions, two members of Gasoline Alley’s extended cast are, for reasons I’m not even going to bother going into here, engaged in a little light accidental-woods-birth action. I’m sure this will turn out fine and not be nightmarish at all, but I am super unsettled by the array of woodland creatures, eagerly watching to see the baby’s head crown with big, adorable, staring, unblinking eyes.

Mary Worth, 9/7/16

“So, wait, you’re telling me there’s a pill … that I can take … when I have an unbearable urge to take another kind of pill? This new pill sounds great! I’m just gonna swallow a whole bottle’s worth all at once!”