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Hagar the Horrible, 6/18/17

There’s a lot of backstory that has to go into making this gag work. First Hagar has to decide that his life is worthy of being commemorated in a long tale, and then, despite his canonical illiteracy, he has to choose to abandon the traditional orally transmitted poetry of his Viking ancestors in favor of a written biography. Then he has to strong-arm Lucky Eddy, who is himself illiterate, into learning letter-craft and then writing Hagar’s life story down. Then Hagar has to ask which parts of the book are bad for Helga to read, because, as his crude X indicates, he himself still refuses to learn the southern art of writing. Which Helga … has? There’s a lot going on here, is what I’m saying.

Mary Worth, 6/18/17

There is as ever a lot of inappropriate bold-lettering in Mary Worth, but I dearly hope that Esme’s all-bolded final speech balloon indicates that she’s shouting her dialogue at the top of her lungs down the deck. “I’M LEAVING THE INVITATION OPEN, DEREK! THE SEX INVITATION! YOU KNOW, FOR EXTRAMARITAL SEX! FOR WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE! CABIN 1122! COME BY ANY TIME! TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!”

Hi and Lois, 6/18/17

Guys, I’m … I’m starting to worry about Hi.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/18/17

[a few weeks later, Kelly sees a reference to “the LGBT community” and is moved to look up what the “B” stands for] hey, wait a minute

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Mary Worth, 6/15/17

So after getting caught by his wife smooching a non-wife lady and being told to find somewhere else to sleep tonight, on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean, Derek has chosen to … admonish Esme using sexy banter from an old-timey movie? I’m beginning to think Derek might not be 100% committed to this whole “not cheating on his wife” thing, guys.

Dick Tracy, 6/15/17

Dick is entirely conscious that the purpose of the “law and order” regime he imposes on Neo-Chicago is to protect the property interests of the monied classes, so obviously he doesn’t want to go around hassling bank executives, even if they are harassing one of his close personal friends.

Shoe, 6/15/17

“Is it a sapient, talking bird, with a job and clothes, much like us? Will using the pronoun ‘it’ distance me from the horror that I am contemplating with so much ugly joy?”

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Mark Trail, 6/12/17

This Mark Trail kidnap plot has been going on for approximately all of eternity at this point, but we still don’t really understand what motivates our bald-headed kidnap ringleader. What drove him to a life of crime? Why does he pretty much always look like he can’t poop and he’s real mad about it? Today we get a hint of his sad, empty emotional life: as a man who could only muster a casual “too bad Billy got shot” when a member of his crime-brotherhood was gunned down by the police, he can never understand the bonds that tie together real friends. You can keep robbing all the banks you want, but all that money isn’t going to fill the empty space inside you!

Mary Worth, 6/12/17

Unironic shoutout to the Mary Worth art team, who with Esme in panel two managed to perfectly capture a facial expression that says “Actually, it’s exactly what it looks like.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/12/17

The folk in Hootin’ Holler really only ever nominally adhered to the flatlanders’ sky-religion. When times get tough, they go out to the hidden lakes and commune with their ancient fish god.