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Gil Thorp, 10/21/15

Wait, so, they’ve already broadcast the first episode of this reality show without having figured out how they’re shaping the storylines going forward? This makes me actively angry. Reality shows shoot hours and hours of footage over weeks and only then start sifting through it all to figure out how they’re going to shape what appears on screen. That’s how you create gripping drama out of the minutia of everyday life! You don’t just shoot a few days and then throw something together and then (and here’s the worst sin) let the subjects of the show watch it and then try to figure out what comes next! This why we should be mad at Holly and her crew: not because they’re being mean to Gil or whatever, but because they’re demonstrably bad at making a reality show.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/21/15

Sure, Snuffy and his clan are notorious lawbreakers, but can you really judge them, considering that the legal system in Hootin’ Holler is notoriously corrupt? Here we see the community’s only magistrate auctioning Snuffy off to whichever flatlander for-profit prison will pay him the largest kickback.

Mary Worth, 10/21/15

“Time to catch up with my emails…”

From: web@theorganicgrocer.com.sg
To: Mary Worth Subject: Dear Winner

This is to Notify you has the lucky winner of this year lottery. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: 7-1-8-36-4-22 under agent ID: 18 and lucky ball number 7363789,which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category.

“Oh my! This is very exciting!”

You have therefore been qualified for a lump sum payout of One Millions (£1,000,000) Great British Pounds(GBP) which amounts to $1,500,000.00 (One Million,Five Hundred Thousand United States DOLLARS) in cash, drawn in your favour, as the soul beneficiary and covered with the highest level of Insurance policy called the IRREVOCABLE GUARANTEE OF PAYMENT BOND.

“Irrevocable guarantee of payment bond! That sounds extremely official.”

Due to mix up of some names and winning number, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to you, in your perspective country. Because this is part of our new security protocol to avoid double claiming and forgery of winners identity in this program by some unscrupulous persons.

“Yes, yes, that sounds very sensible. Can’t be too careful!”

Your winning will be delivered to you personally upon visiting our lottery headquarters in London, however,you must first stop in PORT HARCOURT,NIGERIA, in order to complete vital paperwork to avoid tax in both the united states and England. Please reply to this email in CONFIDENCE for more details.

“Hmmm. Maybe it’s time for me to make a trip.”

Crankshaft, 10/21/15

At last, this is what this dull mayoral campaign needs to liven it up: huge hellpits forming in town, threatening to swallow up the citizenry! Which candidate can stop the complete implosion of Centerville’s surface area, leaving the whole municipality just a gaping maw into the awful hell-dimension that lurks below the Earth’s surface? Certainly not Ralph Meckler! Why, he fell into the first one, just minutes after it formed! VOTE MAYOR KANE: the only candidate with the experience to defeat the Mole-Demons.

Dennis the Menace, 10/21/15

“What happens if my insides become my outsides, in a great rush of blood and viscera?” Step aside, Dennis: there’s a new menace in town, and he’s arrived with a flourish of nightmarish body horror.

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Blondie, 10/19/15

Ha ha, kids today with their crazy indecipherable nonsense phrases, amiright? “What’s cracking,” which something that literally my grandfather said? “Wassap” and “Howzit,” which which are wholly transparent contractions of extremely common English turns of phrase? Who exactly is this Blondie catering to? Space aliens who are angry that a language dataset composed entirely of academic prose didn’t prepare them for the reality of conversation with English-speaking humans?

Gil Thorp, 10/19/15

Hmm, Mimi, you say this isn’t about some long-ago Gil-fulcrumed love triangle, yet you seem awfully eager to flash your wedding ring in your erstwhile rival’s face, don’t you? Or at least that’s what the producers of Welcome Back, Carter hope to imply, by focusing their cameras right on your ring finger. This is great stuff! Really juicy! Viewers will go nuts!

Marvin, 10/19/15

I’m totally willing to accept the convention whereby preverbal infants in comic strips express fully formed sentences in thought-balloon form, for comedy’s sake. I’m less thrilled when multiple preverbal infants communicate with each other via words that appear in thought balloons. I’m particularly opposed to preverbal infants thought-ballooning to each other over the phone. What, can phones transmit psychic baby thoughtwaves as well as sounds now? It’s too much to suspend disbelief. (Also, nobody wants to hang out with Marvin, LOL)

Mary Worth, 10/19/15

Ha, I genuinely love that after hiding out in Mary’s apartment, Toby didn’t even bother to text her or anything to say “Things are great!” Nope, as soon as she and Ian realized they could continue to tolerate each other, she just stopped thinking about Mary altogether! Mary’s been reduced to lurking by the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of the happy-ish couple just to make sure they didn’t murder each other.

Slylock Fox, 10/19/15

OH MY GOD SLYLOCK FOX IS JUST STRAIGHT-UP STEALING THINGS FROM COUNT WEIRDLY NOW

HOW IS SLYLOCK STILL THE GOOD GUY AND COUNT WEIRDLY THE BAD GUY IN THIS COMIC STRIP

AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS HERE

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Mary Worth, 10/14/15

Oh, poop, it looks like this whole week is just going to be Toby and Ian apologizing to each other and reaffirming the majesty of their love. Bummer! At least we get a good closeup on Ian in panel one so we can see his various textures. The thick matt of arm hair poking out from the ends of his sleeves; the undulating chinbeard hair; the bristly, astroturf like consistency of his suit jacket — it’s like you can reach out and feel him. Comics need this sort of totally immersive experience if they’re going to compete against other entertainment media in the modern marketplace.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/14/15

I like the knowing glance Snuffy is giving the reader, as he sits next to the hand-cranked ice cream maker that has for years met his family’s dessert needs but will now be immediately abandoned in favor of Silas’s fancy softserve machine. “Eh?” he seems to be asking us. “Eh? Modernity?”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/14/15

Welp, looks like the “Morgans get steeply discounted stuff” phase of this storyline is done with, and now Rex is faced with the humdrum reality of family practice medicine: dealing with patients and their eager buttholes.

Spider-Man, 10/14/15

THANKS A LOT DEBLASIO