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Mary Worth, 6/19/16

So, to recap: there’s absolutely nothing untoward about sexually charged relationships between professors and students, and if you just hunker down and wait for bullying to pass, it probably will! It’s a good thing that the dialogue in this strip is incredibly stilted and unnatural, because otherwise some young person might actually perceive it as good advice.

The Lockhorns, 6/19/16

Maybe it’s the fact that the background of Lockhorns panels always seem to be strangely empty, like the set of Waiting For Godot, but there’s something profound and universal about the characters’ suffering. The strip is always ready to show us how their very specific grievances (being locked in loveless marriage) are just a hair’s breadth away from terrifyingly universal truths (we’re all locked in a meaningless existence in which nobody truly knows anybody else).

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Mary Worth, 6/14/16

Hey, quick question: are these girls who were mean to Dawn supposed to be the same girls who later took in a non-specific Jennifer Lawrence film with her? Anyway, either way, you’d think Dawn would’ve noticed that they’d stopped harassing her by now. “Maybe their bullying and criticism was just to get a reaction out of me! Fortunately God hardened my heart, just like He did Pharaoh’s. No act of human cruelty or kindness can touch me now!”

Beetle Bailey, 6/14/16

“I want you to tell the men how important their training is. Their army training. It may save their lives! Because there are wars! So many wars! And the army fights in wars! Why … why didn’t anyone tell me this before now?”

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Spider-Man, 6/10/16

Haha, has it really been a month since I updated you on Spidey’s dumb adventures? Well, here’s what happened: Xandu used the Wand of Watoomb to defeat Nightmare and bring his scary nightmare-dimension to New York’s Washington Square Park, and then used the Wand of Watoomb to take over innocent New Yorkers’ minds and have them beat up Spider-Man. But then Spider-Man started winning. How could this be? Could Spidey actually be using his super-powers to defeat an enemy??? No, don’t be ridiculous: he was merely a puppet being used by Doctor Strange, a much more powerful and talented superhero. This has got to be his most relaxing victory to date! He didn’t even have to do any of the work! The only way it could’ve been better if he had been able to watch TV during the process, somehow!

Gasoline Alley, 6/10/16

I don’t know what’s funnier here: that there was concern that this plot-advancing untruth might cast improper aspersions on Gertie’s pie-baking skills, or that we’re expected to believe that anybody edits Gasoline Alley.

Mary Worth, 6/10/16

I sincerely hope that this is the first Mary Worth comic that at least one person in the world has seen, and that that person assumes the strip is about an unusually cheerful woman who works in a prison library.

Pluggers, 6/10/16

You’re a plugger if you take decent care of your car but you’re dying of heart disease.