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Spider-Man, 1/23/16

NEWSPAPER SPIDER-MAN UPDATE: Spider-Man lost his battle with Namor, just like everyone assumed he would, and Mary Jane, in a last-ditch effort to save his life, agreed to be his undersea wife, which Namor requested way back at the beginning of this storyline and was totally heartbroken about when she said no. Yesterday Namor declined her offer, however, which I think we all assumed was for noble reasons … but noooooOOOOPE, he just wants to straight-up kill the shit out of Spider-Man. Truly he is Earth’s most selfless, and hilarious, ruler.

Mary Worth, 1/23/16

I’ve genuinely given up on trying to figure out where this plot is going to meander off to next. Maybe Olive is going to try to play matchmaker? “Sounds like you have a lot of restraint, Mr. Dill. Speaking of restraints, guess who here enjoys consensual, erotic B&D play?” [winks in Mary’s direction]

Gasoline Alley, 1/23/16

Gasoline Alley has transitioned to a storyline about talking animals fleeing in terror from a raging forest fire, and yet somehow is still about God-damned scrapbooking.

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Beetle Bailey, 1/21/16

It’s sad to see these two men wrapped up in the beauty myth’s shared delusion, cheering each other on as they laugh in the face of their bodies’ suffering. “Ha ha,” says Sarge, “my stomach is literally begging for food, but my deluded mind interprets this as a good thing! Let’s look at pictures of thigh gaps on thinspo tumblrs!”

Mary Worth, 1/21/16

ALERT: JOHN DILL STILL SEXUALLY OBSESSED WITH MARY WORTH, REPEAT, THE JOHN-DILL-WANTS-MARY’S-BOD PLOTLINE LAST SEEN THREE YEARS AGO IS STILL GOING STRONG

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Mary Worth, 1/19/16

Oh, look, it’s another Beloved Character From Mary Worth’s Past, which gives me another chance to walk you down memory lane, building up my pageviews in the process! You might remember John Dill as a former Charterstone resident who appeared at a pool party just after his wife’s death with a garish cake. Turns out he’d always dreamed of being a professional cake designer, and decided to risk ridicule by entering Santa Royale’s notoriously tough cake design contest — and Mary volunteered to help. Dr. Jeff was briefly jealous, but Mary assured him that she and John had a strictly professional relationship [FORESHADOWING]. After a grueling cake-design montage, Team John Dill was ready to go! On camera, John reacted to the assigned decorating theme — “the beauty of nature” — by carving an idol of Mary as a pagan fertility goddess, proving that Dr. Jeff was entirely correct to be suspicious of John’s intentions (keeping in mind that John’s wife was barely cold in the ground at this point). John and Mary won, obviously, and didn’t just get a big check but also an opportunity to apprentice with New York’s very own Chef Pierre! John wanted Mary to go to New York with him to learn how to make cakes and also probably do sex stuff, but she turned him down, so he flew off thinking sad thoughts. Later, Mary visited New York and seriously considered leaving Dr. Jeff for handsome Broadway actor Ken Kensington and visited John not at all, but now she’s stuck trying to entertain Olive for days on end, so, sure, she’ll drop by and see how he’s doing in year three of his unpaid internship.

Mark Trail, 1/19/16

Oh, whoops, Gabe isn’t angling to get Mark to write an article about his damn bats at all. He’s angling to get Mark into a three-way with him, like he’d always wanted. Considering the economics of the print magazine industry, this actually makes more sense.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/19/16

Good lord, are computers really just flat, featureless 8-inch squares now? This punchline really resonates with me!