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Mary Worth, 1/12/14

OK, maybe Mary is feeling certain … feelings for legendary Broadwayman Ken Kensington, feelings that have never been stirred by ostensible longtime semi-boyfriend Dr. Jeff. If the introductory quote from notorious erotica writer (eroticist? erotica-ist?) Anaïs Nin isn’t enough of a clue, how about the fact that Mary is thought-ballooning about him for four straight panels? Obviously she can’t bring herself to actually visualize the act of s-e-x, but the fact that her reverie begins with a display of monstrous bones seems significant.

But is there trouble ahead for our heroine? Of course! Because Ken in panel four looks … strangely familiar:

Oh my God, Ken is really notoriously corrupt 19th century New York political boss William Tweed! The most striking difference between these two images — Tweed’s baldness — explains why “Ken”’s hair is a weird, buttery yellow: because it’s a terrible, terrible Gilded Age toupee. I’m not sure by what means Boss Tweed has hurtled himself forward to the 21st century to romance our Mary — time travel? suspended animation? chrono-witchcraft? — but it’s clear that an upstanding citizen like Mary could never get mixed up with anyone who was the object of such ire from Harper’s. Their love can never be.

Spider-Man, 1/12/14

Um, JJJ, I know it’s cool to have spent your newspaper’s copy editing budget for the year on a powerful gadget that can override a TV camera’s feed with its own video stream, but probably you could’ve just talked to the network’s producers ahead of time and set all this up in advance? Also, “FaceTime” is a registered trademark of Apple, Inc., so expect a sternly worded letter from their legal department, narration box, hyphen or no.

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Mark Trail, 1/10/14

You guys. You guys. This is amazing. Before he was defeated in combat by Mark Trail, Jeff buried the precious Indian artifacts he stole outside the cabin, and is now refusing to tell Mark where they’re hidden. They’ll be lost forever, right? Oh, but wait. Remember this completely delightful panel from last month?

Well, guess what: by dropping that jar of homemade syrup into the artifact-basket, Jared inadvertently made this stolen haul irresistible to bears. This is one of the greatest delayed payoffs in Mark Trail history. Soon the artifacts will be back in their rightful place, in the museum Mr. Dunlap intended to donate them to, and only slightly worse for wear for being covered in rancid syrup and torn to bits by the claws of a hungry bear.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/10/14

I have been remiss in pointing out that 2014 has brought a new artist to Rex Morgan, M.D. Graham Nolan, who is getting a nice tribute in cereal form here, has handed duties off to Terry Beatty, who succeeded Nolan on the Sunday Phantom a while ago. Check out Beatty’s blog for more on his process — it’s pretty interesting!

The new artist is using his own style without really changing any of the character designs that much. I’m glad, for instance, that Sarah remains weird little gnome-person. I’m pretty in love with her facial expression in panel three here, as it seems appropriate for someone who really wanted to rat out her baby-sitter but eventually agreed not to in exchange for a cookie bribe, but now her mother’s asking her a direct question and you can’t lie to your mother, can you? So she’ll just have to tell on Kelly, even though she already ate the cookies! It’s like Christmas never ended!

Apartment 3-G, 1/10/14

Three cheers for Apartment 3-G for remembering Lu Ann’s tragic artist/drug addict/drug dealer boyfriend Alan, who got shot and killed, over drugs. You may wish to peruse my archive to catch up on the Alan plotline in all its glory, but at minimum you should Never Forget the following high points: Jones the beatnik drug dealer, “Wow. This dope is super — I feel great!”, “This better work. I just spent most of my paycheck on drugs!”, “And, face it, getting high is all I care about”, and “I’ll calm down when I get some drugs!! Please! I hurt so bad!!”.

Mary Worth, 1/10/14

“Still, Santa Royale is such a stuffy, hidebound place. It’s the sort of town where people frown on you just because you use an area rug as a napkin! New York is so liberating, where I can be exactly who I want to be, with no limits!”

Heathcliff, 1/10/14

Meanwhile, Heathcliff’s demands to be worshiped as a terrible God-King continue unabated.

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Funky Winkerbean, 1/8/14

What form of misery is the Funkyverse foisting upon us this week? How about … economic misery? It seems that beloved (?) tertiary character Kahn’s business has succumbed to failure. Kahn was introduced during the stretch when I wasn’t reading Funky Winkerbean, but I’m pretty sure he was someone Wally met when he was in Afghanistan, and … they had a somewhat tense relationship? But then he came to America to live the American dream and become a citizen (maybe? because of the pun?) and open his own deli, except whoops ha ha it turns out he couldn’t turn a profit and so after suffering multiple bankruptcies he’s stopped trying. The best part is, as we’ve learned today, that he’s not only giving up on his business, but on America. Yes, if your choices are the perpetually war-torn nation of Afghanistan and the horrifying misery pit of cancer and sadness that is Westview, you might as well at least pick the one where you speak the language natively. Probably his violent death there will at least be swift, and devoid of irony or smirking!

Momma, 1/8/14

Speaking of misery, glum resignation tends to be the prevalent attitude of the old-lady characters in Momma, so it’s nice to see one exhibiting manic excitement instead, even if it seems to be excitement about her and/or her husband’s looming death.

Mary Worth, 1/8/14

Ugh, Jeff, if you don’t know why they call New York “the city that never sleeps,” you definitely don’t deserve Mary’s love, and are only proving that her old life was so provincial that she could never even consider returning to it. (They call it “the city that never sleeps” because of all the cocaine, for the record.)

Spider-Man, 1/8/14

If there isn’t a gay porno out there that prominently features the line “that manbot’s like a heat-seeking missile — except that it’s homed in on my heartbeat,” I’m going to be very disappointed.