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Better Half, 2/6/13

For years, I’ve enjoyed the Lockhorns as the most harrowing cautionary tale about marriage available on the comics page, but since I started reading the Better Half earlier this year, I think we have a new title holder. Because, after all, relations between Leroy and Loretta are marked by unrelenting hatred, and we all know that hatred isn’t the opposite of love — it demands too much focus and passion for that. No, the opposite of love is the numb, unfeeling indifference that Harriet and Stanley have for one another! See, they were going to leave each other for other, more attractive people, but then they couldn’t be bothered, because there were good shows on TV.

Mary Worth, 2/6/13

So, you get disqualified if you drop your cake during transfer, but if you drop your cake during transfer because you leapt into the crowd and strangled a heckler to death in a terrifying rage-fugue, I’m pretty sure you get some kind of honorable mention.

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Mary Worth, 2/5/13

I’m sorry, I guess we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats wondering if Mary and John are going to drop their cake “during transfer” (ugh, now I’ve been forced to learn some cake competition lingo, against my will), like the poor, tragic souls in panel one, but all I can see is the majestic waterfall streaming forth from the figure atop the cake, which, let me remind you, is an uncanny replica of Mary herself. Since we can’t get a good look at the details, it’s unclear whether the Mary-figure is standing atop a spring out of which pink water is pouring out, or melting, or vomiting, or urinating, or what, but whatever the case it should guarantee John a Nobel Prize for Cake by the time this competition is done.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/5/13

Whoops, my fault, it’s not so much “secret illegitimate daughter” as it is “daughter from a previous marriage that ended in such an ugly fashion that she was completely cut out of her father’s life to the extent that his child with his next wife never met or even knew about her.” Funky Winkerbean: ALWAYS more depressing than you initially give it credit for.

Spider-Man, 2/5/13

How boring is the spider-themed super-heroics game these days? So boring that MJ literally falls asleep in the middle of a description of it.

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Mary Worth, 2/1/13

OK, you knew and I knew that John Dill was going to get weird about Mary at some point in this storyline. The only questions were when and how. We now know the answer to when — it’s right now, right here, in front of a national TV audience (or maybe just the seven people currently watching Santa Royale’s public access cable station, I forget), but we’re still not sure of the how and frankly I’m on tenterhooks. Is the incredibly lifelike figurine of Mary he just carved out of marzipan with a butter knife meant to be an idol of pagan worship, and John will demand, wild-eyed, that the studio audience acknowledge Mary’s divine and terrible beauty? Or will he calmly wait until Mary notices the figure, and then, without breaking eye contact with her, pick it up and bite the head off before tossing it to the ground? Either way, next week is going to be amazing.

Spider-Man, 2/1/13

“Finally, I managed to work that Google bit into my quippery! I really feel like my repartee is going to be more up to date now.”

Garfield, 2/1/13

Garfield will do anything to feed his voracious appetites, Jon. Anything.