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Mary Worth, 2/14/13

It’s always a dodgy business, trying to translate the contortions of the lumpy head-fronts of Mary Worth characters into real human emotions, but I think Mary looks kind of surprised in panel two by the announcement that this absurd cake contest somehow has the funding to hand out thousands of dollars to its winners. “You earned it! …wait, what? $10,000? I mean we earned it, we earned it, yes, look at me, I have a yellow ‘1st’ ribbon pinned to me, hand over that check, hand over that enormous novelty check to me right now, I was an integral part of this operation.”

Apartment 3-G, 2/14/13

I guess Lu Ann is supposed to be in Texas getting to know her birth mother Ruby better, or maybe in South Dakota trying to mend the relationship with her adoptive family that was always fraught for reasons she never understood, either possibility serving as a fine potential storyline that we will of course never, ever get to see. Nevertheless, it’s fun to see her call in and act baffled about the concept of fire, and her interrobang nicely captures her flailing, agitated confusion. “How could our building catch fire, Tommie!? Are buildings made of flammable material? Who stole the flame-magic from the sky god?” Tommie, meanwhile, is concerned that the Professor is sitting alone in the smoldering shell of their apartment building, wondering about the smell and the draft.

Crock, 2/14/13

It appears that the characters of Crock, having been promised a release from their endless purgatory that has yet to arrive, have simply decided to stop telling terrible Crock-jokes. And more power to them!

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Mary Worth, 2/12/13

YES! Mary and John have overcome almost no adversity whatsoever to TRIUMPH in their cake battle against other cake bakers! And they did so by working as a team, by joining together as one, by functioning almost as a single organism, by … oh my God .. panel one … MARY’S ARM IS JOINING INTO JOHN’S ARM OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY ARE MELDING INTO A SINGLE BEING. That look Mary’s giving him in panel two, it’s like, “Yes, John, soon I will be you.”

Gil Thorp, 2/12/13

Say, what’s going in Gil Thorp? Oh, you know, Scott is having a great season because of his magical peacock but he doesn’t want to share it with the other guys because it might be the reincarnation of his dead little brother blah blah blah BORING. More interesting to me is today’s revelation that the Mudlarks are beginning to transition to full-body fishnet-stocking uniforms.

Better Half, 2/12/13

Stanley may be too lazy to woo other women, but he can still fuck his food, I guess. It’s just lying right there on the plate in front of him!

Spider-Man, 2/12/13

Yep, this seems like an appropriate reaction to an offer of help from Newspaper Spider-Man!

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Better Half, 2/6/13

For years, I’ve enjoyed the Lockhorns as the most harrowing cautionary tale about marriage available on the comics page, but since I started reading the Better Half earlier this year, I think we have a new title holder. Because, after all, relations between Leroy and Loretta are marked by unrelenting hatred, and we all know that hatred isn’t the opposite of love — it demands too much focus and passion for that. No, the opposite of love is the numb, unfeeling indifference that Harriet and Stanley have for one another! See, they were going to leave each other for other, more attractive people, but then they couldn’t be bothered, because there were good shows on TV.

Mary Worth, 2/6/13

So, you get disqualified if you drop your cake during transfer, but if you drop your cake during transfer because you leapt into the crowd and strangled a heckler to death in a terrifying rage-fugue, I’m pretty sure you get some kind of honorable mention.