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In the absence of a pulpit, I am employing comic strips.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/16/11

Everything new is bad. Children are a curse.

Family Circus, 10/16/11

I mean it — a curse.

Mary Worth, 10/16/11

We can never escape the mistakes of our past.

Judge Parker, 10/16/11

So we should enjoy the simple pleasures life offers us.

Spider-Man (panel), 10/16/11

Wherever we find them.

That’s it for me — Josh will be back Sunday with your Comments of the Week, and Monday for more mockin’ on the funnies. Thanks for a fun week, everybody!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 10/7/11

Oh my gosh, you guys, the message-leaving is not going well. 1049, you fool, not 1045! Do “nine” and “five” sound anything alike? No! Well, except for the vowel! But still! You’re a disgrace to your bellhop uniform! Unless you’re not a bellhop at all, but rather a waiter at a Chinese restaurant! Which is just as likely, given the design of that uniform!

Meanwhile, a handsome slab of soccer-playing man-meat just walked up to the desk, missing his love connection by mere seconds. That sure is a sweet team logo Bobby’s got there, if by “logo” you mean “a sheet of paper that he tore in half, wrote ‘New York Blazers’ on, and then safety-pinned to his cardigan.”

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 10/7/11

Yay, the weekend is almost here! Why not relax and enjoy it, and celebrate the end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell while you’re at it, by coming up with wacky things to put in Beetle’s word balloon here?

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Family Circus, 10/6/11

Does Ma Keane really feel a need to apologize that her crying infant is showing emotion? “Sorry, Billy, we can’t all be eerily affectless soul-dead monsters like you.”

Gil Thorp, 10/6/11

I want to briefly dip into the already dullsville Gil Thorp fall plot — seriously, it involves the football team’s quest for a kicker, a quest that will inevitably end with the forcible recruitment of the mysteriously squirrely Brody Abro — to point out that Milford actually has a soccer team, one that I don’t believe we’ve ever seen mentioned in the course of a strip ostensibly dedicated to high school sports. I assume that this is because the team isn’t coached by a Thorp, which in turn probably explains why the team is in contention for a championship.

Mary Worth, 10/6/11

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, the entire week has been dedicated to the trials of leaving a phone message for someone at a hotel. Taste the excitement!

Shoe, 10/6/11

“Ha ha! No, but seriously, we live in a monstrous dictatorship with no respect for human rights.”