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Hagar the Horrible, 12/17/10

There’s something sincerely baffling to me about this strip: the scene itself, with the falling snow and the bureaucrat flanked by axe-wielding thugs, is quite evocative, and yet does not appear to contain a joke or joke-like material of any kind. Is supposed to be “funny” that the tax department has denied Hagar’s request with a mildly jocular retort, and that the taxman is reading this off a sheet of paper? Is the fact that the response contains the phrase “cold day in July” rather than the obviously intended “cold day in hell” part of the joke, or was it imposed by the strip’s editor? Does the frigid winter scene somehow relate to the gag, or does the conceptual overlap merely serve to distract us from the point? What is the point? I sit here staring much like Hagar himself, wide-eyed and baffled.

Mary Worth, 12/17/10

Blah blah blah Jill’s tragic past blah blah blah fiance looks like skinny Wilbur with a bad wig blah blah blah she lashes out because of her emotional wounds blah blah HOLY SMOKES LOOK AT THEM PIES! It seems that Mary has taken Jill to some kind of wonderland where pies just sit out on shelves, ready for the taking. How can she even focus on Jill’s completely predictable tale of woe when there are delicious pies just inches from her head? The smell must be overpowering!

Beetle Bailey and Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/17/10

Ha ha, that stock market! It’s sure going up! Or perhaps down? These two strips appear immediately adjacent to one another on my digital comics page, which is kind of unfair to the Snuffy characters. We ought to be impressed that the residents of Hootin’ Holler have finally moved beyond barter to the money economy and are even dimly aware of higher finance; but this achievement is eclipsed by the fact that even Sarge’s dog is well acquainted with modern capitalism.

Family Circus, 12/17/10

Yes, there’s nothing more adorable than a little tyke singing happily about being set ablaze! This one is getting cut out of the paper and put up on pyromaniacs’ refrigerators everywhere.

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Mary Worth, 12/15/10

It’s obviously a delight to see Jill sitting on the curb, idly sucking on a wine bottle and wearing what might be called “fuck-me boots” if they weren’t the same hideous shade of purple as her dress. And it’s all good fun to hear her loudly proclaim that she belongs in the gutter. But still, this strip is tinged in melancholy for me, because it clearly represents the first stage in the de-awesomeing of Jill at Mary’s hands. We already know the answer to the core question here — we know that Jill will have her faith in state-sanctioned heterosexual monogamy forcibly restored, and she’ll also swear off booze forever — and now the only suspense remaining is to see if Mary can meddle her back to righteousness in time for Adrian’s wedding tomorrow. If a smiling, bright-eyed Jill catches the bouquet — and the eye of a handsome groomsman — do not be surprised. Be saddened, but not surprised.

Crankshaft, 12/15/10

Oh, look, the supporting cast of Crankshaft is talking about Crankshaft’s genitals, or his prostate, or possibly his lower GI tract! I’m glad to see that this conversation brings sly smiles to everyone’s face, rather than causing them to die inside as one might expect.

Marmaduke, 12/15/10

Actually, now that Marmaduke has killed and eaten Santa, the holiday season has ended rather abruptly.

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Apartment 3-G, 12/14/10

You might find it hard to believe that Lu Ann is sending out radar waves of pure pleasure at the prospect of a quick trip via PATH train to Hoboken, New Jersey, and may think that that she’s just enjoying the music of the pretty man’s voice without bothering to strain her thinking muscle in an attempt to figure out what his beautiful syllables mean. But remember, this is the girl who practically swallowed her tongue in joy at the prospect of a trip to South Dakota, so clearly she’s easy to please, destination-wise.

Beetle Bailey, 12/14/10

You probably viewed this comic with mild disgust at its content, combined with a certain amount of contempt for its portrayal of bedbugs as large enough to be visible. And of course it’s ludicrous that Sarge would be feeding them cereal, since bedbugs subsist on one and only one thing: blood. Which means that Sarge probably isn’t feeding them cereal at all, and is in fact holding a big bowl of scabs. Oh, did your disgust just get a lot less mild?

Mary Worth, 12/14/10

“You and Scott are meant to be together! You’re right to be sure! And sure to be right! You don’t mind if I hover mere inches away from you and talk to you while you attempt to share an intimate moment at a stressful time, do you? Of course you don’t!”

Zits, 12/14/10

Ha ha, Jeremy’s room smells like a dog pooped in it!