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Mary Worth, 12/24/10

“I know! I’ll warn her that marriage is a scam and that Scott will betray her! And if she doesn’t believe me, I’ll just punch him in the face! It’ll be all like, ‘Merry Christmas’ — KAPOW!”

Folks, by the time you read these words, I’ll be off my on multi-city Christmas journey! I’ll be back with 2011 comics by January 3, but until then, enjoy your last comment of the week of 2010!

“Apartment 3-G! The daily soap opera comic strip about three independent young single women, living on the town in New York! In tonight’s episode: the best and only Christmas party they could get invited to was thrown by one of their aunts. 8 p.m.!” –Black Drazon

And the very funny runners up!

“Obviously the Keane kids are taught a different version of Christmas carols, emphasizing the terrible fate that awaits the blashphemers who secularize the day of Our Lord’s birth.” –Truckasaurus

“Jill sure does look ‘high on a cloud’ in panel one. ‘A cloud’ is slang for ‘a fuck-ton of MDMA,’ right?” –Doctor Handsome

“Ah, those carefree days back at Califugly Brutalist Architecture U.” –Edgy DC

“Clearly we have all been too hard on Jill, for our own depraved amusement. Even at a glance one can tell Jordan was her soul mate. ‘Let’s get a jug of wine this big, then go home and have sex.’ he says. ‘No!’ Jill replies with a rapturous gaze, ‘Let’s get a jug of wine THIS big!'” –DaveyK

“OH MY GOD, this explains why nobody at Camp Swampy ever sees combat! Otto has an ‘in’ with defense contractors!” –Dan

“The pies are trophies in Mary’s lair. ‘One pie for each ruined life! Bwah ah ah ah!'” –Another Kiwi

“By the way, how about that fucking Mary Worth? Can nobody from Santa Fucking Royale even summon up a black person from memory to stick in a flashback crowd shot?” –Edgy DC

“Whatever happens, I’m sure June will icily disapprove of something.” –BERTMARCH, on the current Rex Morgan, M.D., storyline

“I wish I had Lex Luthor at power forward as well.” –Bud

“I thought my husband had magically arranged the ultimate birthday surprise — no more Les! Disappointed, again. I hold out hope that the Wally & Rachel murder-suicide story line will wrap up in time for Mother’s Day.” –Lisa

“Wow, Tommie got hot! Now pass me that cup of bleach. I neither wish nor deserve to go on with this paltry existence.” –TruthOfAngels

“So who all exactly is going to be in attendance at this little soiree of Iris’? The girls from 3-G; Trey the bicycling architect, who raises the intriguing paradox of how someone could be simultaneously that weird and that boring; Prissy the cat; and, if we’re really lucky, Ari Papagoras might swing by for a drink. This shit’s going to make Charterstone look like Studio 54.” –Violet

“So Spidey feels that his actions are constrained by matters of extradition law, but not by such niceties as common decency? Sounds about right.” –Nekrotzar

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Mary Worth, 12/21/10

Ever since she successfully cured Dr. Mike’s inability to love, Mary’s fancied herself something of an amateur therapist. Today we learn just how far she’s going with her little hobby: she’s apparently developed some extreme form of rational-emotive behavioral therapy where patients use their thoughts to control not only their emotions and attitudes, but their memories as well. “Jill, you were only abandoned by your fiance at the altar because that’s how you choose to remember it! If you simply rethink your memories, then perhaps you’ll realize that he did show up after all, and you’ve been happily married for the past seven years! If you go home and find your house still empty and lonesome, it probably just means that you’re not trying hard enough.”

Gil Thorp, 12/21/10

Notice that Gil actually gives Marty a straight and substantive answer about sports, — in response to Marty’s hesitant attempt to establish emotional intimacy with his long-term frenemy. “Jeez, I’m glad I didn’t tell him that what I wish I had but don’t: recognition from my journalistic peers and my parents of how hard I work on my sportswriting craft. Christ, I feel like an asshole now.”

Apartment 3-G, 12/21/10

Hmm, the girls are already dressed in their best party clothes — Margo in an actually rather fetching little black dress, Tommie in her Star Trek: The Motion Picture-era Starfleet uniform, and Lu Ann in [artist’s duty to think of third party outfit avoided by crafty foreground figure placement] — and Iris has gotten out the punch bowl and traditional balloon wreath, and yet this seems to be the first our trio of protagonists have heard of this party. The possibilities: either we’re in the last scene of an ’80s comedy and all Iris needs to do is mention a party to summon the various accoutrements thereof out of thin air while a Journey soundtrack blares in the background, or she was planning on throwing a swell party and not inviting the 3-G gals, a plan they ruined by stopping by unannounced on their way someplace else.

By the way, it’s nice to see that Iris is planning on repaying Mrs. Bloom’s kind offer of a free place to crash by trashing said free place with endless partying.

Mark Trail, 12/21/10

“Yes, just put your boat near his boat! I am ‘interested’ in being within seeing distance of him! This is because of something I will explain later. It certainly not because I am on a secret government mission, so do not believe that! I am, uh, interested in making sex with him! Yes, that’s it! That’s something humans say, right?”

Ziggy, 12/21/10

Since the mice in Ziggy are generally portrayed as anthropomorphic wisecrackers, the sight of one dead and dangling limply from a cat’s grinning mouth is fairly startling. What could make this worse? Oh, right, the thought of the stench of searing mouse flesh, the hint of which will always linger on the coils of the toaster’s heating elements! Yes, that will do nicely.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/21/10

Oh, look, despite a mysterious phone call from his dead wife warning him not to get on his flight, Les did not in fact die in a fiery plane crash. I know, I’m just as disappointed as you are.

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Apartment 3-G, 12/18/10

I fear that, in the wake of the makeover storyline, the breach between writer and artist of Apartment 3-G is now total, and now visuals that are crucial to the storyline are being neglected out of spite. “The first time I saw this building it gave me chills. You know, this building behind us that you can barely see, and what you can see of it is completely ordinary.”

Mary Worth, 12/18/10

“Waiting-at-the-altar Jill Action Figure” just rocketed to the top of my list of Christmas Presents I Really Want Even Though They Sadly Don’t Exist And Never Will. But my favorite person in panel two is the guy sitting in the front row there ostentatiously looking at his watch. The tails and striped pants would seem to indicate that he’s in the wedding party, which makes it all the more hilarious that his body language screams “Is this guy showing up or what? Because, you know, I’ve got places to be…”